Ok, I know I should just let this neighbor thing go, but Jesus crap, I’m still so wigged out by how evil that dick was that I can’t stop plotting revenge! So, being as I might as well just get this out of my system, I invite you all to help me come up with ways to out-crazy the crazies next door. (Don’t worry, there’s a slim chance I’d actually do anything to them except for deny them the awesomeness of my company, but it makes me feel better to think about pwning them for being so cruel.) Here’s what I’ve got so far:
Put empty cans of rat poisoning all over the side of the house closest to theirs as a warning that their yappy ass dogs are not welcome on my lawn.
Make really good friends with all the other neighbors so that they like me best and invite me to all the fun parties and not them.
Find out how much of the shared drive we really own, then put up a fence on our side so that NOBODY can use it. Mwa ha ha!
Plant nothing but invasive weeds in my side of the garden, thereby destroying their side and totally infuriating the horticulturalist of the pair.
Plant drugs all over their house and call the cops. JoeRogie, I’m pretty sure you have a flawless idea how to make this happen, but can’t remember how it goes…
Bake lovely muffins and doggie treats laced with extra strength laxatives and deliver with an apologetic note saying, "So sorry we got off on the wrong foot!"
But what I really want to do is have them witness me do something so fucking creepy that they are too scared to ever say shit to me ever again. The best thing I can think of is to bring out my inner Voodoo priestess and slaughter a chicken in front of them whilst chanting "Damballah, Damballah, Damballah wedo" and dousing myself and the new house in fowl blood. Then, I’d make sure to periodically sprinkle feathers in their lawn as a terrifying reminder of what I’m capable of.
What else could I do in front of them to freak them the fuck out?
Wow. That Sure Ended Fast.
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I can’t believe I’m saying this so soon, but today was such a hideous icky, suck butt day. I know! After all the glory that was last week, someone flung poo at the record player and made the music skip.
I spent the entire day freezing my labes off in the fabulous new house. This would have been much more tits if the heat had been on, but long story short, I had to wait around for nine effing cold ass hours for the gas and water bitches to turn shit on. So not only that, but I didn’t have food, and could hit the hizz because no water means no flushies.
As if that suckiness weren’t enough, my sister and I were completely brutalized by my new neighbor. She stopped by to drop off some lunch for me and pulled into the shared drive. It’s the first time she’d been there, and it was snowing, so it wasn’t easy to tell what the driveway situation was. Regardless, the neighbor comes home, pulls his car over in the middle of the street and gets out to come bang on the door to tell me how rude I am to park there. We were so shocked at the way he attacked me, my sister and I just began to apologize and hurry to move her car, when he says, "I don’t want even want to hear about it, honey." And slams my door in my face. Then, he screams at my sister the entire way to her car saying "Yeah, of course you didn’t realize. Welcome to the fucking neighborhood."
What. The. Fuck.
How is that someone’s first reaction? How does someone reach the conclusion that that kind of behavior is acceptable? If this were the tenth time I’d blocked his driveway, I could understand a polite knock on the door to ask me to move, but to yell at us like we had just slit his stupid yappy Shitzu’s throat over such a small incident?! Man, makes me wish I’d done something awesome enough to merit being screamed at. Maybe I should kill his dog. And boil it. You know, just to see what happens.
I spent the entire day freezing my labes off in the fabulous new house. This would have been much more tits if the heat had been on, but long story short, I had to wait around for nine effing cold ass hours for the gas and water bitches to turn shit on. So not only that, but I didn’t have food, and could hit the hizz because no water means no flushies.
As if that suckiness weren’t enough, my sister and I were completely brutalized by my new neighbor. She stopped by to drop off some lunch for me and pulled into the shared drive. It’s the first time she’d been there, and it was snowing, so it wasn’t easy to tell what the driveway situation was. Regardless, the neighbor comes home, pulls his car over in the middle of the street and gets out to come bang on the door to tell me how rude I am to park there. We were so shocked at the way he attacked me, my sister and I just began to apologize and hurry to move her car, when he says, "I don’t want even want to hear about it, honey." And slams my door in my face. Then, he screams at my sister the entire way to her car saying "Yeah, of course you didn’t realize. Welcome to the fucking neighborhood."
What. The. Fuck.
How is that someone’s first reaction? How does someone reach the conclusion that that kind of behavior is acceptable? If this were the tenth time I’d blocked his driveway, I could understand a polite knock on the door to ask me to move, but to yell at us like we had just slit his stupid yappy Shitzu’s throat over such a small incident?! Man, makes me wish I’d done something awesome enough to merit being screamed at. Maybe I should kill his dog. And boil it. You know, just to see what happens.
