No, YOU'VE Been Gone for Eight Years

SooooOOooo I took some time off from writing because I got old and married and had kids and felt like I was too boring to come up with topics that would interest anybody. Then, I realized that my life is dope and I do dope shit, and I'm secretly glad nobody reads this anymore, because now I'm a boss lady, and have to edit myself all damned day and it sucks. So I'm back, but for my own amusement. Plus, my children are pure comedy. Ta-daaaa!

Loretta Lynn Kicks Ass

I JUST discovered Loretta Lynn. I know, right?! Like 28 years later. Sarahjill hooked me up phat with the Coal Miner’s Daughter DVD as preparation for our Pink Cadillac Hearse debut, and I was sold, but then she sent me the following music video and it rocked my MIND so hard that springs were popping out of my head like a Femme Bot:



I highly recommend you check out the full album that Jack White and Loretta Lynn did together. I can’t remember the last time I was so inspired by music! I mean, this wails louder than getting a bj from Angeline Jolie. It stunned me so hard that I had to call Sarahjill right then and freak out like, THIS is what we’re doing. I want to make this kind of music! It’s like the rock has come full circle to its origins of classic country and it just makes me want to dress like Johnny Cash and sing again!

So, now it’s time to stalk her in Nashville. Can you imagine that she’s still playing live?! I mean, she’s only like 112 years old. Loretta = pwnage.

Pink Cadillac Hearse

Dewd. I have a new band. For cereal! It’s in the infancy stages, but I’m pretty sure we shall rise from our painfully humble beginnings like so much phoenix and pwn the faces of the masses! It all started when my sister narked me out to Grandma that I could sing. And Grandma was all, wtf, srsly? And I was all, duh, bitch! So I recruited one of my favorite musicians of all time ever, Sarahjill, to help me put together some old country songs to sing for Grandma’s old folks home.

Prior to preparing for this exclusive and prestigious venue, Sarahjill’s husband asked her if we were going to have a band name. They were driving to the grocery store and she said she hadn’t really thought about it. A minute went by; he glanced at the next lane of cars and asked, “Is that a pink Cadillac hearse?” To which Sarahjill replied, “THAT’S IT! That’s our band name!” Our t-shirts are going to be so cute!

For our debut show at the nursing home, we did a guitar/vocal duet and melted the faces off those old fuckers. It was righteous!!! Check out the enthusiastic zombie-like grunts of approval from our ancient first audience:

So awesome. Good thing none of them died from all the rawkage. Well, a couple of them might have already kicked the bucket before we started, but I'll let you be the judge:

Worst Celebrity News EvAR!

So yeah, I know this happened like weeks ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to wrench myself away from the pile of blankets and Oreo crumbs that I've been festering in to address the terrible news.

Trent Reznor is engaged to someone that’s not me. /cry

I mean, what; did he not know how lucky he was to get to sit around being my backup plan?! What the fuckity fuck? Our children would have been so adorable and angsty with large nostrils! But alas, it’s clear to me that is, in fact, gay city for he is marrying a tranny. Behold:

I mean, the word queen is in her name. It’s like, sweetie, don‘t put your job title that far up 'cuz you ain’t even THAT good of a cross-dresser. I have seen prettier drag queens with 5 o’clock shadows. But I guess she’s ok if you’re into The (post-op) Grudge. None of which appears to be a very good influence on El Rezbo being as he is looks a bit like the demon spawn of Joey Buttafuco and Gene Simmons:

Oh well…And all that could have been, I suppose. Sans keloid scars, of course.