Blechhh!!

GROSS! Sick sick sick!



This makes me want to barf up a teaspoon of burning bile into my own mouth to scald out the shame. Seriously, y’all; why is it that only hideous celebrities make sex tapes?! Why can’t it ever be Scarlett Johansson or like, Johnny Depp? (Uh, both featuring ME, while we’re wishing in one hand and shitting in the other…)


Oh, and nice flip flops, skank. But I guess I, too, would have to leave on all possible rubber protection. Hell, I would require a HazMat® suit and a preemptive tracheal intubation to even think about French kissing Gene Simmons, cuz I’m pretty sure he’s the spawn of an unholy three-way with a proboscis, a wild boar, and a fringy leather jacket.

I think Jake expertly summed it up when she said:

"When I see him in interviews today, he repulses me like a blow pop found under the benches at a roller skating rink, covered in hair and lint from 1983."

I couldn’t agree more. :D

P.P.S.

So I was on a conference call, right? And the call leader decided to give us five minutes to read over something lame, and so we were sitting in silence with our phones on speaker. We were all working from home because of the sucky roads, so I was on the couch festering in my blankies, when Dan chose this totally opportune time to bust downstairs from his office/lair. He snaked over to me and greeted me with one of my many bizarre nicknames, "Poo Poo Symptom!" Loudly. Oh my GOD it was louder than whale exploding.

I slapped at the phone, hit mute and shrieked, DUDE! I’m on mothereffing speaker! And we totally laughed like 3rd graders. I only wish the bitches on the phone would have shared in the giggle, but they just sat in uncomfortable silence. Hee hee!

Ahh, professionalism rocks socks.

Wheelchair Rebecca

An oldie, but a goodie. I can’t ever decide which is my favorite, but I think today, I’m leaning towards the "horse" explanation. I can’t wait to do this shit to my kids!!

Wheelchair Rebecca

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Save Me

Somebody, please, for the love of fuck, kidnap me. Call in and make a Cloverfield moster threat. Anything to get me outta here!

All day, I sit in classes I've already taken. I listen to self-important idiots fellate themselves on their drinking of the Kool-aid. Seriously, y'all. One of them is this freak of nature with the Hugest Man-Ass in North America, only with this face:



Are you with me yet on how much I want to stab out my eyes? So if you hear of anything open for a tech writer, please. Let the hiring manager know that I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose and pass along my resume.