Breakup Rules

Breakups suck major asshole. Each and every one of them! You can say it was mutual or that it was an amicable, but I will squint at you, point a gnarled finger, and shriek, “LIAR!” Because I totally know better.

Believe me, I’ve dumped and been dumped a fifillian times and they’ve all blown bull rhino balls. And don’t think that you are some unique little snowflake and that nobody has ever had to deal with the pancreas wrenching emotions you experience during a breakup…everyone goes through a breakup of some sort. In light of this fact, we may as well take this shiny opportunity to brush up on our Breakup Rules:

1. No Stalking. Now you’d think that this would be an easy one to follow, but for some reason, getting the torch causes normally sensible people to commit unreasonable acts of cell phone abuse. This is, of course, directly related to the Free Binge Drinking Pass one receives when one is shit canned. But trust me, nobody wants to get a creepy unintelligible voicemail where the ex refers to the breakuper by their previous, private pet names and then threatens suicide. For the love of God, lock up your phone when you think you might be tempted. It’s for the best.

2. Give Their Shit Back. No Excuses. Throw away little gifty things, pawn non-marriage related jewelry, and box up the rest of it to return. If it makes you feel car sick to do the swap in person, give their stupid mesh t-shirt and queerbait Jack Johnson CD to a mutual friend and let them to the dirty work.

3. Rebound. Both of you. Discretely. And don’t blow your wad on someone you actually kind of like. Rebounds, much like the people with whom we engage in said activity, are supposed to be angry, hot, and short.

4. Be Graceful. You will inevitably run into your ex. Smile, wave, exchange pleasantries if you must. Of course, the breakuper must avoid all shared bars, gyms, and grocery stores during the initial breakup period…it’s just polite, but if you must have a close encounter of the burned kind, make sure you look damn good.

5. No More Drama. Do your mutual friends a favor and shut the fuck up. Hearing you vent about how he ate your heart, shat it out, then force fed it to you makes them uncomfortable. Get your own friends or hire some, but leave the mutuals out of it unless you want them to ditch your whiney ass too.

6. Get Over It. Do it the right way. Seriously get cool with yourself. Light a candle. Read It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. Go see a councilor. Do yoga. You will get over it!