Bacon Dress

Loretta Lynn Kicks Ass

2009-07-12T23:36:00.001-05:00

I JUST discovered Loretta Lynn. I know, right?! Like 28 years later. Sarahjill hooked me up phat with the Coal Miner’s Daughter DVD as preparation for our Pink Cadillac Hearse debut, and I was sold, but then she sent me the following music video and it rocked my MIND so hard that springs were popping out of my head like a Femme Bot:

I highly recommend you check out the full album that Jack White and Loretta Lynn did together. I can’t remember the last time I was so inspired by music! I mean, this wails louder than getting a bj from Angeline Jolie. It stunned me so hard that I had to call Sarahjill right then and freak out like, THIS is what we’re doing. I want to make this kind of music! It’s like the rock has come full circle to its origins of classic country and it just makes me want to dress like Johnny Cash and sing again!

So, now it’s time to stalk her in Nashville. Can you imagine that she’s still playing live?! I mean, she’s only like 112 years old. Loretta = pwnage.

Pink Cadillac Hearse

2009-06-30T23:39:00.006-05:00

Dewd. I have a new band. For cereal! It’s in the infancy stages, but I’m pretty sure we shall rise from our painfully humble beginnings like so much phoenix and pwn the faces of the masses! It all started when my sister narked me out to Grandma that I could sing. And Grandma was all, wtf, srsly? And I was all, duh, bitch! So I recruited one of my favorite musicians of all time ever, Sarahjill, to help me put together some old country songs to sing for Grandma’s old folks home.

Prior to preparing for this exclusive and prestigious venue, Sarahjill’s husband asked her if we were going to have a band name. They were driving to the grocery store and she said she hadn’t really thought about it. A minute went by; he glanced at the next lane of cars and asked, “Is that a pink Cadillac hearse?” To which Sarahjill replied, “THAT’S IT! That’s our band name!” Our t-shirts are going to be so cute!

For our debut show at the nursing home, we did a guitar/vocal duet and melted the faces off those old fuckers. It was righteous!!! Check out the enthusiastic zombie-like grunts of approval from our ancient first audience:

So awesome. Good thing none of them died from all the rawkage. Well, a couple of them might have already kicked the bucket before we started, but I'll let you be the judge:

Worst Celebrity News EvAR!

2009-05-21T19:49:00.005-05:00

So yeah, I know this happened like weeks ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to wrench myself away from the pile of blankets and Oreo crumbs that I've been festering in to address the terrible news.

Trent Reznor is engaged to someone that’s not me. /cry

I mean, what; did he not know how lucky he was to get to sit around being my backup plan?! What the fuckity fuck? Our children would have been so adorable and angsty with large nostrils! But alas, it’s clear to me that is, in fact, gay city for he is marrying a tranny. Behold:

I mean, the word queen is in her name. It’s like, sweetie, don‘t put your job title that far up 'cuz you ain’t even THAT good of a cross-dresser. I have seen prettier drag queens with 5 o’clock shadows. But I guess she’s ok if you’re into The (post-op) Grudge. None of which appears to be a very good influence on El Rezbo being as he is looks a bit like the demon spawn of Joey Buttafuco and Gene Simmons:

Oh well…And all that could have been, I suppose. Sans keloid scars, of course.

Mill the Tread

2009-04-08T22:15:00.005-05:00

At work, we did this fun little project where we made slides with silly pictures and bullet points about ourselves so that the remote branches of our company can get to know us a bit. I was epically proud of mine:

However, in the process of making it, I had to scroll through like 50 pictures of myself (that were all totally work-inappropriate...typical) and came across this one from a few years ago when I was running every day and I was like, SHIT:

I need to get back on the motherfucking treadmill.

Now I realize that I was 24 and that it is, in fact, an exceptionally flattering pic, but crap! My calves look killer. So killer that one time, some ass-stain once posted a MySpace comment on it that really speaks for itself:

I mean what the shit, right?! You tryin' to say you think I don't look GOOD in person, cocksucker? JESUS FUCK. I've fucking seen YOU several times, tea bag, and I must say...you always look like a baby rapist!

Ah, but I digress! I'm back to running, bitches, so look for my hawt calves again soon, in photo and irl, for they are germinating!

Shut the Fuck Up

2009-03-03T19:30:00.004-06:00

So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:

A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend

I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,

“!!!”

“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.

Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.

Summie likey.

