I Sick Myself Out

First, I'd like to point you here for the best analysis of the new Marilyn Manson video:

http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2275

Ok, now that being said…What the fuck is wrong with me? Because somehow, that kind of did it for me. I KNOW! I know. I'm disgusting. They're disgusting! She's a homewrecking skank and he's a nasty, pasty, soulless synthesizer! GRODIE!

Ok, but…I saw him in concert one time and he did this thing with a mic stand that made me make that gross tongue gesture I do whenever I want to gnaw on a hot guy's face. AND…Antichrist Superstar. It rocked!!! Ok, I'm done poorly justifying my total heinousness. I realize that need to be mutilated with a Garden Weasel® and buried in the backyard stat, and will get right on that.

Superstar!!!

It blows my mind that celebrities are so...uh...celebrated. I'm just sayin', what the hell did Britney Spears ever do besides be cute and wiggle, like, 10 years ago? And Lohan?! Since when is snorting blow and smoking more pole than a hippie making bongs out of strip club furniture admirable activity?

I'm not saying I don't enjoy voyeuristically reading up on the gossip, but dude. Shouldn't we be holding the actually valuable members of society up on high? Like what about garbage men? Or peeps in sanitary waste management? Can you imagine what things would be like if we didn't have those cats around? Yeesh!

Some celebs seem much more ok than others, like Alyssa Milano. She's totally the type of chica I could drink beer and talk about boys with. And Joss Stone too. I'd make her do karaoke with me every week at DB's. I would also be friends with Conan O'Brien because don't you know he and his wife are super funny and chill? Also, I'd love to be friends with Justin Timberlake, but only so we could all go dancing with him. Hooray!

Dawn and Dirty

I had a crazy eventful commute this morning. In addition to almost being run off the road by a stupid church bus, I got stuck behind this tool in a hooptie who was driving like, 10 miles under the speed limit and drifting onto the shoulder. I was thinking, dude. It's 8:30 in the goddamn morning! Are you wasted already? (Jealous!!)

Then, I saw an arm magically appear from the depths of the passenger seat to caress his big gross bald head and I went, Then threw rock fingers in appreciation of pre-work road head.

Man, if that's how I rolled, I'd be so much more pleasant and productive. I feel like it should be mandatory, really! Employers really should get on board with this idea...

The Few. The Proud. The Shortcake.

God damn, the military is hardcore. If I weren't such a sick pussy, I would have totally joined the Navy, but I guess all of us secretly would have signed up for some part of the armed forces if we had to.

My dad and I have been watching the Military Channel (I know, we're losers!) and freaking out over this amazing show about Marine recruitment. Lemme tell you somethin'. I would never, ever, want to have a trained Marine after my ass. Sexually or otherwise. Those mother fuckers could gut you like a wide mouth bass before you even realized they were on you, and you know what? That rocks. Loudly.

I wish I was a badass sometimes, but I'm pretty sure it's way more fun to stuff my face with strawberry shortcake and watch other people hammer it out on tv.