Worst Celebrity News EvAR!

So yeah, I know this happened like weeks ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to wrench myself away from the pile of blankets and Oreo crumbs that I've been festering in to address the terrible news.

Trent Reznor is engaged to someone that’s not me. /cry

I mean, what; did he not know how lucky he was to get to sit around being my backup plan?! What the fuckity fuck? Our children would have been so adorable and angsty with large nostrils! But alas, it’s clear to me that is, in fact, gay city for he is marrying a tranny. Behold:

I mean, the word queen is in her name. It’s like, sweetie, don‘t put your job title that far up 'cuz you ain’t even THAT good of a cross-dresser. I have seen prettier drag queens with 5 o’clock shadows. But I guess she’s ok if you’re into The (post-op) Grudge. None of which appears to be a very good influence on El Rezbo being as he is looks a bit like the demon spawn of Joey Buttafuco and Gene Simmons:

Oh well…And all that could have been, I suppose. Sans keloid scars, of course.

Mill the Tread

At work, we did this fun little project where we made slides with silly pictures and bullet points about ourselves so that the remote branches of our company can get to know us a bit. I was epically proud of mine:

However, in the process of making it, I had to scroll through like 50 pictures of myself (that were all totally work-inappropriate...typical) and came across this one from a few years ago when I was running every day and I was like, SHIT:

I need to get back on the motherfucking treadmill.

Now I realize that I was 24 and that it is, in fact, an exceptionally flattering pic, but crap! My calves look killer. So killer that one time, some ass-stain once posted a MySpace comment on it that really speaks for itself:

I mean what the shit, right?! You tryin' to say you think I don't look GOOD in person, cocksucker? JESUS FUCK. I've fucking seen YOU several times, tea bag, and I must say...you always look like a baby rapist!

Ah, but I digress! I'm back to running, bitches, so look for my hawt calves again soon, in photo and irl, for they are germinating!

Shut the Fuck Up

So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:

A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend

I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,

“!!!”

“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.

Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.

Summie likey.

Loltallica