List 'O Fundamental Qualities

Last week, I mentioned the "List 'O Fundamental Qualities My Man Must Possess or He Ain't Getting' Any." One reader posed the brilliant question which asked what was on said list. Usually, I try to make the Chronicles as universal as I can. I send this to a lot of boys and want them to be able to relate to the situations as well. I’m pretty sure we all have at least one quality about our prospective partner on our lists, and they are likely very different from somebody else’s idea of what is fundamental, especially the heterosexual male’s list. So this week, I hope that you darling boys will bear with me and make some attempt to switch the gender roles around to accommodate you while giggling at the thought of wanting a woman who loves your inner thighs. At least perversely enjoy it like you know you secretly would enjoy reading a Cosmo. You sickos.

I have to admit that a large part of my list is comprised of shitty lessons that I have learned from ex boyfriends dicking me over. It’s usually only then that I realize that I hated having to mother him because he was such a sick pussy that he couldn’t clean out his closet for 15 years and I finally had to help him do it, thereby discovering hideously terrifying mesh sequiny rave shirts with sparkling flames circa 1990. I mean, Jesus! Take some fucking initiative and take care of your personal space! It’s one thing to hang on to an old pair of boots because you really love them, but an entire closet full of shit that makes you look like a flaming homo? Have some pride in your apartment and in your appearance!

So the first few things that are on my personal list are likely the same as everyone else’s: intelligent, good sense of humor, attractive, good in bed. Although I have installed a loophole clause to allow me to rip the clothing off of stupid hot guys who never laugh. But you get the gist. A fundamental relationship isn’t going to go well if he’s so retarded that you constantly have to explain the definitions of words that are a normal part of your lexicon. I once had to define labyrinth to a guy. HELLO! Labyrinth is my favorite movie! Did he not grow up in the 80’s? See? It would have never worked out for obvious reasons.

I also have to be able to trust a man. I mean completely. Again, I learned this lesson the hard way with a total Douche Bag ex who cheated on me with his downstairs neighbor that resembled a Mack truck/large quarterback with enormous breasts and very unclean hair. Unfortunately for me, I thought I could trust him implicitly at the time, so I’m not sure how to go about determining whether or not I can really trust a guy. They can turn on you in an instant, like a rabid baboon. I think they don’t actually turn in that exact moment, but they sure as hell don’t bother to communicate with you about their progressive turn, so it hits you like a shot in the chest. I’d prefer to be told, in the cruelest of terms, that I am no longer desirable and that he’d rather fuck his entire family under the Christmas tree rather than be caught dead in the same room with me ever again as opposed to being cheated on.

Some other fundamental qualities for me are that he must like my family, and if possible, come from a similar background. I’m not saying we have to be Ken and Barbie Twinkies, but it would be nice to have common experiences from which we learned comparable values etc. Blah blah blah. He also must be a good dancer, which goes hand in hand with him loving music. Hopefully, he will be Johnny Castle. I want to be spun around the dance floor, told that nobody puts me in the corner, and totally publicly seduced. That’s what good dancing is: public seduction. I want a guy with killer moves to back me up against a wall in a crowded bar and with the fluid, artful movement of legs, hips, and hands, bring me to near climax. Is that really asking for so much? I’m a dancer. I need someone who can keep up. Otherwise, I’ll be grinding on other peeps for the rest of my life because I refuse to give up booty dancing.

He’s also got to take serious pride in himself. He’s got to have goals and dreams that he is passionate about. I tend to pick these wimpy guys who seem strong at first, then crumble to pussy dust before me. Their life becomes my life. Their dreams become exclusively about me. And while that’s flattering and all, I push them around a little. I’ll admit it. I really don’t do it to get the power though. I’d like to have my way two out of three times, but what happens is that they give me my way all the time. Then I become a tyrant who is evil and dominates them. All I really want is for a guy to stand up to me and encourage me to respect him. Granted, I am the princess who deserves everything I ask for, but he should have the balls to tell me to value his opinion on the matter. Then we can have hot B&D sex where he ties me up and spanks me because I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

So, in conclusion, we have to be able to communicate well, trust each other, dance like Richard and J.LO, and cultivate mutual respect. It would also be nice if he was a feminist, loved Nine Inch Nails, was in Nine Inch Nails, was named Trent, and loved cats. I asked the countless lovely ladies who read The Chronicles to tell us what was on their lists, and the three of them that responded included the following:

Good teeth (sounds simple but a good grill can make a world of difference)

Beautiful eyes (my favorite are blue eyes w/black hair) but not a must to have blue

Must be thick (I don't like these scrawny, wash board stomach guys) yeah they're nice to look at but if I can squash them in bed, it's just not attractive

Gentle touch (you can be a big, rough football player & still have a gentle touch when it comes to women. Personally, guitar players have the best hands! *

Likes to cuddle (yes, I'm one of those that likes to cuddle)

Someone who thinks farting is funny

Completely focused on my goals and willing to make my desires #1

Adores the part of my body I hate the most. E.g. I hate my inner thighs, but Consuelo** swears he loves them.

He must read me really well. If I am lonely, he must drop everything to occupy me. But if I’m busy or distracted, he must find something to do immediately. And, he must be willing to flip between the two as often as every 5 minutes

He must get me because I'm a little odd and proud of it!

He has to adore my pussies (Oliver and Elliott of course)

He must get along with my dad and brothers. He must let them make fun of him mercilessly, and then he can give it back to them 4 fold!!

He must care about my friends. They are a huge part of my life!

He must make me feel like a goddess, but when he doesn't agree with my ramblings at times, I love to hear about it. There is nothing sexier than a guy with an intelligent, though provoking opinion

Two words: James Spader

*and the best cheaters!!! It's like getting a free coupon!

**names have been changed to make me laugh because Consuelo is a funny name. Whee!