Four Peas

Well, the most recent jobby job prospect isn’t working out. Boo friggity hoo. I’ve been in negotiations for like, ever with this new little ad agency in Lenexa that lured me in with the promise of being a writer for their company when they actually were hiring for a sales rep. F-ing liars. But I ended up really grooving on the people as well as the general idea of being employed, so I’ve been trying my damndest to work things out with them.

Thus, I'm sad to report that they just can’t pay me enough. $18,000 a year? *Psht.* I know I'm not exactly loaded, but if I'm going to be making a third of what my peers make, I'd rather work at Wally World for the phatty discount. I mean, where else can you get TP, ammunition, and patio furniture in one stop, ya know? I’m clearly going to have to tell them to stick their minimum wage offer straight up their cheap asses because I would end up pumping every crappy little cent I made straight into the gas tank of The Obscene Green Disco Machine just to get to work and back. There would definitely be no extra cash left over for clothes, apartments, or gigolos.

Besides, I was wiggity way hot for my potential boss, Mr. Gray. I kept drooling during our interviews, lustily thinking about James Spader, who was also Mr. Gray in Secretary. (Coincidence? I think not!) Then I would gratuitously fantasize about after-hours office frolickings that usually involved his desk. As you can see, this would have been extremely bad in frequent bouts because:

A. He would have been my boss…not that it’s ever stopped me before, but
B. He’s married
C. To a fifth degree black belt in Tai Kwon Do

Perhaps it’s for the best that we merrily parted ways. Tee hee! So once again, I hope that you all will keep your rosy little ears to the ground for job openings and that you will consider recommending me for any available positions. Please feel free to tell your employers the following:

“Hey, Mr./Ms. Boss! I heard that the (insert sugarlicious job in which I would clearly be spectacular) is vacant. I have this friend who would be perfect for it! She is wicked hot and really funny and could totally rock your world in the Tenth Position of The Perfumed Garden like nobody’s business! She is a literary genius and brilliant in communication. Plus, if you hire her, I will personally give you some serious oral pleasure!”

Aww! You guys are the best!!!

Time For Class!

I really hate to patronize all of you for the misdeeds of a few, but let’s all please take a moment to review Poetry and Literature 101. Lesson one: when a writer is composing his or her work, they commonly use what we call a persona:

Main Entry: per·so·na
Pronunciation: p&r-'sO-n&, -"nä
Etymology: Latin
1 : a character assumed by an author in a written work

It’s true, babies. Even I use a persona in my literature. Now I’m not lying to you when I write because yes, I hate boys. Yes, I’m vain. Yes, I’m horny. But in my work, I do yield to a little something something we refer to as exaggerating:

Main Entry: ex·ag·ger·ate
Pronunciation: ig-'za-j&-"rAt
Etymology: Latin exaggeratus, past participle of exaggerare, to heap up
1 : to enlarge beyond bounds or the truth

I’m simply amplifying my personality for entertainment purposes and enhancing the terminology to juice up the events of my suck life. Come on, which would you rather hear?

“I need a gigolo.” Or: “I’m lonely. I wish I could be close to someone without all the bullshit that is involved. Gigolo is a funny word. Hee hee!”

See? The latter is so unfunny to the point that it is horribly pathetic. (Don’t you dare tell anyone that I’m actually pathetic or I’ll totally mutilate you.) And I don’t want a pity party here, I want everybody having so much fun that they have to smoke a cigarette after reading The Chronicles. Now you may be asking why I mention the persona, and I am all too happy to tell you every sordid detail. I’ve been getting some rather judgmental comments from some of my darling readers lately. After a particularly saucy post from your Official Goddess of Sugarliciousness, one individual took it upon himself to scold me on my evil ways. Please note that these* are all sent in 20 min. intervals and there were no responses from me in between the final three e-mails:

1: IN WHICH GONAD IS A DICK
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com
Subject: 1
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 08:31:02 -0600

"Trust me Summer, you are just looking in the wrong places. I know you love to dance, but when you think about it guys hate to dance. You might find those goofy ones that are on the dance floor that would rather dance alone because dancing with a girl would just bring them down. They are only out there for one thing. Yep you guessed it. Same reason why they shell out all the bucks for the alcohol. But if thats really what you want, happy hunting. I have known enough girls with that desire that are now desease infested that nobody will touch with a 10-foot pole. Use the hotness for good. Think about giving some of it to charity :). Literally, Charity is nasty looking, she needs it."

