Things I Don’t Understand: Part 441

Child actors make me want to vomit. All over myself. Like Saturday Night Live kind of barf. They are always smiling overzealously, then fucking shit up. Gaah! Exhibit A: The spooky ass kid on Heroes.




I mean, if this kid isn’t getting ready to unhinge her jaw and eat me whole, then I’m your mom. So in searching for video on You Tube to show you bitches just how truly terrifying she is, I found this:

What. The. FUCK? Is it just me, or is it extremely creepy that someone sat down, edited this clip, and put a douchey song to it? And oh my god, there are like 50 of these. All to the same weird little kid and her man pals. Why? Why do they do this?


I have to go lie down and feel dirty now.

Whoops.

Have you ever gotten kinda drunk and like, forgotten your audience? Say, for instance, you’re playing a friendly round of "I Never" and pose the following truth: I’ve never banged three or more people at this table. In front of your sig other. And they DRINK.

Evidently, I did something similar during a particularly rowdy night out. Somebody brought up this girl that I just can’t stand and I completely went off on a melodramatic rant. Viciously. Like, "Oh my god, I hate her ass, she is such a troll. I mean, seriously, she has sick cankles and most closely resembles Teddy Ruxpin. I want to rip off her face and eat it with salsa!" All of this and more...in front of her best friend.

What’s even more awesome, is that I totally forgot that this even happened and had to be told later what a huge dick I was. Tee hee! Oops. But whatever. I wish I had been more subtle in front of the bitch’s friend, but lemme just tell you something. If someone said even a fraction of what I let loose about my best friend, I would have smeared their ass all over the bar. So I stand by it and say fuck it! Hooray!

News Grodies

So yeah, I’m a sick fuck, we all know this. But like, even I disturbed myself yesterday. You know when you see like, roadkill or something hideous, but you can’t look away? Yeah, it was way worse than that.

It started innocently enough when I found a fascinating article about a little girl in India, who is the most adorable child ever, and was unfortunately born with a parasitic conjoined twin. Um, so like, she had four arms and four legs, which is cool, but even COOLER is that she was freaking born on the day of celebration of Hindu goddess of the same name, Lakshmi. Anywho, she just had surgery to remove the twin and is doing fabulously.

This is not the sick part. That shit went down as soon as I continued to read more about the story and inadvertently stumbled across The Most Fucked Up Thing I’ve Ever Heard. It was on a related site, though how this crap could possibly be associated is beyond balls deep. Evidently, some fucked up German dude put out a personals ad seeking a masochist to let him kill, then eat them. And holy sausage tits, somebody answered. And they both ate his penis.

!!!

The worst part? I couldn’t stop reading about it. I was like one of those a-holes that slows down to stare at a car wreck. It was horrible!!!

I have never wanted to be a vegetarian more in my whole life. Swear to God, I was eating a meatball sub and couldn’t finish it because I kept thinking about fried dong. And dude, the picture of the creep! All I can focus on are his dickteeth! Gahhhhhhuuugh!

So I hope you enjoyed that little morsel and that it made you want to hurl in your mouth a little bit too.

Best Cartoon EVAR!

Lawd, what’s wrong with me for thinking this is so DAMN funny?!!!