Cars Suck Bull Rhino Balls

Car accidents are super gay. I've had two in my life, and both were hideously hideous experiences. The first was not my fault. I was 17 years old and driving home from a high school play rehearsal. I was minding my own business and rocking out to STP in my hawt little Civic, when BOOM. This senile old skank turned left from the right-hand lane and smashed into my car. The engine dropped out, saving my legs from being crushed, and I sat there looking at the hood of my car peeled up over my windshield. My car was totaled, but we both were fine, thanks to Honda's solid engineering.

The next accident was my fault. It was a very minor, but irritating fender bender. And you know what? That bitch was SO FUCKING HATEFUL to me that you'd think I'd murdered her entire family at Christmas time, and fucked their corpses under the damn tree instead of pulling too far out into an intersection. It's not like I thought, you know what would be fun? To hit some whore, fuck up my car, and raise my car insurance. Especially, THAT whore right there. Just to ruin her stupid day. 'Cuz you know, I did it on purpose. It's not like it's called an accident for a reason.

To this day, I still hate senior citizen drivers who are too smacked out on Parkinson's meds to drive properly. Why we don't make people take the driver's test every 10 years is beyond me. And also, I sincerely hope that tvile martyr cunt is responsible for a car accident in which she kills someone someday. Only that someone is a child molester, but nobody knows, so she feels like ASS for ALL ETERNITY.

Moral of the story: Be cool when you get into a car accident, bitches. It's inevitable, so have some damn insurance, quit driving when you're too ancient to function, and go kill yourself if you can't be gracious when somebody accidentally hits you.

The World is Stupid.

I hate the world. I HATE it!!!

I hate people that read blogs and don't take the 30 whole seconds it takes post a comment to let that blogger know that yes, they did enjoy the post enough to encourage them to keep up the good work. For fuck's sake!

I hate people that pick the bathroom stall next to yours when you were there first, minding your own biznazz, and trying to take a crap even though there are fucking four other stalls open. Seriously.

I hate people that are too into ass play. It's gross. What the fuck? Clearly, they are banging skanks up the butt all the time because they have weak genes and nature has wired them to stop procreating.

I hate this stupid bitch on What Not to Wear who is fat and gross and is acting like an ass basket, all crying and being rude to the peeps trying to fix her hideous troll wardrobe.

I hate everyone that has a tattoo because I wish I had the balls to get one too. You bitches.

And I HATE everyone that doesn't have to move out in four weeks (um, the hottest time of the year, whorebags) even though they don't know where the hell they're going to live.

Ok, ok, fine. I don't hate everyone. I love you guys, but I do want to light someone on fire to satiate my irrational rage. I'm thinking Tom Cruise. I despise his stupid, short, dyslexic, fucked-up-teeth ass.

Any nominations?

Superhero Beyonce

Sometimes, when life kinda sucks, I wish that I could trade places with like, Beyonce. You know, just to escape from my stupid gay problems for a while.

Wouldn't that be so tits though? Like, you get to loll about in her cush world and go around booty popping in her fabulous body all day, while she steps in and takes over your suck life and pasty bod to right all your wrongs with her complete and total kick assness. I just feel like she would totally know what to do and all the right things to say so that when we trade back, everything would be even more money than before. Ha ha! Because Beyonce Knowles best! Ah ha. Ha? Oh, whatever.

Who would you bitches want to trade places with when shit hits the fan?

New Girl Crush!

Last night, Nellorz, Ronald and I went to see a show. This was no ordinary local band playing in a tiny beerless venue that smells like my gramma's basement, but a FACE MELTINGLY, KICK ASS, Oh my GOD amazing local band in a tiny beerless venue that smells like my gramma's basement. You guys, seriously. Seriously, you guys.

You know what a hideous snob I am about exposing myself (*insert juvenile snicker here) to new music. I have my five bands I really like and I feel very safe and comfortable hiding in my little 1999 cave with them, so when peeps try to make me listen to stuff, I deliberately don't, largely because they press the issue and then I have to refuse based on irrational principle.

However, this band was a delightful surprise, and is unquestionably one of The Best Finds of the Year. The lead vocalist is captivating and intense, and she totally bent this cover of "No Quarter" over and fucked it so hard, it won't be able to walk for weeks. THAT is how good this show was.

She's added a drummer, bongoist, bassist, guitarist, cellist, and yes, xylophonist to her lineup since the recordings on MySpace, so to get the full experience, I suggest you join me at aby of their shows because I will BE THERE, screaming like a groupie in the front row and throwing my chunders at the stage!