Bronze Tongued

Why is it that you only think of something badass to say after someone gets in your face?! Today, my bastard neighbor confronted me in the driveway to ask if I was mad at them. You know, cuz we’re in sixth grade, evidently.

Then he proceeded to spin some bullshit story about how it wasn’t them that yelled at me, but the across the street neighbor. Right…like I can’t remember the douche that slammed a door in my face. I just wish so badly that I hadn’t dorked out and been all, "oh, hi, um hum hum hum!" And instead said something cool like:

Wow. It only took your fat ass three months to finally sac up and say something to me?

Dude, I’m blonde, not blind.

Oh, I’m not mad. I just mutilated your dogs out of neighborly love.

I’d rather get fucked up the ass with my own cat than have this conversation.

Hmm, I think I hear something. Is that…is that a dick dribbling I hear? Why yes! Yes, it is!

Hey, aren’t you that guy that made that Bowling for Columbine movie?

HELP! HELP!! *runs away*

Even if I believed the bold faced lie that it wasn’t you guys, why would I ever be cool with people that stood by and watched a man harass a couple of girls without intervening?

Have we met?

I once killed a man who looked exactly like you.

The real question here, bitch tits, is if my friend Ronald is mad at you...

Is that vagina mayonnaise I smell? You should really wash your cooch.

What wicked stuff would you bitches have said?

Letters of Gangst

Dear Winter,
Shut the fuck up. You’re terrible and I wish you to go away and never come back. Until X-mas eve…then you can snow and be pretty, but come December 26th, begone!
Frozen tits,
Summie

Dear Job,
Oh my GOD I hate you so much. I often wish I could choose between being slowly tortured by Katan dolls and attending nine hours of useless boredom where I try not to gouge out my eyes just to have something to do. I can’t wait to give you the finger, you stupid skank!
Yawns,
Summie

Dear Jake,
Dude, you just seriously gave birth to the most adorable baby girl EVER. She’s fricking precious and beautiful and now I totally want one. Like,OMG BAD. But in a good way. Cuz I’m totally gonna get married first so I can get trashed at my future wedding someday. Anywho, I’m for realz stoked for you and just want to single-white-female you even more with the newest Preu addition.
Uterus aches,
Summie

I So Wish My Job Was Doing This All Day

God, I love superimposing people into pictures!

Letters of Angst

Dear Corporate Properties Department,
Hi. So I know you’re all a bunch of dudes, and rarely have an occasion to come into the ladies’ room (except for those times that I’m sure y’all have to come in to like, change the camera angles) and so you don’t probably realize how motherfucking cold it is in there. Allow me to illuminate you. When I need to drop a deuce, the last thing I want to worry about is getting frostbite on my ass cheeks. It’s the middle of winter for clit’s sake! Turn the air conditioning off already!
Freezer burn,
Summie

Dear Dan,
You are so hot, it hurts me. That being said, you know how we have a dishwasher? Yeah, I know! Modern technology truly is amazing! However, there are still advances to be made in the field of automatic dishwasher engineering. For instance, there is currently no feature that levitates the gross dirty dish that you just set on the counter, like four inches above it, into the rack. So please, throw mama a frickin’ bone here and load the damn dishwasher, baby.
Domestic violence,
Summie

Dear Belly Button Piercing,
Screw you. You were a terrible idea and now I’m totally fucked on taking the ring out because you left such a disgusting scar. It for realz looks like I have two bellybuttons. You can suck my balls for being legal to do at the tender age of 18. Don’t you know that 18 year olds are retards and have no business making body-altering decisions.
Hole punches,
Summie