Travel Chronicles Yokohama Giant - Letters

Have You Ever, Like, Really Listened to the Lyrics from "Turning Japanese?" 'Cause They are Hella Fucked Up. FYI.

My little chopsticks,
So Japan is incredible. And the malls are impressive. I'm talking there were four towers in the one we went to yesterday. Unfortunately, the actual shopping sucks only because I am too gargantuan to fit into ANYTHING. I tried on a pair of "XXL shoes" and I couldn't even wedge my enormous toes into them.

After that humiliating experience, I declined trying on any clothing items as they could all serve as pretty flowey thigh decorations rather than actual clothes. I feel like the earth should shake and crumble beneath my thundering footfalls. Other than that small drawback, I think it is beautiful here. The streets are so clean you could easily justify applying the ten second rule and there's not even public trash cans. Amazing, no? And the subway is the same, only wallpapered with really cool propaganda ads full of pictures of hot Japanese girls insisting that they are happy because they read Pinky Magazine.

So good times all around so far. Of course, now I have to go to work with my ha ha (mama in Japanese!) so the good times shall soon end. Booooo! Hope you are all grossly misbehaving!

w/love,
Sum

Travel Chronicles Yokohama - Letters

Saki it to Me

Hello babies!

I made it without a scratch...unless you count my hernia, which I think is more likely a gestating alien, festering and waiting for just the right moment to pop out of my guts and drink all the saki at the dinner table. (I actually think it is a pulled muscle, but a hernia sounds so much more dramatic, don't you think?) I haven't had much of an opportunity to see much of Japan yet, but I will today for sure.

So far, it is balmy and beautiful, and the people are super nice and don't mind translating signs for you. I do feel like a huge sick Amazon, though. I may stop eating so as to better fit in w/the tiny 91lb girls everywhere. More soon! I love you guys!

w/love,
Sum

Travel Chronicles Stockholm - Letters

Ride it...My pony...My saddle's Waitin' Come and Jump On It

For shizzel, my bizzels!
Ok, so Stockholm is bitchin'! First of all, the company was delightful and who knew that I am clearly of Viking descent? Think about it...I am blonde, blue eyed, fair, drop dead smoking hot, and extremely violent and vulgar. It makes perfect sense now, doesn't it? Ja! Javlar cosa!!! Raggarstrang!

So if any of you were ever wishing you were with me on this trip, now is the time to dance around in glee that you are not here. I will travel 44 hours straight to get back to KC. I have a 13 hr layover in London and an overnight one in Newark. Blah. I'm totally dreading it, but what are you gonna do? I'm just praying that I sit next to Americans who bathe on the long flight to the States. What is it with the Euostench, anyway? I live for you, hos!
w/love,
Sum

Travel Chronicles Nice/Florence - Letters

Big Like Buffalo...Long Like Snake

Ciao, my naughties!

I finally got into Florence today. Jesus Christ. Why is travelling between European countires such a biyotch?

Seriously, my train was cancelled and I was FORCED to take a horrendous bus to Milan. Fortunately, I made a great new friend named Paula, who is some big wig in the entertainment industry. So, Paula insisted that I join her and her friends in Milan where we partied like total rockstars. It was SO fun, despite the Ninth Circle of Hell, (a.k.a Tha Bus.) All of her friends were artists and designers and they had the most fabulous apartments in the history of the world. We ended up smoking weed on this Danish guy's rooftop at 4AM. Clearly, it turned out ok after all!

So I thought I'd be learning all kinds of life lessons on this trip, like you can always depend on the kindness of strangers and you can get around just fine on your own, but the two most important things I've picked up so far are:

1. Don't step on the wet spots on the sidewalk...they're dog excretions.
2. I have above average ta tas!

The beaches in Nice were (uncomfortably composed of boulder like rocks that dig into your back, and) topless. So, when in France... I picked a spot in the middle of a large group topless women, so as not to stand out, and I released the party hats into the wild blue yonder, where they were exceptionally burned.

But really, the only racks I ever see are these perfect, C-Ho-esque, full, perfect boobs. I had no idea until I was in Nice that MOST women's chi chis are not Playboy quality! I am in the majority! Yay! I'm feeling very much like celebrating by exposing my breasts in public as much as possible from now on. Just thought I'd share that with you! I love you guys and miss you tons! I'll be back soon...get you're dancing shoes on!

w/love,
Summer