On a Steel Horse I Ride...

Happy Birthdaaaaaaay to me! Oh, kids! What a time we had! Sorry there’s not more pictures, but as we were partying at a titty bar, we couldn’t exactly bring our cameras in. We went to The Show, which I highly recommend, and I got several VIP dances from a dancer named Burgundy, who I MOST highly recommend. Swear to God, people...she gives the meanest lap dance in the Northern Hemisphere! I got the *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* straight into the crizotch. Fabulous! And some rich guy offered me $50 to give her a lap dance, so I’m like, do I have to take my top off? Fortunately for my hugely padded bra and the poor stripper, I did not have to remove my clothing, so I went for it under the stipulation that he’d give her the money ‘cause, you know, I'm big pimpin' and all bling bling and shit.

We shut the night down at The Polka Dot, where I was so hammered that LL was literally holding me up. Some of it’s a bit hazy, but I do remember shrieking out “Dead or Alive” at full volume and let me tell you, I am one loud bitch. Then I had some hideously vulgar conversation (per usual) about vaginal orgasms. Not sure I won that argument, but I tried damn it.

Then Saturday, we went to J-Lou’s birthday celebration with had a 70’s theme and kick ass karaoke. God, I love karaoke! I sang “Let’s Stay Together,” which is my new official favorite karaoke tune, and apparently, I won the contest, which I didn’t even know there was one, but hey! They told me on my way out and I was so stoked! So hooray for me ‘cause I’m clearly a total rock star and you all want to have hot sex with me.

J-Lou and company proceeded onto the local lesbian bar, but we’d had our gay-fix from the night before with the *brrrrrrrrrrrrrs* and our darling Vicki was awesomely drunk, so we cruised out, much to my Inner Lesbian’s dismay. I like to call her Tina. And she’s actually a drag queen. And she talks really low and wears lots of lip liner. Tiiiina. (And she loves ham.)