Oh my GOD. I had the most hideous trip to the mall today. I'm minding my own business, flipping through a clearance rack, when the sales girl busts right in front of me to put away something. This totally pisses me off. I mean, can you wait the six seconds it would take for me to move on before you invade my bubble? And as if this weren't enough, she says to me, "These are the smalls. The medium and large racks are over there."
…
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, BITCH?! You like my FAT ASS? I will DESTROY YOU, CONSUME YOU, AND SHIT OUT YOUR SOUL. Jesus ass! So I tell myself that she has a depth perception problem, and I decide to go ahead and try on a couple of jackets, but the dressing rooms are full. Rather than wait ten hours, or get all up in people's faces to stand in front of the dressing room mirror, I ask a sales lady where another mirror is. She looks at me all slack-jawed and vacant and points to the exact same dressing room mirror that I told her I was trying to avoid.
…
I've had about enough at this point, so I furiously clutch my purchases and take them to the counter, when this ugly, leather skinned hag and her demon spawn cut in front of me. This trip has been such a fucking nightmare, that I just take it as an opportunity to put back a shirt that I've changed my mind about. The scary child devil springs over to the rack and points to the shirt that I've just discarded and says, "This is so cute, mom!" And mom retorts, "Not really," then turns her creaky, handbag peg neck, and gives me the evil eye.
…
So I cut in front of her, pay, and get the hell out. Unfuckingreal, y'all! I will never leave my house again!
Today, I Didn't Even Have to Use My A.K. I Gotta Say, It Was a Good Day.
Posted in on by
Dude, I had three hideous things to do today:
1. Take my car to the dealer service shop because it was making a funny noise.
2. Transfer my plates from The Green Machine to The Dove.
3. Go to a hideous laser appointment in which they murder the hair follicles of my bikini line.
Any ocassion in which I have to deal with mechanics, the DMV, or voluntary pain pretty much guarantees I'm gonna get pissed off and cry like a bitch, so I was sure that trying to take on all three was going to make my head implode.
Fortunately, each encounter was like a delicious buttery piece of French toast and went deliciously! I was so skurred that my new car was a secret piece of shit and I'd have to spend a lot of $$ to fix it, BUT, not only do I get a free new radio for my car, but the noise is just the antennae! (Duh, on my part.) And at the DMV, there wasn't even a line! I just walked up and handed her some shizzy and went on my merry way. Then, the laser thing was super easy and they had installed televisions in the rooms, so while my hoo ha was being electrocuted, I got to distract myself by ironically watching Geraldo's mustache.
Clearly, something is up with the cosmos and my luck is as close to superluck as it's ever going to be. So I bought a Powerball ticket. Keep your fingers, toes, and butts crossed in the hopes that I become a hot rich sugar mama! Ow ow!
1. Take my car to the dealer service shop because it was making a funny noise.
2. Transfer my plates from The Green Machine to The Dove.
3. Go to a hideous laser appointment in which they murder the hair follicles of my bikini line.
Any ocassion in which I have to deal with mechanics, the DMV, or voluntary pain pretty much guarantees I'm gonna get pissed off and cry like a bitch, so I was sure that trying to take on all three was going to make my head implode.
Fortunately, each encounter was like a delicious buttery piece of French toast and went deliciously! I was so skurred that my new car was a secret piece of shit and I'd have to spend a lot of $$ to fix it, BUT, not only do I get a free new radio for my car, but the noise is just the antennae! (Duh, on my part.) And at the DMV, there wasn't even a line! I just walked up and handed her some shizzy and went on my merry way. Then, the laser thing was super easy and they had installed televisions in the rooms, so while my hoo ha was being electrocuted, I got to distract myself by ironically watching Geraldo's mustache.
Clearly, something is up with the cosmos and my luck is as close to superluck as it's ever going to be. So I bought a Powerball ticket. Keep your fingers, toes, and butts crossed in the hopes that I become a hot rich sugar mama! Ow ow!
Top Five
Posted in on by
Sooo, you know when you go to a concert or rock out really hard in your car and later, you notice your ears are ringing, then you wig out because you realize that your hearing is permanently damaged?
Top five songs for which you would willingly damage your hearing:
5. Ike and Tina Turner - Sing the Blues - "I've Been Loving You Too Long"
The Tina I grew up with had giant hair and sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" so I about wrecked my car the day I first heard this song on NPR. I literally had to pull over and weep. I had no idea she was so fabulous!
4. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of LA - "Testify"
Quite possibly The Best Song to Scream Along With In Your Car. I'd kill someone's mother to have them play in KC.
3. Deftones - White Pony - "Passenger"
Only Chino and Maynard could make a song about roadhead this hot. In the alternate universe where I'm a stripper, this is my signature song.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Things Falling Apart - "Metal"
You know I had a hard time narrowing this lost down to two NIN songs, but this one is so groovy and Gary Numan that I want to gyrate when I hear it, regardless of location.
1. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Live - "The Day the World Went Away"
I geek out so hard for this song. It moves me beyond reason. Reznor has outdone himself here.
Top five songs for which you would willingly damage your hearing:
5. Ike and Tina Turner - Sing the Blues - "I've Been Loving You Too Long"
The Tina I grew up with had giant hair and sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" so I about wrecked my car the day I first heard this song on NPR. I literally had to pull over and weep. I had no idea she was so fabulous!
4. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of LA - "Testify"
Quite possibly The Best Song to Scream Along With In Your Car. I'd kill someone's mother to have them play in KC.
3. Deftones - White Pony - "Passenger"
Only Chino and Maynard could make a song about roadhead this hot. In the alternate universe where I'm a stripper, this is my signature song.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Things Falling Apart - "Metal"
You know I had a hard time narrowing this lost down to two NIN songs, but this one is so groovy and Gary Numan that I want to gyrate when I hear it, regardless of location.
1. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Live - "The Day the World Went Away"
I geek out so hard for this song. It moves me beyond reason. Reznor has outdone himself here.
Happy Dance
Posted in on by
I got the most pee-your-pants pleasant surprise yesterday! I was in my fancy car, jamming to the new NIN album, when a song I'd never heard before came on that MELTED MY FACE WITH KICK ASSNESS! See, I thought I'd heard the whole thing because I'm a stalker and listened to every song I could get my grubby little hands on, but word, bitches! I dropped the balls on "God Given" somehow!
I'm just screamin', I haven't car danced in about three years, and babies…I boogied like whoa. Any man that can make me do boobie shakes while driving, deserves absolution for getting engaged, underestimating how little the world cares about his political opinions, and being a member of not only AA, but PETA. But in all seriousness, it's really nice to remember why I have always loved Reznor so much. He really is amazing.
So go out to NIN's MySpace profile, unmute your computer, and do the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. I promise it will make you feel like you just banged a team of Sexual Olympics gold medalists.
I'm just screamin', I haven't car danced in about three years, and babies…I boogied like whoa. Any man that can make me do boobie shakes while driving, deserves absolution for getting engaged, underestimating how little the world cares about his political opinions, and being a member of not only AA, but PETA. But in all seriousness, it's really nice to remember why I have always loved Reznor so much. He really is amazing.
So go out to NIN's MySpace profile, unmute your computer, and do the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. I promise it will make you feel like you just banged a team of Sexual Olympics gold medalists.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