2: IN WHICH SUMMER BITES OFF HIS HEAD
From: Summer@IsThisShitForRizzel.com
12/06/04 02:05PM

Finding a man that loves to dance is a real priority for me and it is not up for compromise, Gonad. It's as important to me as sharing religious values is to others. To imply that I'm going to get a disease because I like to share common interests with my partners is rude. I wouldn't assume anything like that about somebody I didn't know.

3: UH OH, NOW GONAD FEELS BAD
From: Gonad@ TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Don't think I was saying that about you Summer. I am saying watch out. You know that as well as I do. I know a lot of guys that are pretty much predators out there. There are guys that just want to go out and have fun. There are other guys that are out there that are out for something more. Trust me. I have friends that are girls that have gotten stuff with guys that they thought were cool and fun. Now they have to tell guys when they are close that they have something and see if the guys stay or run. Don't think I was saying that about you. I am sorry if you did. I know when writing and reading emails it can sound that people are being mean. This is not like that. All I was meaning was that to watch out. Don't settle. It is not my nature to put people down like that. It is my nature to care for people, no matter if I have met them or not. Sorry if I got you mad."

4: GONAD IS FEELING MORE JUSTIFIED
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Ok, think of your true friends. One's that would tell you if you had a bugger hanging out of your nose. Would you really want them to tell you or not? Personally I would. Yes, I do not know you that well. Just what I have read from your emails or your blog. I have asked you if that is you or if you are exaggerating. That is the type of person I am Summer. I will tell you "hey watch out for some sleazy guys." I know you already know that. Just from reading your blog that you sent me it seemed like you weren't going to be picky about the type of guys that you wanted to be with. I read into it too much and I am sorry. I wasn't trying to put you down, at all. Just trying to protect you a bit. I can do that. Now I have a thing about people that I don't think like me or that are mad at me. Even though I feel this was just a misunderstanding I really care about what you think about me and how you feel about what happened. I don't want you to be upset. I would rather you know that you have someone, that you don't even know, haven't even met, care about you. I am genuinely sorry. You might think I believe I am goody two shoes but those guys that I am warning you about I actually have as friends. Not my best friends but are friends nonetheless. I have had friends at XO when I came off the dancefloor that were doing it with girls in the booth, restrooms, hallways. Trust me, I know these guys that I am warning you about. Just don't settle for those guys. I know what diseases that they have. I know how they have given to girls without a care. I also told you that I have seen the other side as well. It is good to have common interests with people that you are friends with and that you are in relationships with. But there are a lot of bad guys at the clubs. Find a good guy where they are more plentiful that also like to dance and then take them to the clubs. Sort of like importing. Again, I am sorry. Just looking out for you."


5: IN WHICH GONAD REVERTS TO 1ST GRADE
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Well I can understand that we don't know each other that well and that if you are mad, you are mad. All I can do now is say that I am sorry. If you don't want to reply to any of these that is fine. Just know that I am a good person and that I can be a good friend. But I understand. I will stop emailing you and stop sending you job postings. I hope that makes it better. Gonad."

Yikes.
As you can see, I am a little worried about y’all reading The Chronicles though I am confidant that most of you dig the intensification of my otherwise naturally dull character. In addition to your collective hotness, I genuinely appreciate your senses of humor.

This now concludes the lesson for today. I hope you all enjoyed it and will please remember for future reference that The Chronicles are meant to be fun, and if mama’s gotta sugar coat some things to make them more interesting, she gonna keep right on doing it because she loves her babies.

*Just in case…anything readers send me regarding The Chronicles is fair game for posting. I think you’re all brilliant and hilarious and I love to quote you...Especially Thi Money. Unless I’m given explicit permission, I will happily disguise the names of those that have been quoted because only I am allowed to stalk you.

Ich Hab' Ein Feuer in Meine Lederhosen

Oooh, Baby! Spray Me With Your Hose Some More!

So I just heard that the Kansas City Fire Department is reading The Chronicles. Please excuse me, but I have go and lie down. I’m sorry, but firemen are so HOT. No pun intended, but seriously, they are universally scorchingly, smoking, wicked flaming hot. Ok, puns totally intended that time. Mwa ha haaa!

So while I was indulging myself in fantasies of making out in slow motion with gorgeous firefighters on top of the truck whilst being sprayed with dew-like water from the fire hose, I realized that I am totally objectifying these poor guys. So I thought, rock on! I should tell them all about it, because really, what man doesn’t want to be validated in knowing that he is the central figure in every woman’s fantasy?

