Travel Chronicles Vegas

I Said DAMN...God Damn!

Ah, Vegas. Debauchery, diva hair, and deliciousness. I couldn’t love it more. We were so dangerously hot that I’m surprised that so few of us actually did get laid. Morals. *Scoff.* Staying faithful to one’s boyfriend. *Scoff.* But we did get so much attention that it was offensive. Hooray!

We stayed at the lovely the Paris Las Vegas and spent the majority of our days lounging by the poolside. I fried myself to a crispy Paris Hilton red and had to cake on Leslie’s foundation all over my shockingly white tan lines. It was hot.

Amanda and I won $42 at roulette, but only after the freaky dealer made me turn around so he could “read” the Mizzou logo on my ass. Hey. Whatever it takes to sway the dealer, right? And we had awesome dinners at Country Kitchen-esque restaurants. Mmmm mmm! I love me some calico bean soup! I ended our Friday by challenging Ashley’s Best Lap Dance Ever and gave a performance for Amanda that caught the attention of the entire club. It’s so fun to be slutty!

We partied like total rock stars on Saturday at Rain and Ghost Bar in the Palms. Our Sugar Daddy Rick introduced us to his friend who was serious VIP. We were all decked out and breezed past the long ass line like we were in a Quentin Tarantino slow motion sequence. Everybody stared at us like we were famous. Little did they know that we are famous. In my world. While lounging around in the VIP section, we saw AC Slater (that cheating douche face, ) Brandy, and Christina Aguilera. She was way cuter and tinier than you’d expect.

It was such a blast and so scandalous. Scandalous for reasons that I will leave to your imagination, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But wouldn’t you like to know….

Travel Chronicles South Dakota

Gimme That...That...That Nut

I heart South Dakota! Oh my God. You go out with the Fun Crew, and you could possibly keel over from all the freaking fun. They truly live up to their name! We packed up the car and made the trip to Cory and Cec’s home town, Sioux Falls. If only every city could have the beer prices of Sioux Falls. God Bless them.

We spent the first two nights boozing it up at Nutty’s. (Insert infantile snickering here.) I swear, the beers were like Warren’s stein that weighs 13 lbs when full, and they were like, $1.80!!! Needless to say, we got so hammered that the first night, Arti, Cecilee and I stayed up all night and had a full on slumber party in Cec’s high school room, and the second night, I ended up making out with some random guy who managed to piss me off somehow so I locked him out of the house. I am so classy, it hurts me on the inside.

Then we trekked up to Chamberlain, SD, where we stayed with Cecilee’s adorable fam. They seriously built this “cabin” from the ground up. I use quotations because it was actually an amazing house. I guess her poor dad took an accidental 50 ft dive off of some scaffolding, which promptly tipped and fell straight on him. This is a tiny town, so there were no street names for the ambulance to use to find him. After he was rescued and returned to full health, they finally named the street, but Arti and I are thinking that we should petition the city have them change the name from Elm St. to Diamond Falls. Get it! Ha! A Diamond fell! Ah. We are so brilliant!

We spent most of our days drinking Red Beers on the Diamond’s boat. I even leaped into the Missouri and actually swam a bit. It was shockingly clean and pretty that far north. You hop into the MO in Kansas City and you’ll come out with an arm growing out of your ass. Everybody was kind enough to celebrate with me by boozing that night at the local country club. We played the meanest game of Circle of Death ever. At one point, the rule was that no one could speak. When the category of sexual positions came up, we gave the bar a nice show with our x-rated pantomimes.

Aside from Cory nearly slitting the throat of a stupid driver and drinking from their neck stem, we managed to survive the trip without incident. Yay South Dakota!

Travel Chronicles Yokohama Giant - Letters

Have You Ever, Like, Really Listened to the Lyrics from "Turning Japanese?" 'Cause They are Hella Fucked Up. FYI.

My little chopsticks,
So Japan is incredible. And the malls are impressive. I'm talking there were four towers in the one we went to yesterday. Unfortunately, the actual shopping sucks only because I am too gargantuan to fit into ANYTHING. I tried on a pair of "XXL shoes" and I couldn't even wedge my enormous toes into them.

After that humiliating experience, I declined trying on any clothing items as they could all serve as pretty flowey thigh decorations rather than actual clothes. I feel like the earth should shake and crumble beneath my thundering footfalls. Other than that small drawback, I think it is beautiful here. The streets are so clean you could easily justify applying the ten second rule and there's not even public trash cans. Amazing, no? And the subway is the same, only wallpapered with really cool propaganda ads full of pictures of hot Japanese girls insisting that they are happy because they read Pinky Magazine.

So good times all around so far. Of course, now I have to go to work with my ha ha (mama in Japanese!) so the good times shall soon end. Booooo! Hope you are all grossly misbehaving!

w/love,
Sum

Travel Chronicles Yokohama - Letters

Saki it to Me

Hello babies!

I made it without a scratch...unless you count my hernia, which I think is more likely a gestating alien, festering and waiting for just the right moment to pop out of my guts and drink all the saki at the dinner table. (I actually think it is a pulled muscle, but a hernia sounds so much more dramatic, don't you think?) I haven't had much of an opportunity to see much of Japan yet, but I will today for sure.

So far, it is balmy and beautiful, and the people are super nice and don't mind translating signs for you. I do feel like a huge sick Amazon, though. I may stop eating so as to better fit in w/the tiny 91lb girls everywhere. More soon! I love you guys!

w/love,
Sum