Homeless Jumping

This is totally how I feel when I'm driving to work:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=82516

I know I'm sitting just a tad too far to the right to possible get any of the hippies on board with my hatred of the homeless, but dude. They are SO useless! They can't get their shit together, can't exist normally, and can't follow basic social norms! I mean, a man approaching a lone woman on the street is totally unacceptable and way skurry to me, but begging for my hard earned money?! Shut the fuck up! Balls, it offends me on so many levels.

I just don't agree that they're just folks who have lost their way. I don't believe that the homeless sleep outside because they like to live under the stars. I think the people that do that shit do it because they're effing crazy in the head. Ok?!So, no y'all, I don't think it's a good idear to go rolling down your car windows to give them change/enable them, and nay, I don't think it's a good idear to go trying to help them out unless you want them to kidnap your babies/rape you.

I'm not saying your intentions aren't good in wanting to see the best in them, but the homeless are about three steps above Paris Hilton, insofar as their contribution to civilized society (and the rampant spreading of disease,) so let's not encourage them. Or Paris either for that matter.

Take a Freaking Picture!

Have you ever been just hanging out and minding your own business, when suddenly, you notice that someone is staring at you?

This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.

I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.



I should eat her soul.

Lay Off Me!!!

You know those people that you just can't communicate with, no matter how hard you try? Like you say, open the left drawer, reach into the last tray, and grab a big purple dildo with which to SLAP YOUR STUPID FACE, and they go, tray? Tray?! Those are not trays, they're cubbies. And you go, that's not the point, you douche!!!!

I have one of those. No matter what I say to this ogre, she comes back at me with 17 nitpicky arguments about every word out of my mouth. For example, I can ask her to please pass me a beer, and she's all, "Why didn't you ask Nick to do it? He's closer. It's not even beer anyway, it's actually malt liquor, which is stupid." And I'm all, shut the fuck up and pass me the goddamn bottle before I stab out my own eyes with fury.

It drives me insane with ick. She's so hideous that she reminds me of Chris Farley in drag. If only she were this funny…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-H_e7sMyhI

My Guitar Hero

Guitar of plastic hoisted as a weapon,
Clicking like sticky keys.
The scarlet of his hoodie blinds him,
Obscuring the scrolling primary notes,
While his boxers billow with the force of his rock.

Bottle green reaper writhes with the rhythm,
As he caresses the whammy bar.
Dominating the Sabbath,
He smirks at me in triumph,
And I lift my shirt in amazement.


The star power is ready,
The star power is ready,The star power is ready, oh.