Loltallica

2009-02-03T18:48:00.001-06:00

Love and Shooshting in an Elevator

2008-12-03T16:59:00.002-06:00

Wow. I’m clearly all pent up. Some terrible elevator love scene totally just got me all percolated on the couch. And dude, it was on the most inappropriate tv show to get worked up about possible. I don’t even want to tell you because it’s too mortifying.

...

It was CSI!

I am shamed.

But hear me out!! It was some scorchingly hot, rich ass silver fox in an elevator with a younger chica, and he looks at her for a minute, then grabs her and totally kisses her, which she’s like wtf at first, then gets into it because he’s smokin’. Then the elevator door opens and he gets shot.

It’s so unfair! Why doesn’t random shit like that ever happen to me? Not the shooting part. Just the hot accidental sexual encounter part. I guess it’s because that’s probably a good way to get The HIV and/or mutilated by a stranger, but it sure looks like fun when you’re on day four of the flu and watching bad tv!

Oh, shitcicles, I’m turning into the little old lady who gets all juiced up on Harlequin Romance novels already!

RezNOr

2008-11-26T15:11:00.010-06:00

I had a date with Mr. Reznor. Who wants to touch me? No, but really Lizzard, Nelle, and I went to see NIN in Columbia (Mizzou, whewt!) and we had killer seats right by the stage and danced like whore bags. He totally looked right at me and I was all, “Psssshhht! WhatevAR! You WISH you could have this!” And I’m sure he does, because shit, bitch! He legitimately can’t have this!

What’s funny is that ten years ago, I would have likely punched myself in the uterus in an effort to abort any hypothetical fetuses that might have been growing there to clear the way to bear Reznor’s child. And had you told me that I’d ever think otherwise, I would have laughed in your face and been a huge asshole about it. Lol, cuz I’ve always been such a nice person and all.

So, I guess Trent is still technically on My Freebie List, but seriously, do you know how many skanks he’s put the naughty on over the years? I think Ronald put it best when he said, “I bet his girlfriend has to fuck him up the ass with a strap-on to get him off because there’s so much shit growing on his dick, he can’t get it up anymore.” Indeed.

And dude, let’s not forget that he’s short. And has inferior genes due to his depressos/addiction/small nostrils. And he’s in PETA. OMG, and AA! I can’t roll with a guy who can’t hold his booze! It’s so not hawt.

It’s amazing how clear this shit becomes when you get older, wiser, and find a brilliant, hilarious, and fanfuckingtastic man, ain't it?

Meso Old!

2008-11-20T15:52:00.003-06:00

Why is it that every time someone gets engaged I kind of want to barf in their mouth a little? Most of it is the expectant look people give you after their announcement, like they’re waiting for you to justify your own engagement status. Part of it, even after all this time, is just the weirdness of someone getting MARRIED. Especially when it’s someone you used to get so drunk with that you once physically restrained them from beating some bitch over the head with a phone. Ahh, memories!

Embarrassingly not that long ago, I would run away from married people like they had Ebola because I totally thought they underwent a marriage metamorphosis where they suddenly sucked balls and blew you off for hubby all the time. It took my best friend from college getting hitched for me to realize that you’re still YOU when you get married. But that’s a revelation of an extremely stupid and slutty single person, if that tell you anything.

These days, I’m just excited that some of my married bitches are having adorable babies for me to play with, then promptly hand back when they give me a Hot Carl. Whoot!

Caffeine Conspiracy

2008-11-13T14:09:00.001-06:00

Dood I swear the waiter dumped a 5 Hour Energy drink or three in my pop at lunch because I’m about to blast off here from the caffeine. I’m like full on chair dancing at my desk to Pitbull. Maybe vibrating in my chair is a more accurate description of what nastiness is going on up in here.

Shit, bitch, I don’t even know where I was going with this except that I’ve clearly had an accidental overdose and need to flee across the street to the titty bar and make some cash doing this then get some fricking ice cream. You know, because the pervy ice cream truck driver pulls up every day, twice a day, to the aptly named Bazooka’s back door *insert juvenile snicker here* and the strippers run out to buy popsicles. And I do mean run. They don’t just walk out like normal humans and get a fucking ice cream; they hop-run in slow motion in their little outfits and ankle-breaking heels and teeter around handing money to the dude. I know this because watch it take place from my fatty window cube which overlooks the back of their building.

Downtown pwns!

OWW WEE Baby, You Make Me Wanna Walk Like a...

