Oh my GOD. I had the most hideous trip to the mall today. I'm minding my own business, flipping through a clearance rack, when the sales girl busts right in front of me to put away something. This totally pisses me off. I mean, can you wait the six seconds it would take for me to move on before you invade my bubble? And as if this weren't enough, she says to me, "These are the smalls. The medium and large racks are over there."
…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, BITCH?! You like my FAT ASS? I will DESTROY YOU, CONSUME YOU, AND SHIT OUT YOUR SOUL. Jesus ass! So I tell myself that she has a depth perception problem, and I decide to go ahead and try on a couple of jackets, but the dressing rooms are full. Rather than wait ten hours, or get all up in people's faces to stand in front of the dressing room mirror, I ask a sales lady where another mirror is. She looks at me all slack-jawed and vacant and points to the exact same dressing room mirror that I told her I was trying to avoid.
…
I've had about enough at this point, so I furiously clutch my purchases and take them to the counter, when this ugly, leather skinned hag and her demon spawn cut in front of me. This trip has been such a fucking nightmare, that I just take it as an opportunity to put back a shirt that I've changed my mind about. The scary child devil springs over to the rack and points to the shirt that I've just discarded and says, "This is so cute, mom!" And mom retorts, "Not really," then turns her creaky, handbag peg neck, and gives me the evil eye.
…
So I cut in front of her, pay, and get the hell out. Unfuckingreal, y'all! I will never leave my house again!
Today, I Didn't Even Have to Use My A.K. I Gotta Say, It Was a Good Day.
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Dude, I had three hideous things to do today:
1. Take my car to the dealer service shop because it was making a funny noise.
2. Transfer my plates from The Green Machine to The Dove.
3. Go to a hideous laser appointment in which they murder the hair follicles of my bikini line.
Any ocassion in which I have to deal with mechanics, the DMV, or voluntary pain pretty much guarantees I'm gonna get pissed off and cry like a bitch, so I was sure that trying to take on all three was going to make my head implode.
Fortunately, each encounter was like a delicious buttery piece of French toast and went deliciously! I was so skurred that my new car was a secret piece of shit and I'd have to spend a lot of $$ to fix it, BUT, not only do I get a free new radio for my car, but the noise is just the antennae! (Duh, on my part.) And at the DMV, there wasn't even a line! I just walked up and handed her some shizzy and went on my merry way. Then, the laser thing was super easy and they had installed televisions in the rooms, so while my hoo ha was being electrocuted, I got to distract myself by ironically watching Geraldo's mustache.
Clearly, something is up with the cosmos and my luck is as close to superluck as it's ever going to be. So I bought a Powerball ticket. Keep your fingers, toes, and butts crossed in the hopes that I become a hot rich sugar mama! Ow ow!
1. Take my car to the dealer service shop because it was making a funny noise.
2. Transfer my plates from The Green Machine to The Dove.
3. Go to a hideous laser appointment in which they murder the hair follicles of my bikini line.
Any ocassion in which I have to deal with mechanics, the DMV, or voluntary pain pretty much guarantees I'm gonna get pissed off and cry like a bitch, so I was sure that trying to take on all three was going to make my head implode.
Fortunately, each encounter was like a delicious buttery piece of French toast and went deliciously! I was so skurred that my new car was a secret piece of shit and I'd have to spend a lot of $$ to fix it, BUT, not only do I get a free new radio for my car, but the noise is just the antennae! (Duh, on my part.) And at the DMV, there wasn't even a line! I just walked up and handed her some shizzy and went on my merry way. Then, the laser thing was super easy and they had installed televisions in the rooms, so while my hoo ha was being electrocuted, I got to distract myself by ironically watching Geraldo's mustache.
Clearly, something is up with the cosmos and my luck is as close to superluck as it's ever going to be. So I bought a Powerball ticket. Keep your fingers, toes, and butts crossed in the hopes that I become a hot rich sugar mama! Ow ow!
Top Five
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Sooo, you know when you go to a concert or rock out really hard in your car and later, you notice your ears are ringing, then you wig out because you realize that your hearing is permanently damaged?
Top five songs for which you would willingly damage your hearing:
5. Ike and Tina Turner - Sing the Blues - "I've Been Loving You Too Long"
The Tina I grew up with had giant hair and sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" so I about wrecked my car the day I first heard this song on NPR. I literally had to pull over and weep. I had no idea she was so fabulous!
4. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of LA - "Testify"
Quite possibly The Best Song to Scream Along With In Your Car. I'd kill someone's mother to have them play in KC.
3. Deftones - White Pony - "Passenger"
Only Chino and Maynard could make a song about roadhead this hot. In the alternate universe where I'm a stripper, this is my signature song.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Things Falling Apart - "Metal"
You know I had a hard time narrowing this lost down to two NIN songs, but this one is so groovy and Gary Numan that I want to gyrate when I hear it, regardless of location.
1. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Live - "The Day the World Went Away"
I geek out so hard for this song. It moves me beyond reason. Reznor has outdone himself here.
