I Hate Girls

Wow. I’m not sure if I should just smile and say, “I take it back. Boys are all that is pure and beautiful and brilliant in this world,” or just copy and paste some of the atrocious pleas of defense I’ve received, throw my hands up, and say…”I told you so!” I’m so confused. Several males, in genuinely valiant efforts to redeem their bretheren, only succeeded in turning me gay. It’s official, girls. I’m yours for the taking. Call me Willow from now on. I will only play softball and wear flannel from this day forth.

So, seeing as I am now a lesbian, I will have to start critiquing women instead of men. Eat your hearts out, boys. Let’s start with the first kind of Women I Hate Most: The Guy’s Girl. Oooh. I have to shudder when I type that. These are the most beastly creatures ever. These skanks are easily identifiable by their frequent boasting of their Guy’s Girldom. A woman will meet one and within the first several conversations, the Guy’s Troll will make it clear that she is not interested in being friends because she “get’s along better with guys.” And she most certainly does. Hem hem hem.

What they won’t tell you, is why they are a Guy’s Hoochie. It’s not because they are sporty or grew up with a bunch of brothers, it’s because they do not respect other women. They operate under the assumption that male opinions are more valuable than anything, except possibly for the priority of wearing hideous clothing. Privately, they are very insecure, so they surround themselves with guys who constantly validate their attractiveness and fuel their egos. They know that they could probably sleep with any of these guys, but that’s not the goal. The objective is to be adored and respected by men because they don’t give a flying fuck through a rolling doughnut about other women. They will be the first to gleefully stab another woman in the back because to them, girlies are inferior.

These brutish girls are slightly oily and inappropriately dressed. They have stringy hair and chug beer with their best friends, which are obviously guys. The Guy’s Whore secretly sizes up her friends’ new girlfriends and thinks, “She’s not so cute. And she has no tits. Good thing I wore my lowest cut shirt that is three times too tight for my wooly mammoth fucking ta tas.” Her milky little mind is threatened by the new girl, so she aggressively throws her breasts around and pisses on her guy friends, thus marking her territory in an effort to assert her dominance.

It could end with The Guy’s Slut intimidating the new girl out of the picture, but in my unfortunate experiences, they usually rock the world of the proverbial guy friend all night long just to ensure his loyalty to her. Fortunately for the rest of womankind, this rarely works. She gets on him, he gets off, things get weird, and she is eventually ostracized from the group. Do not pity the Guy’s Party Favor, for she loves this nomadic lifestyle and feeds off of threatening other girls. All these fugly spazoids really care about is having weirdly unhealthy, sexually tense relationships with men. They closely resemble the wild North American Stupid Boy (as seen on the Discovery Channel, yo) in that they mimic his behavior by treating women like objects and frequently squatting near the first available phallic symbol to prove their version of virility.

Then there is the more malevolent of the sort of Women I Hate Most: The Evil Psycho Bitch That Pretends to Be Your Friend Until They Distort Everything You’ve Ever Said, Rip Out Your Lungs, Eat Them, and Make Everybody, Including Yourself, Hate You. These are the most frightening monsters to ever inhabit the earth. They make crocodiles look like fluffy pink bunnies and even have the creepy dead eye thing going for them. The reason these devil bitches are so sinister is that there is absolutely no motivation for their attacks. They usually are at peace with their inner children and have pleasant lives but still, as if emotional serial killers, they cheerfully destroy other women through a series of calculating, diabolical, and Cartman-a-la-“Scott-Tenorman-Must-Die-“plots.

They ally themselves with weakling Minion Girls that will do their vicious bidding. These hos are also detestable and vile, but they will take so much abuse from the Evil Psychos that they inevitably get bitten in the ass by karma. Hooray! The Evil Psycho Bitch uses these feeble followers to execute her destruction, usually employing them to gather information on the things that her target loves the most so she can suck them dry like so much tick. She manipulates everyone around her and uses her sharp intellect to stab out the reproductive organs of anyone who dares to displease her.

They are usually beautiful and/or wealthy. They must have something superficial with which to lord over others and keep them in constant fear/admiration of their superiority. As far as men go, they are simply meaningless possessions. They will collect them as accessories and wear them until they go out of fashion. Evil Psycho Bitches care about no one.

Their favorite victims are nice girls who don’t recognize The Bitches for what they are. They start out so friendly and have cute little noses that wrinkle when they smile and they effortlessly make these normal girls feel so included. But slowly, their true face starts to peek out from under all that Bobbi Brown makeup and the horns sprout. It starts with little things like excluding the girl from a much anticipated event, then the minions and their vile leader go on and on about how much fun it was in the manner of, "And oh my GOD! Barbie made out with (insert guy nice girl lives for) then fell out of a moving cab! It was so thrashin'!"

Then the freak show moves on to the seemingly offhand comments about the normal girl’s hair, clothes, car, boy, whatever. They’ll say, “Hmm. You should really cut your hair. You’d look so much cuter without all those split ends.” Or “God, you always dress like a grandma. HA ha ha ha! Just kidding,” as if the laughter and insincere disclaimer makes the totally ass lickingly rude remark ok. Then, after they’ve shattered the nice girl’s entire world, they will screw her boyfriend. Twice. On film.

So you see babies, it’s not just boys, it’s everybody. People are stupid. I really would invite you to join the I Hate People Club, but I hate you all too much. Mwa ha haaaa! Oh, I’m just kidding. I hate everybody but you guys. You’re my pumpkins! And now I hope you are all tucked into the crook of my arm, smoking cigarettes, and feeling completely satisfied with the warm and fuzzy knowledge that I don’t single out any one gender to mock. I am equal opportunistic in my scorn. Yay for impartial disdain!