2008-11-13T11:59:00.000-06:00

Despite my revulsion for the toe variety, I actually love camels. A lot. They are the cutest, smiliest, eyelashiest things you can ride around on through the desert. This is something I really want to do, actually. I am foaming at the mouth to go on a camel safari in Egypt, and yes I am just as excited about trotting around on a belching, spitting, adorable fluffy critter as I am to see Giza. I mean, come on:

The only reason I haven’t done this yet is because the safety section of the U.S. Department of State page is bigger than Lindsay Lohan’s freakish labes. In fact, I don’t know which would be more dangerous: moseying into a terrorist mud pit or banging LiLo. Yeesh. It doesn’t exactly say not to go, but it does kinda say to be effing careful as hell.

Whatever, I guess what I want to know is, do you think it’s cool to go to Cairo, or should I wait out the drama? I mean, Dan is six and a half feet tall and I’m fricking blonde city, so we won’t exactly blend in. I’m worried either way that I’m gonna miss out, which is NOT an option. Do you think shit will get better or worse if I wait? Or should I just say fuck it and not subscribe to terrorism and go anyway?

God DAMN it, I hate terrorists.

SNTYAL

2008-10-01T20:39:00.001-05:00

Word, bitches. So I did it. I finally got LASIK. And you know what? It sucked major cornhole. It was scary, hideous, and totally shatastic. The only reason I’m so crabby about it is that I asked a solid 20 people about their LASIK surgery, and they all said the same damn thing:

“Omg, it was SO awesome! It was over in like 4 seconds and I could see everything clearly when I sat up! I could even read my alarm clock for the first time in years. Also, my sex life is better than yours, and my hairstyle makes yours look like rat shit on a plate!”
Right, so thus I’m here to tell you what it’s really like in a brief piece called…
Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK:

1. It hurts like a mofo.
Yeah, yeah, they give you a Valium, and yeah they drop shit in your eyes to numb them, but first, they use some instrument to pressurize your fucking eye. YES. And it HURTS. And your vision fades to black. Then, panic ensues. It was at this point in which I completely wigged out and tried to run away. They held me down though, so at least I got it finished.

2. Everyone can watch your procedure.
Uh huh. Like when you shriek and thrash and attempt to flee, your mom is standing out there trying to take video of it and laughing.

3. You totally can’t see for like, evAR.
I’m not bitching tooooo much because I went from 20/800 to 20/40, but as far as being miraculously able to see everything right away? Not so much. I’m still farsighted at the moment, which makes working at a computer all day oodles of fun. It’s better every day and supposedly will continue to imporve, but still wicked on the headache factor.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK. Stay tuned as I heal up and find out more exciting heinousness.

Eye Socket to Me!

2008-09-10T13:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I had the LASIK consultation. I busted in, took out my contacts, and stumbled around trying not to run screaming out of there while they probed me and scared the living tits out of me (a difficult feat, being as I have none) by telling me all the gory details about the surgery. Then they showed me a video. Cuz you know, nothing makes you want to sign up to have your eyes sliced open than a graphic documentary of someone else’s gooey, sick, gelatinous cornea being zapped.

I sat there in a tightly coiled ball, ready to spring from the chair, straight out the window until I met The Coolest Nurse EvAR who totally talked me off the ledge. She told me about how I would feel during the procedure, which is what I needed to know, because the hideous part for me is not the minimal chance of a complication, but having my eyelids propped open with like, toothpicks and staying conscious while bitches are cutting on my eyes.

Anyway, she helped me picture what how it was gonna go down, and kindly informed me that I would be given a Valium. From what I hear, after I pop that bad boy, I won’t give a flying shit through a rolling doughnut about what they do to my eyeballs. Whee!

Hooray for Elective Surgery!

2008-08-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

My eyeballs are ruining my life. I'm so tired of dicking around with correcting my shitty vision. I've worn glasses since I was in 2nd grade and contacts since I was in 6th. I think I deserve a fricking break here.

The catalyst was taking my glasses to the eye docta to have them bent back into shape after a drunken smashing accident, and of course, the minute I got home and put them on, they snapped right in fucking half. (Um, and what's up with things exploding upon my person as soon as I try to wear them? I'm secretly concerned that it could be my hawtness that causes items that would normally cover my beauteous features to burst…)

I don't know. Maybe this is my sign to throw my nuts onto the table and go get LASIK. I'm just scared because while contacts suck more balls than Sienna Miller, they sure beat being completely blind or having gross halos everywhere. And plus, there is still the whole apocalypse thing. When that shit goes down, I'm hosed and essentially blind. Even in the short-term, if someone broke into my house to mutilate me, I couldn't see to kill them in the face/run away. And I guess if I did go completely blind, it wouldn't be all bad 'cuz I could just drape myself in velvet and not give a shit.

