Save Me

Somebody, please, for the love of fuck, kidnap me. Call in and make a Cloverfield moster threat. Anything to get me outta here!

All day, I sit in classes I've already taken. I listen to self-important idiots fellate themselves on their drinking of the Kool-aid. Seriously, y'all. One of them is this freak of nature with the Hugest Man-Ass in North America, only with this face:



Are you with me yet on how much I want to stab out my eyes? So if you hear of anything open for a tech writer, please. Let the hiring manager know that I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose and pass along my resume.

I Got Laid…

Laid off that is! ;)

It was a huge surprise to get shit canned yesterday, but you know, who cares, really. I have taken more impressive shits than the job I had, and plus, my boss was a pig of a man with bitch tits and peg-like teeth. *shudders* So no real loss anyway.

The good news is that even though they eliminated my position, I am one of the "lucky ones" who was offered another job in a different department in lieu of a severance package. I'm so gonna show up to this new job on Monday with a smile on my face and an buttload of other companies to contact. I'm more than happy to job-hunt on their dime!

PWNED

I was minding my own business in the parking lot this morning, walking from my car to my work building, when I slipped on a patch of ice and FELL ON MY FUCKING FACE. Like, in front of an entire audience of people! I was skating around on my fat belly like a goddamn penguin and they were all, *gasp* are you ok? And I was all, shut the fuck up, you hags! Way to draw attention to me totally getting pwned by the ice! Can’t you just pretend like you didn’t just see me eat it?

So I had to bust out the Workman’s Comp and make sure I didn’t super-fuck up my wrist, and spent the better part of the morning with the dredges of society who were being drug tested and smelling of old bar and mullet. Oh well, at least it’s just a minor sprain, but it still hurts like a bitch, and I’m typing one-handed so it doesn’t explode. Hoo-fucking-ray. At least I still have my dignity. Kinda.

Letters from the Airport

Letters from the Airport



Dear Passenger "Tits,"
Wow. Your rack is amazing. I mean, I haven’t even bothered to look at the monitor to watch the progression of my flight’s perpetual delays because you keep leaning forward and gesturing. While I covet your huge, buoyant cleavage, I’m mostly happy for you that you know how fucking kick ass your tits are.
Thanks for the pleasant airport distraction, G!
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade

Dear Passenger "Drop Out,"
Are you serious? You actually dropped out of high school?! Who the fuck does that in this day and age? Don’t you have enough access to modern communication to realize what a retard move that is? And you actually told the girl with the giant jubblies this, like it’s going to impress her? Oh my GOD. There is no amount of telling a chick "I’ll so be snowboarding tomorrow" that is ever gonna redeem you if you can’t even hold it together to get through fricking high school.
Best of luck being a dirty, uneducated drain upon society,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade

Dear Passengers "Ma and Pa Spears,"
Your kid is cute. She is a tiny and adorable little sponge desperately seeking your guidance and instruction on how to behave on an airplane. While you two were busy plugging in your iPods and computers to ignore your child, she spent the better part of an hour kicking the living shit out of the back of my chair. You guys are dicks and need to quit neglecting your spawn. And while you’re at it, please stop baby talking her in that gay wavering voice that’s ten times too loud. She’s like four and way too old for that shit.
Hope your kid doesn’t turn out worse than Lindsay Lohan,
Your Disgruntled Airplane Comrade

Dear Passenger "BlueTooth,"
What the fuck?! Did you really just growl? Like, out loud? Oh my GOD, you just did it again! You straight up just yelled out loud about how much you hate AirTran and then bared your teeth to growl at the rest of us in line behind you! This is amazing. You don’t even look like a growler. You look like a fat, balding college professor type!
Wow. That was pretty cool, dude; the way you just hollered about how much you loathe Chicago and everyone from there. That’s a sure way to make some friends and have people think you’re super awesome. And telling the huge Jason-Bourne-lookin’ guy next to me that he "better not screw with you" is probably the best idea you’ve had today. Aww, hey! Wait! Why did you stop bellowing and growling like a lunatic? Was it because the police just showed up and are staring at you with their hands on their weapons? Gee, whatever could have caused them to react to you in such a way in a motherfucking airport? Hmm.
Try some Xanax sometime or better yet, some Cyanide you freak,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade