Considerate Crapping

The more I’m around people, the more I’m concerned that I’m antisocial. It’s either that, or I’m completely superior to those around me, which, after consulting my ass, is clearly the case. I just feel like I’m in constant battle with bitches everywhere I go over things that I consider to be common social courtesies.

For instance: the shitter. Evidently, it is not common knowledge that when someone is already in the can upon your arrival, that it is polite to forgo your favorite stall and instead choose the one farthest from the person who’s already marked their toilet territory. I’m just sayin’, nobody wants your weird nosy ass dropping trowel next to them if you have the choice to be an extra six feet away. It just makes you seem weird, like you sniff people’s butts or something. Gross.

Also inappropriate, is chatting while shatting. Cereal not cool, y’all. Or even chatting in the batroom for any length of time when someone else is in there trying to drop a deuce. Take it outside, for the love of christ! And dude, just in case you are this kind of dirty sac, never ever call someone out when they're in a stall. Swear to god, I was in the far away throne, laying some Tetris, when some chick like, peeked under a stall and shoe snooped, then actually said to the woman in there, “Stephanie! Is that you?!” While poor Stephanie is awkwardly trying to muffle the post piss farts. I would mutilate a bitch with a toilet paper tube if that happened to me.

I don’t think I’m being extreme here, unlike this chick the other day, who upon realizing that I too was headed for the bathroom, turned and looked at me in horror. HORROR, people. Like I had just spun my head around and a tentacle shot out of my bellybutton and was suckering her face. It was righteous! She got her little potty paper and sat there for a long time in silence trying to pee. Ultimately, she couldn’t do it, even though I bailed for the stall farthest from her, but at least I tried to be privy polite. I just want those around me to do the same.