I Hate Boys

Babies! I am so pleased to see that you made it here! This is the first official post since I sold out and got a blog of my very own and I have to tell you, it is truly a satisfying little pet. And isn’t it sooooo cute? Oooh! You is a cutie wootie wittle blog, yes you are! Smooch smooch! So I guess I’ll start off the fun and games by pissing off my male audience. Whee!

Please allow me to begin by saying that I do not like gender roles, bigotry, and/or making blanket statements. So, that being said, I’ll try to candy coat this as much as possible: Boys are stupid.

Ok, ok. Not all boys are stupid. Back off, I know. And believe me, I am aware that there are plenty of girls that are soul sucking morons as well, but in my totally unprofessional opinion, boys can be excruciatingly dumb. Please allow me to expand upon the subject.

First, let’s consider the basic thought processes of the male variety. I think it’s pretty safe to say that they are quite limited at best when it comes to women. When men interact with women, they become these base, primal animals who act purely on instinct and libido. I can only imagine what this looks like in their little pea brains when they roll up into a club and see a female with whom they’d like to mate. It must be something like this:

Guy cruises into bar. Smoothes hair and swigs beer provocatively. Has intelligent conversation with friend regarding politics, peppered with manly commentary on various tits/ass in room. Zeros in on hot chick grooving on the dance floor. Suddenly, all synapses cease to fire.

Mmmm. Puntang. Must conquer.

Guy proceeds to gyrate over to hot girl and wait with hunter-like patience till she dances herself into a position where she is no longer facing him.

MMMMMM. Buns. In jeans. Ooooh. They wiggle. Must rub junk on them. Girl like junk on butt. Maybe me get off on dry humping buns before she smack me.

Advances to press self against prey’s hind quarters.

Whoa! Wha happen? Conspiracy! Friend yanked prey away. Must try again.

Circles like a drunken or possibly dying hawk in the throws of its death rattle cough and attempts to chafe now semi-erect unit on girl’s ass. She stifles her laughter and/or potential vomit at the thought of his earnest little poke. She turns, glares, and walks away.

Mmmm. She fugly bitch. Ah. Friend’s buns. Must swivel package all over her ass too.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Sadly, this is probably a really nice guy too. He just loses his shit when he gets horny and simply pervs out. Too bad. It is seriously as if the entire frontal lobe just shuts down and the concept of why doesn’t exist. The same ex that cheated on me with the Frighteningly Mannish Girl Downstairs before dumping me is the classic example. In my mind, I would have fantasized about the cheating with the aid of battery operated devices, felt guilty about fantasizing, and subsequently tried to figure out why I wanted to cheat in the first place. Then, me and all my girlfriends would have sat around and talked about the prospect of cheating, the pros and cons, and at some point, I would justify myself by explaining my well thought out defense. Only then would I have commenced cheating.

Guys don’t work this way. I’m not saying they can’t, but they don’t. When I asked him why he cheated, he said, “I don’t know.” When I asked why he even wanted to break up in the first place, he replied, “I don’t know.” Uh huh. What the fuck? How can one just accidentally fall into someone else’s orifices then state that they want to break up without knowing why? This kind of thought process is so completely alien to me that I can’t believe I ever dated him seriously in the first place! What separates the animal kingdom from humanity is the possession of consciousness, the ability to reason and make decisions. Are you a fucking monkey or a man? Seriously! And don’t go around advertising your apeness, if you don’t know why, at least make something up!

I know I’m bitter and being brutal. Sue me. And I’m sure plenty of you think I’m being unfair. Well, duh. But I think that until I get some boys to step up to the plate and treat me well that I am entitled to be a cold and demanding vituperator who says cranky things and tortures the opposite sex in her basement with dental equipment. (Don’t worry. They mostly like it.)

I guess what upsets me so much is not that boys are stupid, but that girls allow them to be so stupid. Guys wouldn’t go around plucking the lice from their scalps and scratching their pits if it didn’t get them somewhere. I’ve personally allowed a million guys to completely escape accountability when they’ve done something totally evil, which only validates that kind of conduct and thus perpetuates it.

It’s like faking an orgasm. It’s just not a good idea. For you, him, and for the poor souls who have to sleep with him after you’ve indicated that his feeble thrashing and unsettlingly high pitched sex noises got you off. We just sigh, merrily role our eyes like and go, “It come with the package…um hum hum...no pun intended!” Maybe if we stop accepting this kind of shit behavior, they’ll have to unshrivel that leg of their Y chromosome and start thinking rationally when it comes to women. If girls can cerebrally connect emotions, lust, and coherent thought processes in our brains, why can’t guys?

I have a dream. That someday, men will consider the fact that women are breathing, living people; that they will genuinely care about them and try to get to know them. That they will stop taking girls on lunch dates, but instead go on real dates with dinner and fancy shit like wine so we can get blitzed if it’s not going well. That they will call when they say they will call. And mostly, I have a dream that men will stop fucking around with women that they are not that interested in. They will stop asking for the numbers of women that they never intend to call and that they will not abuse their animal magnetism and have sexual relations with chicks that they don’t really like that much. It’s called pornography. Use it. Not us. For the love of God.