My weekend was a sea of bad hair, lukewarm beer, and badass shows.
I present to you:
Summie’s KickMore Ass than a Ninja Cage Fighter on Roids Weekend: The Vicarious Edition
Friday, Lizzard and I were The Only Adults Sans Children to attend Walking with Dinosaurs. And of course, we were half lit and cussing like whoa, so I’m sure we taught some chitlins a few new words. Hee hee.
Then we finished our night basking in the lounge glory that is Al Lotta and his unbelievable toupee.
Saturday, Nellorz and I got our faces rawked off by Scott “Oh My God, so Fricking HOT” Weiland at Rockfest. Even though, you know, he’s gonna die like any minute what with the heroin addiction and all. BUT, Stone Temple Pilots was absolutely amazing and we danced and screamed and jumped around, and I even peed myself a little (just a LITTLE) when they played Down. MONEY!
I couldn’t secure any video of the mullets and grotesque sunburns we saw everywhere, but I can assure you that you never ever want to see the tan lines of a white trash dude’s wife beater after he’s taken it off too late and thus overemphasized his man nips with their stank white contrast. So, uh. You’re welcome.
People are Stupid
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I’ve been meaning to blog about this for like evAR, but I’m entirely too busy and important to keep up with my offensive commentary on current events (read: playing World of Warcraft.) Anywho, let’s talk about this guy.
First of all, what do you MEAN nobody suspected that this asshat was a psychotic, incestuous, freak of a rapist? Every motherfucker that does creepy shit like that looks exactly like this guy:
Crazy pube hair? Check. Dead-terrifying-shark-eyes? Check. Child molester facial hair? Check! How the ass did you not see this coming?! Just looking at his picture makes me feel carsick because I can tell he’s a perv! Can you imagine living next to him, or worse…MARRYING him?!
Which leads me to my second incredulity; do you really expect me to believe that you had no idea that this sick asshole had a dungeon? What, he tells you not to go to the basement and so you just like, don’t? Dude, if my hubby told me to stay out of the basement, the first thing I’d do is to go straight downstairs and see what the hell he’s hiding. But then again, I would never marry a dude who has the whole Manson/bin Laden/Ramirez look in their eye because nothing good can come from that. Ever.
And I don’t want to be a huge dick here, but like if I were trapped in a dungeon for 24 years, and my dad was raping me, leaving me with his demon spawn, and threatening me with death if I try to escape…I’d rather go down in a blaze of glory. And yes, you’re right that she has had an entirely different experience than me and is probably fucked up beyond imagination, but I like to think that people have enough nature to overcome nurture and do what’s right. And sometimes that might mean killing the bastard that locks you in a dungeon and rapes you a lot.
And to cleanse the palate of such unpleasantness I bring you a fitting Craption:
First of all, what do you MEAN nobody suspected that this asshat was a psychotic, incestuous, freak of a rapist? Every motherfucker that does creepy shit like that looks exactly like this guy:
Crazy pube hair? Check. Dead-terrifying-shark-eyes? Check. Child molester facial hair? Check! How the ass did you not see this coming?! Just looking at his picture makes me feel carsick because I can tell he’s a perv! Can you imagine living next to him, or worse…MARRYING him?!
Which leads me to my second incredulity; do you really expect me to believe that you had no idea that this sick asshole had a dungeon? What, he tells you not to go to the basement and so you just like, don’t? Dude, if my hubby told me to stay out of the basement, the first thing I’d do is to go straight downstairs and see what the hell he’s hiding. But then again, I would never marry a dude who has the whole Manson/bin Laden/Ramirez look in their eye because nothing good can come from that. Ever.
And I don’t want to be a huge dick here, but like if I were trapped in a dungeon for 24 years, and my dad was raping me, leaving me with his demon spawn, and threatening me with death if I try to escape…I’d rather go down in a blaze of glory. And yes, you’re right that she has had an entirely different experience than me and is probably fucked up beyond imagination, but I like to think that people have enough nature to overcome nurture and do what’s right. And sometimes that might mean killing the bastard that locks you in a dungeon and rapes you a lot.
And to cleanse the palate of such unpleasantness I bring you a fitting Craption:
Letters of Angst: Part Flour
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Dear Heinous Virtual Coworker,
I totally hate your ass face. Thanks a lot for doing a shitty job of communicating what it is that you need done, then publicly blaming me for fucking it up to everyone and their fricking mother's dog's gay boyfriend. Just seriously learn how to do your job, m'kay? Fill out the request like a big boy, print it off, roll it up, and then you can shove it up your ass.
Sincerely,
Summie
P.S. You suck ballz
Dear Aging,
Fuck you, dude. You are terrible! I used to be able to go out for happy hour and enjoy a cold beer or three without getting so shit-faced that I eat an entire frozen pizza then promptly barf it up. I also used to be able to walk up two flights of stairs without gasping for breath like the god damn fish from the Epic video. And wtf is this with the crows feet shit? God, I hate you.
Kisses,
Summie
Dear Knockout Boy,
You were truly every woman's dream at roller derby on Saturday. Shirtless, beautiful, supporting your kick ass team, and carrying a BABY. And not just any baby, but an adorable one who was dressed as a roller girl and had her own derby name: P-Nut. My uterus is screaming right now.
Love it,
Summie
I totally hate your ass face. Thanks a lot for doing a shitty job of communicating what it is that you need done, then publicly blaming me for fucking it up to everyone and their fricking mother's dog's gay boyfriend. Just seriously learn how to do your job, m'kay? Fill out the request like a big boy, print it off, roll it up, and then you can shove it up your ass.
Sincerely,
Summie
P.S. You suck ballz
Dear Aging,
Fuck you, dude. You are terrible! I used to be able to go out for happy hour and enjoy a cold beer or three without getting so shit-faced that I eat an entire frozen pizza then promptly barf it up. I also used to be able to walk up two flights of stairs without gasping for breath like the god damn fish from the Epic video. And wtf is this with the crows feet shit? God, I hate you.
Kisses,
Summie
Dear Knockout Boy,
You were truly every woman's dream at roller derby on Saturday. Shirtless, beautiful, supporting your kick ass team, and carrying a BABY. And not just any baby, but an adorable one who was dressed as a roller girl and had her own derby name: P-Nut. My uterus is screaming right now.
Love it,
Summie
Who Effing Knew?
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So like, I'm always jealous of peeps that share birthdays with awesome famous people. Namely, Lizzard. Not only is her birthday on 4/20, but she shares it with Hitler and gets to have cute shit like this from MySpace Awards Center:
Well, I just randomly came across a list of famous skanks that were born on March 31st, and I'm sorry to tell you, but it pwns. Guess who was a 3/31 baby...
Christopher Motherfucking Walken, bitches.
HAHA!! I'm so triumphant right now! I finally have a cool one! For like, 27 years, I thought the only pseudo-celeb b-day I had was Rhea Pearlman and like who the crap cares? But now. Now. I am SO stoked to share a birfday with Walken, and other badass shawtys like Ewan McGregor, Al Gore, Cesar Shavez, and Rene Descartes.
Care to share your birthday notables?
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