SNTYAL

Word, bitches. So I did it. I finally got LASIK. And you know what? It sucked major cornhole. It was scary, hideous, and totally shatastic. The only reason I’m so crabby about it is that I asked a solid 20 people about their LASIK surgery, and they all said the same damn thing:

“Omg, it was SO awesome! It was over in like 4 seconds and I could see everything clearly when I sat up! I could even read my alarm clock for the first time in years. Also, my sex life is better than yours, and my hairstyle makes yours look like rat shit on a plate!”
Right, so thus I’m here to tell you what it’s really like in a brief piece called…
Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK:

1. It hurts like a mofo.
Yeah, yeah, they give you a Valium, and yeah they drop shit in your eyes to numb them, but first, they use some instrument to pressurize your fucking eye. YES. And it HURTS. And your vision fades to black. Then, panic ensues. It was at this point in which I completely wigged out and tried to run away. They held me down though, so at least I got it finished.

2. Everyone can watch your procedure.
Uh huh. Like when you shriek and thrash and attempt to flee, your mom is standing out there trying to take video of it and laughing.

3. You totally can’t see for like, evAR.
I’m not bitching tooooo much because I went from 20/800 to 20/40, but as far as being miraculously able to see everything right away? Not so much. I’m still farsighted at the moment, which makes working at a computer all day oodles of fun. It’s better every day and supposedly will continue to imporve, but still wicked on the headache factor.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK. Stay tuned as I heal up and find out more exciting heinousness.

Eye Socket to Me!

Well, I had the LASIK consultation. I busted in, took out my contacts, and stumbled around trying not to run screaming out of there while they probed me and scared the living tits out of me (a difficult feat, being as I have none) by telling me all the gory details about the surgery. Then they showed me a video. Cuz you know, nothing makes you want to sign up to have your eyes sliced open than a graphic documentary of someone else’s gooey, sick, gelatinous cornea being zapped.

I sat there in a tightly coiled ball, ready to spring from the chair, straight out the window until I met The Coolest Nurse EvAR who totally talked me off the ledge. She told me about how I would feel during the procedure, which is what I needed to know, because the hideous part for me is not the minimal chance of a complication, but having my eyelids propped open with like, toothpicks and staying conscious while bitches are cutting on my eyes.

Anyway, she helped me picture what how it was gonna go down, and kindly informed me that I would be given a Valium. From what I hear, after I pop that bad boy, I won’t give a flying shit through a rolling doughnut about what they do to my eyeballs. Whee!

Hooray for Elective Surgery!

My eyeballs are ruining my life. I'm so tired of dicking around with correcting my shitty vision. I've worn glasses since I was in 2nd grade and contacts since I was in 6th. I think I deserve a fricking break here.

The catalyst was taking my glasses to the eye docta to have them bent back into shape after a drunken smashing accident, and of course, the minute I got home and put them on, they snapped right in fucking half. (Um, and what's up with things exploding upon my person as soon as I try to wear them? I'm secretly concerned that it could be my hawtness that causes items that would normally cover my beauteous features to burst…)

I don't know. Maybe this is my sign to throw my nuts onto the table and go get LASIK. I'm just scared because while contacts suck more balls than Sienna Miller, they sure beat being completely blind or having gross halos everywhere. And plus, there is still the whole apocalypse thing. When that shit goes down, I'm hosed and essentially blind. Even in the short-term, if someone broke into my house to mutilate me, I couldn't see to kill them in the face/run away. And I guess if I did go completely blind, it wouldn't be all bad 'cuz I could just drape myself in velvet and not give a shit.

What do you think?

When the Annihilatrix Booshes the World

I have recently found myself thinking about the apocalypse…with eager glee. Like, wouldn't it be great for humanity to be thinned out a little? Just the idiots who rape babies, act like ignorant dickholes in movie theaters, and otherwise fail to function in civilized society. I blame Max Brooks for my current obsession with this subject, but I also terrorist fist bump him for bringing it up because it's always good to be prepared, right?

Prior to the day of reckoning (provided that the planet is still inhabitable etc. etc.), I've decided that I need to get the following shit together:

1.) Learn how to use a gun without accidentally killing Dan in the face

2.) Learn to make my own beer

3.) Get a cat carrier like the ones you strap to your chest and put babies in (cuz NO, I'm not leaving Burtie behind)

4.) Get Lasik, or else like I'm really toast

5.) Learn to make/collect clean water

6.) Memorize the local terrain so I can get to safety (i.e. Ronald and DaNelle's cuz you know those bitches will pwn Judgment Day, then produce beautiful spawn which will lead collective humanity back to some semblance of order someday)

7.) Get a serious survival kit

8.) Cultivate a useful trade for post-apocalyptic society, cuz while I am indeed a brilliant tech writer, I don't foresee the need for software manuals so much as like food and shelter

What kinds of end-of-the-world-trade are you hos going to pursue?