Best Week Evarrr
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This last week has been so righteous that I’m kind of exhausted from all the kick-assery. I put up Christmas lights, took a lazy vacation day, found a real home for the rescue kitty, sent off one of my best drinkin’ buddies into the wild yonder of a new company, met some new friends, AND let’s not forget that I fucking sang with Poradova, which to date is The Coolest Thing That’s Ever Happened to Me.
But today. Today is the day that my gorgeous beast of a man gave me my key to the NEW TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS HOWSE! Oh my good GAWD, y’all. I am beside myself. I would post a picture of it, but then you’d all probably stalk me and mutilate my body whilst raping it, so I’ll have to let you imagine how fricking gorgeous and amazing it is. I’m gonna have a real porch, bitches! Ok, I’m hyperventilating and must go lie down now, but please, marinate in my good chi!! I’m happy to share.
But today. Today is the day that my gorgeous beast of a man gave me my key to the NEW TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS HOWSE! Oh my good GAWD, y’all. I am beside myself. I would post a picture of it, but then you’d all probably stalk me and mutilate my body whilst raping it, so I’ll have to let you imagine how fricking gorgeous and amazing it is. I’m gonna have a real porch, bitches! Ok, I’m hyperventilating and must go lie down now, but please, marinate in my good chi!! I’m happy to share.
Pitch + Poradova = LOVE!!!
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Ok, so this may not give y’all Osco Syndrome like it does me, but I’m here to say that Poradova is number one on my Best Discoveries of the Year list.
What’s more exciting, is that The Pitch totally knows how much ass they kick!! Plus, they all but took a crap on the chests of other bands that were reviewed in the same article. Hooray!
I’ve posted the highlights below, but you can hook yourself up phat with the full article here:
Ladies’ Night: A local showcase at the Hurricane brings out four female-fronted bands.
By Crystal K. Wiebe, November 22, 2007
The problem with a lot of events and magazine spreads devoted to Women Who Rock! is the underlying prejudice that a woman rocking is somehow novel.
There’s no question that the music industry remains male-dominated, from the guys in suits to the guys at the mic. And that’s reflected on the radio, on TV and in print. But don’t let the legions of dude rockers fool you. Women everywhere shred, scream, beat drums, pound keyboards and sing in the name of rock and roll.
Talented, attractive and authoritative, Poradova frontwoman Sarahjill Bricker is the kind of singer who can make everything else disappear. She had the crowd’s full attention with her soundcheck: a rapid-fire bark of "Check! Check! Check!" followed by a strum-along to a Pixies song that happened to be playing through the PA.
Whereas other performers just stared in helpless frustration at the entry through which the offending hip-hop streamed all night, Bricker shouted, "Shut the door!" and someone scrambled to do it.
Backed by a rotating cast of two guitarists and a couple of drummers, Bricker played keyboard and acoustic guitar. Her blues-tinged notes slid all over the scale in a way that evoked Tori Amos. The end of the set included a rocked-out rendition of Dolly Parton’s "Jolene" and the Pixies song that Bricker teased us with earlier, "Where Is My Mind."
Having to follow that would intimidate any self-respecting musician, and next-in-line Abigail Murphy did appear tense during her band’s prolonged setup...
What’s more exciting, is that The Pitch totally knows how much ass they kick!! Plus, they all but took a crap on the chests of other bands that were reviewed in the same article. Hooray!
I’ve posted the highlights below, but you can hook yourself up phat with the full article here:
Ladies’ Night: A local showcase at the Hurricane brings out four female-fronted bands.
By Crystal K. Wiebe, November 22, 2007
The problem with a lot of events and magazine spreads devoted to Women Who Rock! is the underlying prejudice that a woman rocking is somehow novel.
There’s no question that the music industry remains male-dominated, from the guys in suits to the guys at the mic. And that’s reflected on the radio, on TV and in print. But don’t let the legions of dude rockers fool you. Women everywhere shred, scream, beat drums, pound keyboards and sing in the name of rock and roll.
Talented, attractive and authoritative, Poradova frontwoman Sarahjill Bricker is the kind of singer who can make everything else disappear. She had the crowd’s full attention with her soundcheck: a rapid-fire bark of "Check! Check! Check!" followed by a strum-along to a Pixies song that happened to be playing through the PA.
Whereas other performers just stared in helpless frustration at the entry through which the offending hip-hop streamed all night, Bricker shouted, "Shut the door!" and someone scrambled to do it.
Backed by a rotating cast of two guitarists and a couple of drummers, Bricker played keyboard and acoustic guitar. Her blues-tinged notes slid all over the scale in a way that evoked Tori Amos. The end of the set included a rocked-out rendition of Dolly Parton’s "Jolene" and the Pixies song that Bricker teased us with earlier, "Where Is My Mind."
Having to follow that would intimidate any self-respecting musician, and next-in-line Abigail Murphy did appear tense during her band’s prolonged setup...
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