Top five songs for which you would willingly damage your hearing:
5. Ike and Tina Turner - Sing the Blues - "I've Been Loving You Too Long"
The Tina I grew up with had giant hair and sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" so I about wrecked my car the day I first heard this song on NPR. I literally had to pull over and weep. I had no idea she was so fabulous!
4. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of LA - "Testify"
Quite possibly The Best Song to Scream Along With In Your Car. I'd kill someone's mother to have them play in KC.
3. Deftones - White Pony - "Passenger"
Only Chino and Maynard could make a song about roadhead this hot. In the alternate universe where I'm a stripper, this is my signature song.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Things Falling Apart - "Metal"
You know I had a hard time narrowing this lost down to two NIN songs, but this one is so groovy and Gary Numan that I want to gyrate when I hear it, regardless of location.
1. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Live - "The Day the World Went Away"
I geek out so hard for this song. It moves me beyond reason. Reznor has outdone himself here.
Happy Dance
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I got the most pee-your-pants pleasant surprise yesterday! I was in my fancy car, jamming to the new NIN album, when a song I'd never heard before came on that MELTED MY FACE WITH KICK ASSNESS! See, I thought I'd heard the whole thing because I'm a stalker and listened to every song I could get my grubby little hands on, but word, bitches! I dropped the balls on "God Given" somehow!
I'm just screamin', I haven't car danced in about three years, and babies…I boogied like whoa. Any man that can make me do boobie shakes while driving, deserves absolution for getting engaged, underestimating how little the world cares about his political opinions, and being a member of not only AA, but PETA. But in all seriousness, it's really nice to remember why I have always loved Reznor so much. He really is amazing.
So go out to NIN's MySpace profile, unmute your computer, and do the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. I promise it will make you feel like you just banged a team of Sexual Olympics gold medalists.
I'm just screamin', I haven't car danced in about three years, and babies…I boogied like whoa. Any man that can make me do boobie shakes while driving, deserves absolution for getting engaged, underestimating how little the world cares about his political opinions, and being a member of not only AA, but PETA. But in all seriousness, it's really nice to remember why I have always loved Reznor so much. He really is amazing.
So go out to NIN's MySpace profile, unmute your computer, and do the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. I promise it will make you feel like you just banged a team of Sexual Olympics gold medalists.
I Sick Myself Out
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First, I'd like to point you here for the best analysis of the new Marilyn Manson video:
http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2275
Ok, now that being said…What the fuck is wrong with me? Because somehow, that kind of did it for me. I KNOW! I know. I'm disgusting. They're disgusting! She's a homewrecking skank and he's a nasty, pasty, soulless synthesizer! GRODIE!
Ok, but…I saw him in concert one time and he did this thing with a mic stand that made me make that gross tongue gesture I do whenever I want to gnaw on a hot guy's face. AND…Antichrist Superstar. It rocked!!! Ok, I'm done poorly justifying my total heinousness. I realize that need to be mutilated with a Garden Weasel® and buried in the backyard stat, and will get right on that.
http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2275
Ok, now that being said…What the fuck is wrong with me? Because somehow, that kind of did it for me. I KNOW! I know. I'm disgusting. They're disgusting! She's a homewrecking skank and he's a nasty, pasty, soulless synthesizer! GRODIE!
Ok, but…I saw him in concert one time and he did this thing with a mic stand that made me make that gross tongue gesture I do whenever I want to gnaw on a hot guy's face. AND…Antichrist Superstar. It rocked!!! Ok, I'm done poorly justifying my total heinousness. I realize that need to be mutilated with a Garden Weasel® and buried in the backyard stat, and will get right on that.
Superstar!!!
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It blows my mind that celebrities are so...uh...celebrated. I'm just sayin', what the hell did Britney Spears ever do besides be cute and wiggle, like, 10 years ago? And Lohan?! Since when is snorting blow and smoking more pole than a hippie making bongs out of strip club furniture admirable activity?
I'm not saying I don't enjoy voyeuristically reading up on the gossip, but dude. Shouldn't we be holding the actually valuable members of society up on high? Like what about garbage men? Or peeps in sanitary waste management? Can you imagine what things would be like if we didn't have those cats around? Yeesh!
Some celebs seem much more ok than others, like Alyssa Milano. She's totally the type of chica I could drink beer and talk about boys with. And Joss Stone too. I'd make her do karaoke with me every week at DB's. I would also be friends with Conan O'Brien because don't you know he and his wife are super funny and chill? Also, I'd love to be friends with Justin Timberlake, but only so we could all go dancing with him. Hooray!
I'm not saying I don't enjoy voyeuristically reading up on the gossip, but dude. Shouldn't we be holding the actually valuable members of society up on high? Like what about garbage men? Or peeps in sanitary waste management? Can you imagine what things would be like if we didn't have those cats around? Yeesh!
Some celebs seem much more ok than others, like Alyssa Milano. She's totally the type of chica I could drink beer and talk about boys with. And Joss Stone too. I'd make her do karaoke with me every week at DB's. I would also be friends with Conan O'Brien because don't you know he and his wife are super funny and chill? Also, I'd love to be friends with Justin Timberlake, but only so we could all go dancing with him. Hooray!
