Loretta Lynn Kicks Ass

I JUST discovered Loretta Lynn. I know, right?! Like 28 years later. Sarahjill hooked me up phat with the Coal Miner’s Daughter DVD as preparation for our Pink Cadillac Hearse debut, and I was sold, but then she sent me the following music video and it rocked my MIND so hard that springs were popping out of my head like a Femme Bot:



I highly recommend you check out the full album that Jack White and Loretta Lynn did together. I can’t remember the last time I was so inspired by music! I mean, this wails louder than getting a bj from Angeline Jolie. It stunned me so hard that I had to call Sarahjill right then and freak out like, THIS is what we’re doing. I want to make this kind of music! It’s like the rock has come full circle to its origins of classic country and it just makes me want to dress like Johnny Cash and sing again!

So, now it’s time to stalk her in Nashville. Can you imagine that she’s still playing live?! I mean, she’s only like 112 years old. Loretta = pwnage.

Pink Cadillac Hearse

Dewd. I have a new band. For cereal! It’s in the infancy stages, but I’m pretty sure we shall rise from our painfully humble beginnings like so much phoenix and pwn the faces of the masses! It all started when my sister narked me out to Grandma that I could sing. And Grandma was all, wtf, srsly? And I was all, duh, bitch! So I recruited one of my favorite musicians of all time ever, Sarahjill, to help me put together some old country songs to sing for Grandma’s old folks home.

Prior to preparing for this exclusive and prestigious venue, Sarahjill’s husband asked her if we were going to have a band name. They were driving to the grocery store and she said she hadn’t really thought about it. A minute went by; he glanced at the next lane of cars and asked, “Is that a pink Cadillac hearse?” To which Sarahjill replied, “THAT’S IT! That’s our band name!” Our t-shirts are going to be so cute!

For our debut show at the nursing home, we did a guitar/vocal duet and melted the faces off those old fuckers. It was righteous!!! Check out the enthusiastic zombie-like grunts of approval from our ancient first audience:

So awesome. Good thing none of them died from all the rawkage. Well, a couple of them might have already kicked the bucket before we started, but I'll let you be the judge:

Worst Celebrity News EvAR!

So yeah, I know this happened like weeks ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to wrench myself away from the pile of blankets and Oreo crumbs that I've been festering in to address the terrible news.

Trent Reznor is engaged to someone that’s not me. /cry

I mean, what; did he not know how lucky he was to get to sit around being my backup plan?! What the fuckity fuck? Our children would have been so adorable and angsty with large nostrils! But alas, it’s clear to me that is, in fact, gay city for he is marrying a tranny. Behold:

I mean, the word queen is in her name. It’s like, sweetie, don‘t put your job title that far up 'cuz you ain’t even THAT good of a cross-dresser. I have seen prettier drag queens with 5 o’clock shadows. But I guess she’s ok if you’re into The (post-op) Grudge. None of which appears to be a very good influence on El Rezbo being as he is looks a bit like the demon spawn of Joey Buttafuco and Gene Simmons:

Oh well…And all that could have been, I suppose. Sans keloid scars, of course.

Mill the Tread

At work, we did this fun little project where we made slides with silly pictures and bullet points about ourselves so that the remote branches of our company can get to know us a bit. I was epically proud of mine:

However, in the process of making it, I had to scroll through like 50 pictures of myself (that were all totally work-inappropriate...typical) and came across this one from a few years ago when I was running every day and I was like, SHIT:

I need to get back on the motherfucking treadmill.

Now I realize that I was 24 and that it is, in fact, an exceptionally flattering pic, but crap! My calves look killer. So killer that one time, some ass-stain once posted a MySpace comment on it that really speaks for itself:

I mean what the shit, right?! You tryin' to say you think I don't look GOOD in person, cocksucker? JESUS FUCK. I've fucking seen YOU several times, tea bag, and I must say...you always look like a baby rapist!

Ah, but I digress! I'm back to running, bitches, so look for my hawt calves again soon, in photo and irl, for they are germinating!

Shut the Fuck Up

So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:

A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend

I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,

“!!!”

“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.

Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.

Summie likey.

Loltallica