Unemployment and Groping

I am sending out the tragic tales of my sad, sad life in the hopes of brightening your day. You may recall the Travel Chronicles, but as I will not be leaving again any time soon, I’ll just have to pretend that my life is interesting enough to read about. And so will you, God damn it. My darling Becca has convinced me to share my woes in an effort to be fabulous like SJP and possibly publish said letters in an effort to be employed. But please don’t feel obligated to read these. I will take absolutely no offense if you’d like to be removed from the list of privileged recipients. I will only hate you for all eternity and put some serious consideration into skinning, boiling, and eating your pets.

So let’s talk about some of the highlights of being me. First of all, I am excruciatingly good looking. But you knew that, so we can move on. I am unemployed and live with my parents. But that’s lame, so we can go back to discussing my innate hotness. Just kidding! Let’s talk about unemployment.

Last July, I was offered an interview. They schmoozed me bigtime and I ran on the figurative wheel like a good little hammie. I answered all their hideous questions and grinned like a psycho as though discussing my utter lack of experience in the workforce and my crappy GPA was the bestest, yummiest morsel of which I would happily shove into my cheek.

Then, after that whole nightmare, I got a glorious phone call. The clouds parted, the sky cracked open and God Himself reached his fucking arm through just to tell me that indeed there was a position for me, but that I would have to wait until they had filled the currently ones internally. So I said hooray! I’ll be happy to wait around like an ugly girl on prom night who’s “date” is 5 hours “late.” So I waited. And waited. AND WAITED. I finally got sick of waiting and hassled them via lovely hand written notes. I was rewarded with a second interview. Goodie. I commenced dancing like a trick monkey once more in an attempt to secure a job. Again, interview was all smiles and laughter. And surprise, surprise, I waited.

Would you like to know what kinds of delicious, shiny fruits blossomed from all this waiting? Hmmm? A bit fat phone call from the recruiter saying, “Aw shucks. You’re spectacularly cute and all, but we’ve gone ahead and filled all those positions that we casually dangled in front of you like so much Halloween Oreo. Sorry, Sweet Tits.”

And that is how I got back to square one. Roughly six weeks wasted on banking on this job because they totally freaking offered it to me. I’m hosed! So, got any job ideas? Know anybody that works somewhere that’s hiring? You can tell them that I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose and that I can put my legs behind my head and spin like a dreidel. Seriously, if you hear anything, holla back, young’n.

Oh boy. So now let’s talk about that kinda sorta date I had last week. All right, it started out good. He was really tall and cute and cool. You know, kind of bizarre sense of humor, which is a thumbs up. Then *dun dun daaaaa* he kept drinking. And drinking. And DRINKING. Oh my God. It was unbelievable. He got so out of control that he was like flinging me around on the dance floor and trying to get me to take him home to my parents' house to "hang out." Riiiiight.

So, as the fates would have it, I got too licq-ied to drive home, and I ended up at Cecilee's with everyone else. I told him that he would not be getting any nookie. He slobbered a bit and a drooled on his shirt and agreed that this was "cool." He proceeded to paw at me for the better part of an hour, during which time I pretended to be asleep. He finally passed out and I thankfully fell asleep. So that's the happy ending, right? No. He woke me up yet AGAIN. This time, all 6’8, roughly 270lbs on top of me with a hand on my right ta-ta. Can you say necrophiliac? Hello! So I got out of there. Fast. I ended up jogging barefoot to my car in Cec's jammies at 5 in the morning. Needless to say, I will not be seeing him again.

Alas, my angels, this concludes the first chapter of The Chronicles. I hope you enjoyed them and will continue to do so. Be Bad.