Letters from the Airport
Dear Passenger "Tits,"
Wow. Your rack is amazing. I mean, I haven’t even bothered to look at the monitor to watch the progression of my flight’s perpetual delays because you keep leaning forward and gesturing. While I covet your huge, buoyant cleavage, I’m mostly happy for you that you know how fucking kick ass your tits are.
Thanks for the pleasant airport distraction, G!
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade
Dear Passenger "Drop Out,"
Are you serious? You actually dropped out of high school?! Who the fuck does that in this day and age? Don’t you have enough access to modern communication to realize what a retard move that is? And you actually told the girl with the giant jubblies this, like it’s going to impress her? Oh my GOD. There is no amount of telling a chick "I’ll so be snowboarding tomorrow" that is ever gonna redeem you if you can’t even hold it together to get through fricking high school.
Best of luck being a dirty, uneducated drain upon society,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade
Dear Passengers "Ma and Pa Spears,"
Your kid is cute. She is a tiny and adorable little sponge desperately seeking your guidance and instruction on how to behave on an airplane. While you two were busy plugging in your iPods and computers to ignore your child, she spent the better part of an hour kicking the living shit out of the back of my chair. You guys are dicks and need to quit neglecting your spawn. And while you’re at it, please stop baby talking her in that gay wavering voice that’s ten times too loud. She’s like four and way too old for that shit.
Hope your kid doesn’t turn out worse than Lindsay Lohan,
Your Disgruntled Airplane Comrade
Dear Passenger "BlueTooth,"
What the fuck?! Did you really just growl? Like, out loud? Oh my GOD, you just did it again! You straight up just yelled out loud about how much you hate AirTran and then bared your teeth to growl at the rest of us in line behind you! This is amazing. You don’t even look like a growler. You look like a fat, balding college professor type!
Wow. That was pretty cool, dude; the way you just hollered about how much you loathe Chicago and everyone from there. That’s a sure way to make some friends and have people think you’re super awesome. And telling the huge Jason-Bourne-lookin’ guy next to me that he "better not screw with you" is probably the best idea you’ve had today. Aww, hey! Wait! Why did you stop bellowing and growling like a lunatic? Was it because the police just showed up and are staring at you with their hands on their weapons? Gee, whatever could have caused them to react to you in such a way in a motherfucking airport? Hmm.
Try some Xanax sometime or better yet, some Cyanide you freak,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade
I Just Can’t Get You Out of My Head
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Ok, I know I should just let this neighbor thing go, but Jesus crap, I’m still so wigged out by how evil that dick was that I can’t stop plotting revenge! So, being as I might as well just get this out of my system, I invite you all to help me come up with ways to out-crazy the crazies next door. (Don’t worry, there’s a slim chance I’d actually do anything to them except for deny them the awesomeness of my company, but it makes me feel better to think about pwning them for being so cruel.) Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Put empty cans of rat poisoning all over the side of the house closest to theirs as a warning that their yappy ass dogs are not welcome on my lawn.
Make really good friends with all the other neighbors so that they like me best and invite me to all the fun parties and not them.
Find out how much of the shared drive we really own, then put up a fence on our side so that NOBODY can use it. Mwa ha ha!
Plant nothing but invasive weeds in my side of the garden, thereby destroying their side and totally infuriating the horticulturalist of the pair.
Plant drugs all over their house and call the cops. JoeRogie, I’m pretty sure you have a flawless idea how to make this happen, but can’t remember how it goes…
Bake lovely muffins and doggie treats laced with extra strength laxatives and deliver with an apologetic note saying, "So sorry we got off on the wrong foot!"
But what I really want to do is have them witness me do something so fucking creepy that they are too scared to ever say shit to me ever again. The best thing I can think of is to bring out my inner Voodoo priestess and slaughter a chicken in front of them whilst chanting "Damballah, Damballah, Damballah wedo" and dousing myself and the new house in fowl blood. Then, I’d make sure to periodically sprinkle feathers in their lawn as a terrifying reminder of what I’m capable of.
What else could I do in front of them to freak them the fuck out?
Put empty cans of rat poisoning all over the side of the house closest to theirs as a warning that their yappy ass dogs are not welcome on my lawn.
Make really good friends with all the other neighbors so that they like me best and invite me to all the fun parties and not them.
Find out how much of the shared drive we really own, then put up a fence on our side so that NOBODY can use it. Mwa ha ha!
Plant nothing but invasive weeds in my side of the garden, thereby destroying their side and totally infuriating the horticulturalist of the pair.
Plant drugs all over their house and call the cops. JoeRogie, I’m pretty sure you have a flawless idea how to make this happen, but can’t remember how it goes…
Bake lovely muffins and doggie treats laced with extra strength laxatives and deliver with an apologetic note saying, "So sorry we got off on the wrong foot!"
