Mill the Tread

At work, we did this fun little project where we made slides with silly pictures and bullet points about ourselves so that the remote branches of our company can get to know us a bit. I was epically proud of mine:

However, in the process of making it, I had to scroll through like 50 pictures of myself (that were all totally work-inappropriate...typical) and came across this one from a few years ago when I was running every day and I was like, SHIT:

I need to get back on the motherfucking treadmill.

Now I realize that I was 24 and that it is, in fact, an exceptionally flattering pic, but crap! My calves look killer. So killer that one time, some ass-stain once posted a MySpace comment on it that really speaks for itself:

I mean what the shit, right?! You tryin' to say you think I don't look GOOD in person, cocksucker? JESUS FUCK. I've fucking seen YOU several times, tea bag, and I must say...you always look like a baby rapist!

Ah, but I digress! I'm back to running, bitches, so look for my hawt calves again soon, in photo and irl, for they are germinating!

Shut the Fuck Up

So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:

A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend

I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,

“!!!”

“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.

Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.

Summie likey.

Loltallica

Love and Shooshting in an Elevator

Wow. I’m clearly all pent up. Some terrible elevator love scene totally just got me all percolated on the couch. And dude, it was on the most inappropriate tv show to get worked up about possible. I don’t even want to tell you because it’s too mortifying.

...

It was CSI!

I am shamed.

But hear me out!! It was some scorchingly hot, rich ass silver fox in an elevator with a younger chica, and he looks at her for a minute, then grabs her and totally kisses her, which she’s like wtf at first, then gets into it because he’s smokin’. Then the elevator door opens and he gets shot.

It’s so unfair! Why doesn’t random shit like that ever happen to me? Not the shooting part. Just the hot accidental sexual encounter part. I guess it’s because that’s probably a good way to get The HIV and/or mutilated by a stranger, but it sure looks like fun when you’re on day four of the flu and watching bad tv!

Oh, shitcicles, I’m turning into the little old lady who gets all juiced up on Harlequin Romance novels already!