Dawn and Dirty
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I had a crazy eventful commute this morning. In addition to almost being run off the road by a stupid church bus, I got stuck behind this tool in a hooptie who was driving like, 10 miles under the speed limit and drifting onto the shoulder. I was thinking, dude. It's 8:30 in the goddamn morning! Are you wasted already? (Jealous!!)
Then, I saw an arm magically appear from the depths of the passenger seat to caress his big gross bald head and I went, Then threw rock fingers in appreciation of pre-work road head.
Man, if that's how I rolled, I'd be so much more pleasant and productive. I feel like it should be mandatory, really! Employers really should get on board with this idea...
Then, I saw an arm magically appear from the depths of the passenger seat to caress his big gross bald head and I went, Then threw rock fingers in appreciation of pre-work road head.
Man, if that's how I rolled, I'd be so much more pleasant and productive. I feel like it should be mandatory, really! Employers really should get on board with this idea...
The Few. The Proud. The Shortcake.
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God damn, the military is hardcore. If I weren't such a sick pussy, I would have totally joined the Navy, but I guess all of us secretly would have signed up for some part of the armed forces if we had to.
My dad and I have been watching the Military Channel (I know, we're losers!) and freaking out over this amazing show about Marine recruitment. Lemme tell you somethin'. I would never, ever, want to have a trained Marine after my ass. Sexually or otherwise. Those mother fuckers could gut you like a wide mouth bass before you even realized they were on you, and you know what? That rocks. Loudly.
I wish I was a badass sometimes, but I'm pretty sure it's way more fun to stuff my face with strawberry shortcake and watch other people hammer it out on tv.
My dad and I have been watching the Military Channel (I know, we're losers!) and freaking out over this amazing show about Marine recruitment. Lemme tell you somethin'. I would never, ever, want to have a trained Marine after my ass. Sexually or otherwise. Those mother fuckers could gut you like a wide mouth bass before you even realized they were on you, and you know what? That rocks. Loudly.
I wish I was a badass sometimes, but I'm pretty sure it's way more fun to stuff my face with strawberry shortcake and watch other people hammer it out on tv.
Take a Freaking Picture!
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Have you ever been just hanging out and minding your own business, when suddenly, you notice that someone is staring at you?
This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.
I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.
I should eat her soul.
This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.
I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.
I should eat her soul.
I Said Lady, Step Inside My Hyundai...
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I'm officially a big girl! Check it:
That, my babies, my new pimp ride! I have air conditioning!!! And a radio that gets an actual signal! And side airbags that actually might work if I get pissed off and smash into some jerk-off that won't let me merge! My road rage is SO much cuter now!
That, my babies, my new pimp ride! I have air conditioning!!! And a radio that gets an actual signal! And side airbags that actually might work if I get pissed off and smash into some jerk-off that won't let me merge! My road rage is SO much cuter now!
Homeless Jumping
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This is totally how I feel when I'm driving to work:
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=82516
I know I'm sitting just a tad too far to the right to possible get any of the hippies on board with my hatred of the homeless, but dude. They are SO useless! They can't get their shit together, can't exist normally, and can't follow basic social norms! I mean, a man approaching a lone woman on the street is totally unacceptable and way skurry to me, but begging for my hard earned money?! Shut the fuck up! Balls, it offends me on so many levels.
I just don't agree that they're just folks who have lost their way. I don't believe that the homeless sleep outside because they like to live under the stars. I think the people that do that shit do it because they're effing crazy in the head. Ok?!So, no y'all, I don't think it's a good idear to go rolling down your car windows to give them change/enable them, and nay, I don't think it's a good idear to go trying to help them out unless you want them to kidnap your babies/rape you.
I'm not saying your intentions aren't good in wanting to see the best in them, but the homeless are about three steps above Paris Hilton, insofar as their contribution to civilized society (and the rampant spreading of disease,) so let's not encourage them. Or Paris either for that matter.
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=82516
I know I'm sitting just a tad too far to the right to possible get any of the hippies on board with my hatred of the homeless, but dude. They are SO useless! They can't get their shit together, can't exist normally, and can't follow basic social norms! I mean, a man approaching a lone woman on the street is totally unacceptable and way skurry to me, but begging for my hard earned money?! Shut the fuck up! Balls, it offends me on so many levels.
I just don't agree that they're just folks who have lost their way. I don't believe that the homeless sleep outside because they like to live under the stars. I think the people that do that shit do it because they're effing crazy in the head. Ok?!So, no y'all, I don't think it's a good idear to go rolling down your car windows to give them change/enable them, and nay, I don't think it's a good idear to go trying to help them out unless you want them to kidnap your babies/rape you.
I'm not saying your intentions aren't good in wanting to see the best in them, but the homeless are about three steps above Paris Hilton, insofar as their contribution to civilized society (and the rampant spreading of disease,) so let's not encourage them. Or Paris either for that matter.
Take a Freaking Picture!
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Have you ever been just hanging out and minding your own business, when suddenly, you notice that someone is staring at you?
This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.
I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.
I should eat her soul.
This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.
I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.
I should eat her soul.
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