Time For Class!

I really hate to patronize all of you for the misdeeds of a few, but let’s all please take a moment to review Poetry and Literature 101. Lesson one: when a writer is composing his or her work, they commonly use what we call a persona:

Main Entry: per·so·na
Pronunciation: p&r-'sO-n&, -"nä
Etymology: Latin
1 : a character assumed by an author in a written work

It’s true, babies. Even I use a persona in my literature. Now I’m not lying to you when I write because yes, I hate boys. Yes, I’m vain. Yes, I’m horny. But in my work, I do yield to a little something something we refer to as exaggerating:

Main Entry: ex·ag·ger·ate
Pronunciation: ig-'za-j&-"rAt
Etymology: Latin exaggeratus, past participle of exaggerare, to heap up
1 : to enlarge beyond bounds or the truth

I’m simply amplifying my personality for entertainment purposes and enhancing the terminology to juice up the events of my suck life. Come on, which would you rather hear?

“I need a gigolo.” Or: “I’m lonely. I wish I could be close to someone without all the bullshit that is involved. Gigolo is a funny word. Hee hee!”

See? The latter is so unfunny to the point that it is horribly pathetic. (Don’t you dare tell anyone that I’m actually pathetic or I’ll totally mutilate you.) And I don’t want a pity party here, I want everybody having so much fun that they have to smoke a cigarette after reading The Chronicles. Now you may be asking why I mention the persona, and I am all too happy to tell you every sordid detail. I’ve been getting some rather judgmental comments from some of my darling readers lately. After a particularly saucy post from your Official Goddess of Sugarliciousness, one individual took it upon himself to scold me on my evil ways. Please note that these* are all sent in 20 min. intervals and there were no responses from me in between the final three e-mails:

1: IN WHICH GONAD IS A DICK
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com
Subject: 1
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 2004 08:31:02 -0600

"Trust me Summer, you are just looking in the wrong places. I know you love to dance, but when you think about it guys hate to dance. You might find those goofy ones that are on the dance floor that would rather dance alone because dancing with a girl would just bring them down. They are only out there for one thing. Yep you guessed it. Same reason why they shell out all the bucks for the alcohol. But if thats really what you want, happy hunting. I have known enough girls with that desire that are now desease infested that nobody will touch with a 10-foot pole. Use the hotness for good. Think about giving some of it to charity :). Literally, Charity is nasty looking, she needs it."

2: IN WHICH SUMMER BITES OFF HIS HEAD
From: Summer@IsThisShitForRizzel.com
12/06/04 02:05PM

Finding a man that loves to dance is a real priority for me and it is not up for compromise, Gonad. It's as important to me as sharing religious values is to others. To imply that I'm going to get a disease because I like to share common interests with my partners is rude. I wouldn't assume anything like that about somebody I didn't know.

3: UH OH, NOW GONAD FEELS BAD
From: Gonad@ TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Don't think I was saying that about you Summer. I am saying watch out. You know that as well as I do. I know a lot of guys that are pretty much predators out there. There are guys that just want to go out and have fun. There are other guys that are out there that are out for something more. Trust me. I have friends that are girls that have gotten stuff with guys that they thought were cool and fun. Now they have to tell guys when they are close that they have something and see if the guys stay or run. Don't think I was saying that about you. I am sorry if you did. I know when writing and reading emails it can sound that people are being mean. This is not like that. All I was meaning was that to watch out. Don't settle. It is not my nature to put people down like that. It is my nature to care for people, no matter if I have met them or not. Sorry if I got you mad."

4: GONAD IS FEELING MORE JUSTIFIED
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Ok, think of your true friends. One's that would tell you if you had a bugger hanging out of your nose. Would you really want them to tell you or not? Personally I would. Yes, I do not know you that well. Just what I have read from your emails or your blog. I have asked you if that is you or if you are exaggerating. That is the type of person I am Summer. I will tell you "hey watch out for some sleazy guys." I know you already know that. Just from reading your blog that you sent me it seemed like you weren't going to be picky about the type of guys that you wanted to be with. I read into it too much and I am sorry. I wasn't trying to put you down, at all. Just trying to protect you a bit. I can do that. Now I have a thing about people that I don't think like me or that are mad at me. Even though I feel this was just a misunderstanding I really care about what you think about me and how you feel about what happened. I don't want you to be upset. I would rather you know that you have someone, that you don't even know, haven't even met, care about you. I am genuinely sorry. You might think I believe I am goody two shoes but those guys that I am warning you about I actually have as friends. Not my best friends but are friends nonetheless. I have had friends at XO when I came off the dancefloor that were doing it with girls in the booth, restrooms, hallways. Trust me, I know these guys that I am warning you about. Just don't settle for those guys. I know what diseases that they have. I know how they have given to girls without a care. I also told you that I have seen the other side as well. It is good to have common interests with people that you are friends with and that you are in relationships with. But there are a lot of bad guys at the clubs. Find a good guy where they are more plentiful that also like to dance and then take them to the clubs. Sort of like importing. Again, I am sorry. Just looking out for you."


5: IN WHICH GONAD REVERTS TO 1ST GRADE
From: Gonad@TakingSummerEntirelyTooSeriously.com

"Well I can understand that we don't know each other that well and that if you are mad, you are mad. All I can do now is say that I am sorry. If you don't want to reply to any of these that is fine. Just know that I am a good person and that I can be a good friend. But I understand. I will stop emailing you and stop sending you job postings. I hope that makes it better. Gonad."

Yikes.
As you can see, I am a little worried about y’all reading The Chronicles though I am confidant that most of you dig the intensification of my otherwise naturally dull character. In addition to your collective hotness, I genuinely appreciate your senses of humor.

This now concludes the lesson for today. I hope you all enjoyed it and will please remember for future reference that The Chronicles are meant to be fun, and if mama’s gotta sugar coat some things to make them more interesting, she gonna keep right on doing it because she loves her babies.

*Just in case…anything readers send me regarding The Chronicles is fair game for posting. I think you’re all brilliant and hilarious and I love to quote you...Especially Thi Money. Unless I’m given explicit permission, I will happily disguise the names of those that have been quoted because only I am allowed to stalk you.