But what I really want to do is have them witness me do something so fucking creepy that they are too scared to ever say shit to me ever again. The best thing I can think of is to bring out my inner Voodoo priestess and slaughter a chicken in front of them whilst chanting "Damballah, Damballah, Damballah wedo" and dousing myself and the new house in fowl blood. Then, I’d make sure to periodically sprinkle feathers in their lawn as a terrifying reminder of what I’m capable of.
What else could I do in front of them to freak them the fuck out?
Wow. That Sure Ended Fast.
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I can’t believe I’m saying this so soon, but today was such a hideous icky, suck butt day. I know! After all the glory that was last week, someone flung poo at the record player and made the music skip.
I spent the entire day freezing my labes off in the fabulous new house. This would have been much more tits if the heat had been on, but long story short, I had to wait around for nine effing cold ass hours for the gas and water bitches to turn shit on. So not only that, but I didn’t have food, and could hit the hizz because no water means no flushies.
As if that suckiness weren’t enough, my sister and I were completely brutalized by my new neighbor. She stopped by to drop off some lunch for me and pulled into the shared drive. It’s the first time she’d been there, and it was snowing, so it wasn’t easy to tell what the driveway situation was. Regardless, the neighbor comes home, pulls his car over in the middle of the street and gets out to come bang on the door to tell me how rude I am to park there. We were so shocked at the way he attacked me, my sister and I just began to apologize and hurry to move her car, when he says, "I don’t want even want to hear about it, honey." And slams my door in my face. Then, he screams at my sister the entire way to her car saying "Yeah, of course you didn’t realize. Welcome to the fucking neighborhood."
What. The. Fuck.
How is that someone’s first reaction? How does someone reach the conclusion that that kind of behavior is acceptable? If this were the tenth time I’d blocked his driveway, I could understand a polite knock on the door to ask me to move, but to yell at us like we had just slit his stupid yappy Shitzu’s throat over such a small incident?! Man, makes me wish I’d done something awesome enough to merit being screamed at. Maybe I should kill his dog. And boil it. You know, just to see what happens.
I spent the entire day freezing my labes off in the fabulous new house. This would have been much more tits if the heat had been on, but long story short, I had to wait around for nine effing cold ass hours for the gas and water bitches to turn shit on. So not only that, but I didn’t have food, and could hit the hizz because no water means no flushies.
As if that suckiness weren’t enough, my sister and I were completely brutalized by my new neighbor. She stopped by to drop off some lunch for me and pulled into the shared drive. It’s the first time she’d been there, and it was snowing, so it wasn’t easy to tell what the driveway situation was. Regardless, the neighbor comes home, pulls his car over in the middle of the street and gets out to come bang on the door to tell me how rude I am to park there. We were so shocked at the way he attacked me, my sister and I just began to apologize and hurry to move her car, when he says, "I don’t want even want to hear about it, honey." And slams my door in my face. Then, he screams at my sister the entire way to her car saying "Yeah, of course you didn’t realize. Welcome to the fucking neighborhood."
What. The. Fuck.
How is that someone’s first reaction? How does someone reach the conclusion that that kind of behavior is acceptable? If this were the tenth time I’d blocked his driveway, I could understand a polite knock on the door to ask me to move, but to yell at us like we had just slit his stupid yappy Shitzu’s throat over such a small incident?! Man, makes me wish I’d done something awesome enough to merit being screamed at. Maybe I should kill his dog. And boil it. You know, just to see what happens.
Best Week Evarrr
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This last week has been so righteous that I’m kind of exhausted from all the kick-assery. I put up Christmas lights, took a lazy vacation day, found a real home for the rescue kitty, sent off one of my best drinkin’ buddies into the wild yonder of a new company, met some new friends, AND let’s not forget that I fucking sang with Poradova, which to date is The Coolest Thing That’s Ever Happened to Me.
But today. Today is the day that my gorgeous beast of a man gave me my key to the NEW TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS HOWSE! Oh my good GAWD, y’all. I am beside myself. I would post a picture of it, but then you’d all probably stalk me and mutilate my body whilst raping it, so I’ll have to let you imagine how fricking gorgeous and amazing it is. I’m gonna have a real porch, bitches! Ok, I’m hyperventilating and must go lie down now, but please, marinate in my good chi!! I’m happy to share.
But today. Today is the day that my gorgeous beast of a man gave me my key to the NEW TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS HOWSE! Oh my good GAWD, y’all. I am beside myself. I would post a picture of it, but then you’d all probably stalk me and mutilate my body whilst raping it, so I’ll have to let you imagine how fricking gorgeous and amazing it is. I’m gonna have a real porch, bitches! Ok, I’m hyperventilating and must go lie down now, but please, marinate in my good chi!! I’m happy to share.
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