Shout. Shout. Let It All Out.

Last weekend, I went to see Tears for Fears. Who wants to touch me? Go ahead. I know you want to. But do be careful. You might get burned by the flaming hotness that is this ASS! Look at this ass! Look, God damn it, look! Ahem. Sorry. Anywho, they totally wailed! Despite a lackluster performance of “Shout,” they kicked the ass of “Head Over Heels” so much so, that I will be bleeding out the back door for days in sympathy. I love for Tears for Fears!

Despite the excellent rocking outage, I was totally distracted by a ghastly trend that was brought to my attention at the concert: Modern Eighty’s Dancing. Holy shit, I was shocked! I mean, I know that Tears was largely an eighty’s phenomenon, but I really didn’t expect people to just stop time in high school circa 1986 and then regurgitate the dance moves from their puffy-sleeved prom into the lap of the present day. Yikes! I was slightly amused and a little scared.

Now for the record, I’ve gone to eighty’s night at clubs before and I have shamelessly loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, I always end up standing there like a complete douche, trying to figure out how to work it on the dance floor. I just can’t do it! It’s not that I don’t dig the music, it’s just that it doesn’t inspire the booty like hip hop does. All my dancing is in the ass. I hear a good beat and it starts going all by itself. I actually have very little control over it. I just have to go with it, hope for the best, and swat men off of it as they try to dry hump it in passing.

In case you are like me and are a child of the booty era, please allow me to educate you in the manner of Eighty’s Dancing. There are several acceptable forms which you may commence practicing in the privacy of your home in front of the mirror. Don’t be embarrassed, we all do it. I’m gonna go get my legwarmers, sweatband, and leotard, you go put on “You Spin Me Right Round, Baby,” and stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Now, bounce in a furious jerking motion using only your knees. Once you have the rhythm, you may begin shifting your weight from one leg to the next while maintaining the motion of wrenching yourself up and down with your knee joints. Ass should not be moving. At all. If it moves, you’re out, Tom. Think Lord of the Dance.

Now for the torso; this is the key, people. Pay close attention or I will spank you with a VHS copy of Sixteen Candles. The unwavering rule is to always lead with the shoulder. Stick that left one way out there and rotate your body 180 degrees with it from left to right. You may have to take it easy on the knee bouncing while you get the hang of this move or you might blow out a joint or two. I tried this earlier and had to be hospitalized because my right leg popped off like a Ken doll.

Now that you can fling yourself up and down like a pivoting jackhammer, you’ve got to work that head (insert adolescent snickering here.) There is only one acceptable way to move your head whilst eighty’s dancing: you will nod furiously as though Pamela Anderson or Brad Pitt, or possibly Pamela Anderson and Brad Pitt, depending on your preference, just walked in and said, “Wanna finger paint my delicious bod with melted chocolate, hot marshmallows, and graham crackers?” Don’t dream it, be it.

You are on your way to being an eighty’s dance master…get excited! You have three choices of arm motions: clapping, pumping fists, or air drumming . Let’s begin with the clapping. The more widely accepted form of this gesture is to hold arms rigidly at sides, with forearms at a 90 degree angle to torso. Your fingers should be extended and you should be clapping like a seal in heat.

The second movement of the arms can be achieved by spreading your arms out as if you were being crucified. Now, roll forearms up so that they point to the ceiling. You will now look very much like Beavis screaming “I am Cornholio!” Because you are. Now, ball up your fists as if you were hanging onto suspended handlebars in my bedroom. Because you will be tonight, baby! Ow ow! Now, thrust those fists into the air as hard as you can. The object of eighty’s dancing is not fluidity, but rather flinging one’s body around to resemble an epileptic seizure.

Finally, your last option for arm movements is the ever popular air drumming. Assume the Cornholio position (insert full out cackling here.) Now don’t get too crazy with it because you are only allowed to flick your wrists as your hands hold the imaginary drumsticks. It is preferable if you drum during the off beats, or better yet, when there are no beats at all.

If you can combine the bouncing, rotating, and alternate between the three exciting versions of hand motions, you will be a star. Granted, a star that has missed his or her moment to be discovered by Prince in a smoky cool dance club whilst wearing spandex, glitter, and sporting large brunette hair, then named something exotic like Carmen Electra and subsequently challenged to a wicked game of hoops, but never fear, you’re totally going to rock the hizouse in your bedroom by yourself. Not that you don't anyway, but it can't hurt to add a little something something to your repertoire, right? Woo hoo!