I sent the following to the sexy, gorgeous lady reader of The Chronicles:

Can you please give me your opinion as to why firemen are hot? (Also, policemen, military men, men in uniform in general?) Please respond as soon as possible, and do please respond. Last time I took a poll, like 3 people helped me out. Be a sport. Do your duty to your country. Consider it your Holiday gift to me. Or I could always hunt you down and kill you if you refuse to participate. You know, like boil your rabbits and stuff.

And here were the fabulous responses:

FRIDAY: Because they have big hoses...

KT: I love men in uniforms...they are aware that they are all the same, so they dress like it - that is what is so hot about it.
*It's like shopping for a car that has the ability to give orgasms...Hey, wait a minute...Why don't we have those?*

LIZCAT: I was in a minor car accident a few years ago in Melrose on my way to a club to meet my girls...well it was an 8 car accident and I was the last car, so I was fine. The firefighters and police came...well I started chatting with the firemen and they invited me and my two girlfriends to come hang out at the station. So! We started going to hang out with them every so often and I ended up hooking up with one of them - named Sebastian - we made out in the fire truck and around the fire station.
*I hate you endlessly, Liz. I will forever burn (ha!) with envy.*


C-HO: 1. The most obvious reason....they're wearing a uniform...that you get to take off.
2. They are usually doing a job that is dangerous, and all women love a man of danger
3. They're typically heroes, like my boyfriend! You are proud of them.
4. They're manly men...big muscles that fill out those form fitting uniforms
5. They're not afraid to take control...you know push you around a little bit
6. They push you around a little bit (in the sack) but treat you like a princess.
7. They're manly by day and romantic at night. Men in uniforms are suckers for romance.
8. They know that life is short, and at any moment theirs can be taken from them, so they live life to the fullest and don't care what others think.
9. They're wearing uniforms
10. They wear uniforms.

SALLY: To be honest, I am probably the single oddity out there...who has no interest in The Uniform. The garb seems so stiff and synthetic for the most part...I assume they are sweating like pigs under it all.
*What? You don’t like stiff and sweaty?*

CLAIRE: I believe that it is very primal, and visual. Men in uniform, LOOK like they have it together, like they could go sail you around the world, protect your honour, defend you against marauding... whatevers. They look together, and they look capable (at least of ironing their uniform, which is attractive enough, as men who iron are extremely rare, in my experience!) They also look as if, being an organised and cohesive part of the 'service' they do not come with excess baggage, and therefore are able to transport OTHERS excess (emotional and otherwise!) baggage! How useful, and how attractive!!

I think maybe their willingness to risk their lives to help people -- obvious I know, but I think that women's response to this routinely buff and courageous behavior IS very elemental - they save others, they can save us, right?? Mmm, and who really DOESN'T want to be saved, going right back to our fairy princess fantasies of childhood... So I would love to say, that firemen are hot because we (nobly) respect their integrity, but sadly, this does not seem to be the case... it seems to be the result of something much older and LESS noble (on our part at least) - the homosapien survival urge.
*I can think of a few homosapien urges that I could fulfill with a hottie fireman! *

CEC: I enjoy picking them up in full uniform on the streets of the Plaza.

LINDSAY: Men in uniform in general are good looking because they have an air of authority. Also, who doesn't want to get with someone who carries a firearm and can handcuff you? Yum!
*I know that on more than one occasion,, I've seriously considered deliberately breaking the law just to be handcuffed and reprimanded because I've been a bad bad girl.*

REV.DR. SWEETNESS: Because you know by the uniform that they have a job.

LL: Men in uniform...just the thought makes me drool. The crisp lines of the uniform, police, military, hell, even security guard. They make a man seem instantly taller, sexy, brave, strong, and capable of doing anything you need him to do at anytime. Firemen are their own special breed however. A firemen epitomizes bravery; people tend to run out of burning buildings, not into them. So anyone who would throw himself in harm's way like that, man, get out the smelling salts.

To the uniform; even though it is baggy, that is a good thing. It bulks up anyone wearing it without making him look fat. It makes him look strong and capable. Also, picture in your mind a fireman who has just put out a fire; what do you see? Sweaty, a little oily, streaks of soot here and there. The coat is off and what is left is the just-a-bit grimy white t-shirt and the pants held up by suspenders on a sexy, muscular guy with arms that you want to hold you and a chest made just for resting your head against. Tasty, huh??
*Indeed, my dear. I am now drooling all over my keyboard and will likely die of electrical shock. Oooh! It might start a fire though, and Station 33 will have to book it over here to save me. Hooray!*

SMITHY: Weapons. I sure wish I had a gun right now.

