So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:
A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend
I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,
“!!!”
“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.
Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.
Summie likey.
Love and Shooshting in an Elevator
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Wow. I’m clearly all pent up. Some terrible elevator love scene totally just got me all percolated on the couch. And dude, it was on the most inappropriate tv show to get worked up about possible. I don’t even want to tell you because it’s too mortifying.
...
It was CSI!
I am shamed.
But hear me out!! It was some scorchingly hot, rich ass silver fox in an elevator with a younger chica, and he looks at her for a minute, then grabs her and totally kisses her, which she’s like wtf at first, then gets into it because he’s smokin’. Then the elevator door opens and he gets shot.
It’s so unfair! Why doesn’t random shit like that ever happen to me? Not the shooting part. Just the hot accidental sexual encounter part. I guess it’s because that’s probably a good way to get The HIV and/or mutilated by a stranger, but it sure looks like fun when you’re on day four of the flu and watching bad tv!
Oh, shitcicles, I’m turning into the little old lady who gets all juiced up on Harlequin Romance novels already!
...
It was CSI!
I am shamed.
But hear me out!! It was some scorchingly hot, rich ass silver fox in an elevator with a younger chica, and he looks at her for a minute, then grabs her and totally kisses her, which she’s like wtf at first, then gets into it because he’s smokin’. Then the elevator door opens and he gets shot.
It’s so unfair! Why doesn’t random shit like that ever happen to me? Not the shooting part. Just the hot accidental sexual encounter part. I guess it’s because that’s probably a good way to get The HIV and/or mutilated by a stranger, but it sure looks like fun when you’re on day four of the flu and watching bad tv!
Oh, shitcicles, I’m turning into the little old lady who gets all juiced up on Harlequin Romance novels already!
RezNOr
Posted in on by
I had a date with Mr. Reznor. Who wants to touch me? No, but really Lizzard, Nelle, and I went to see NIN in Columbia (Mizzou, whewt!) and we had killer seats right by the stage and danced like whore bags. He totally looked right at me and I was all, “Psssshhht! WhatevAR! You WISH you could have this!” And I’m sure he does, because shit, bitch! He legitimately can’t have this!
What’s funny is that ten years ago, I would have likely punched myself in the uterus in an effort to abort any hypothetical fetuses that might have been growing there to clear the way to bear Reznor’s child. And had you told me that I’d ever think otherwise, I would have laughed in your face and been a huge asshole about it. Lol, cuz I’ve always been such a nice person and all.
So, I guess Trent is still technically on My Freebie List, but seriously, do you know how many skanks he’s put the naughty on over the years? I think Ronald put it best when he said, “I bet his girlfriend has to fuck him up the ass with a strap-on to get him off because there’s so much shit growing on his dick, he can’t get it up anymore.” Indeed.
And dude, let’s not forget that he’s short. And has inferior genes due to his depressos/addiction/small nostrils. And he’s in PETA. OMG, and AA! I can’t roll with a guy who can’t hold his booze! It’s so not hawt.
It’s amazing how clear this shit becomes when you get older, wiser, and find a brilliant, hilarious, and fanfuckingtastic man, ain't it?
What’s funny is that ten years ago, I would have likely punched myself in the uterus in an effort to abort any hypothetical fetuses that might have been growing there to clear the way to bear Reznor’s child. And had you told me that I’d ever think otherwise, I would have laughed in your face and been a huge asshole about it. Lol, cuz I’ve always been such a nice person and all.
So, I guess Trent is still technically on My Freebie List, but seriously, do you know how many skanks he’s put the naughty on over the years? I think Ronald put it best when he said, “I bet his girlfriend has to fuck him up the ass with a strap-on to get him off because there’s so much shit growing on his dick, he can’t get it up anymore.” Indeed.
And dude, let’s not forget that he’s short. And has inferior genes due to his depressos/addiction/small nostrils. And he’s in PETA. OMG, and AA! I can’t roll with a guy who can’t hold his booze! It’s so not hawt.
It’s amazing how clear this shit becomes when you get older, wiser, and find a brilliant, hilarious, and fanfuckingtastic man, ain't it?
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