MER: Back in the good 'ole days of cave people, the man was bigger, stronger, tougher. He protected the clan from mammoths, saber tooth tigers and dinosaurs. (Well, ok, I know dinos were extinct by this time, but in the movies they always show cave men fighting them) Move up many, many, many years later to now. We have sissy men, metrosexuals, and so on. These men can't seem to protect themselves from a tiny little spider, let alone protect his woman from a mammoth. So when a big strong guy walks by proudly displaying the fact that he is ever so willing to put his life on the line for another, women go ape-shit. Not to mention the fact that men dressed up (this can range from tuxedos to uniforms) are just damn sexy.

But I do think a good part of it, at least for myself, is the fact that I want to be protected...it is a good feeling to be wrapped in big arms, arms you know would beat the living shit out of anything or anyone that threatens you. I'm not saying I condone violence and want my man to pound anyone that even looks at him or me wrong, but it is just nice to know that he could and he would.

LUVA: They look all clean cut in their uniforms. Very masculine looking too…Saving the damsel in distress.

THI MONEY: A man with a big hose is hot. A man who can throw you across the room like a scrunchie is hot too. A man that can save you from any of the following is hot:
-Car jackings
-Burning Buildings
-Osama Bin Laden
-Sadam Hussein

HIL: Because they are a good mix of strong and sensitive. See, they have to be brave to be in such a position (to run into a burning building, to chase down a suspect, etc) but yet with a lot of those responsibilities seems to come some sort of compassionate nature. You know, they save old ladies and babies from fires, and help keep the kids safe and stuff like that. Its hard to find that kind of a balance in a man, because you don't want a sissy and you don't want some jerk, so when you see a man in uniform this connotation of strong and sensitive pops into your mind and that is SEXY.

TERESE: Firemen are hot because they rescue people, slide down poles, and can look like this picture: www.minibite.com/funstuff/fireman.htm
In general, men in uniform make us feel protected. They are masculine and notafraid to take risks, what woman would not want one? They are not sissy, pussyboys that are scared of the back yard, the are REAL MEN. *I heart you, Terese, and your delicious pornography!*


So in conclusion, GRRR! And truly, we love firefighters for more than just their hotness. These people work an extremely demanding job for not a lot of bones. It really does take a bad ass to bust into a burning building/stop burning brush/pry someone from their horrific car crash/put someone else before themselves. So cheers to uniforms!

Give Mama Some Sugar

Ok. I think I’ve figured out the solution to all my problems...I need a gigolo. Wait! Bear with me. Let’s look at this logically and reasonably:

First of all, I am objectively hot. Ok, so that has nothing to do with this situation whatsoever, but I only have a couple of good things going for me right now so I’ve got to capitalize on the shit that's actually working. So there.

Second, I’m losing my total mole! This is way beyond stroking the wooden handle of Ye Olde Renaissance Festival Hottie's goods at the sword shop. Seriously, I'm so desperate that I'm way beyond wanting to slum. I'm like face down, thrashing around and licking the bottom of barrel here. At this point, I am fully prepared to shell out for some sugar if it will increase the quality of my prospects. Please God, let them accept Discover.

And finally, I don’t have time to talk to stupid boys and get to know them and pretend to care about their gay feelings. I just need some action here, folks! As you may know, I am officially a tortured musician, so I don’t have time for flowery romantic happiness crap. In fact, the more angst ridden and excruciating the purely sex-driven relationship is, the better! More angry songs! Hooray!

Since we already know and agree that I am the Godfather of hotness (except that I am not a dude, nor do I speak with an unusual speech impediment...and I don't whack people either, just unspeakable trolliness) we can move on to the sad ways in which I am spinning out of control. I swear sweetie pies, it’s getting to the point where I can smell hot guys before I see them. My crew can vouch for me when I say that we’ll be out boozing when suddenly, my nostrils flare and I start growling like a wild boar whilst making rude tongue gestures at the subjects of good-smelliness. I miss whole chunks of totally crucial conversations, like, "I've got some bark on my tongue, could you brush it off for me?"

It's even escalated to the point where I do it when I'm by myself. For instance, yesterday, I was driving along and rocking out to some serious Zombie "Thunderkiss '65" when I nearly skidded off the road drooling out the window. I’m ashamed to admit that it was little high school track boys running like youthful gods on Ward Parkway. Their virgin bodies…glistening. And those tiny shorts. Riding up higher and higher with every stride of their taught, meaty legs. Alone in my car, I screamed, “That’s right, babies! Let mama show you what a real woman looks like!!!”

Help me. Please. Somebody.