What do you think?

When the Annihilatrix Booshes the World

2008-08-12T13:20:00.001-05:00

I have recently found myself thinking about the apocalypse…with eager glee. Like, wouldn't it be great for humanity to be thinned out a little? Just the idiots who rape babies, act like ignorant dickholes in movie theaters, and otherwise fail to function in civilized society. I blame Max Brooks for my current obsession with this subject, but I also terrorist fist bump him for bringing it up because it's always good to be prepared, right?

Prior to the day of reckoning (provided that the planet is still inhabitable etc. etc.), I've decided that I need to get the following shit together:

1.) Learn how to use a gun without accidentally killing Dan in the face

2.) Learn to make my own beer

3.) Get a cat carrier like the ones you strap to your chest and put babies in (cuz NO, I'm not leaving Burtie behind)

4.) Get Lasik, or else like I'm really toast

5.) Learn to make/collect clean water

6.) Memorize the local terrain so I can get to safety (i.e. Ronald and DaNelle's cuz you know those bitches will pwn Judgment Day, then produce beautiful spawn which will lead collective humanity back to some semblance of order someday)

7.) Get a serious survival kit

8.) Cultivate a useful trade for post-apocalyptic society, cuz while I am indeed a brilliant tech writer, I don't foresee the need for software manuals so much as like food and shelter

What kinds of end-of-the-world-trade are you hos going to pursue?

Letters of Angst: Part Murder Was the Cayse That They Gayve Me

2008-07-30T14:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Lurkey Co-workers,
Why? Why you gotta camp RIGHT outside the World’s Best Shittin’ Bathroom to eat your lunch? Then stare at me like I had just crapped out your whole family when I give up trying to wait you out like 20 min later? Dude, it’s hard enough for me to poo in public without you chatting right outside the goddamn door at Organ of Corti-shattering volumes, but then you make me do the walk of shit shame and you don’t even bother to act like you’re not horrified. Don’t you know it’s common courtesy to pretend like you don’t KNOW what was going on in there? God.
Disgruntles viscera,
Summie

Dear You Tube D-Bags,
You grossly underestimate how much I DO NOT want to hear you sing along with any given song. Like, what do you think is gonna happen from this? That Beck will be Googling himself and see your stupid gay video that you made of yourself sitting at your computer and shrieking “Debra” and think, dang. That girl is amazing. I should bone her? Or maybe you think someone will see it and think you’re amazing and want to bone you as you sign a record deal? Gross! Gross, gross, gross! Like, be productive and go do Karaoke! Or kill yourself! Just stop that stupid shit.
Disdainfully,
Summie

Dear Beast Master,
You pussy. Seriously. One time, the other cat Piper accidentally got shut in a closet for four days and did she piss herself? No. I got home from the trip, heard her yowl, let her out and she furiously bee-lined it for the litter box. But you. YOU. You wander your skinny ass into the closet and get locked in for four HOURS and piss on EVERYTHING in site. Like, dude, I had no idea you could hold that kind of volume in your tiny mass. So I kind of hate you right now and am so tired of drowning in a sea of cat urine that I’m about to skin all of you bitches and wear you as adorable hats/earmuffs.
Febreeze,
Mommy

Bathing Suits are Stupid, Lame

2008-07-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'm pissed. PISSED! I bought a brand new bikini for this summer, and it was all cute and red and like straight out of my mom's bathing suit selection circa 1986. A-fricking-dorable. I wear the thing twice, and the piece of shit breaks. Like I'm sitting there shoveling a perfectly grilled hot dog into my face and I hear a POP as the bra clasp snapped. Fortunately, I had a tank top on, so at least there was no Girls Gone Wild.

So I'm like fuck, but oh well because I have a backup bathing suit. I go put that fucker on, spend 3 whole seconds in it, and one of the plastic rings on the bottoms exploded. It was like Hiroshima in my pants. Thank god there were no innocent bystanders to A.) get blinded by my pale ass and/or B.) get killed in the face by bikini shrapnel.

And what really pisses me off is that like I'm not even gloriously fat and destroying bathing suits with my delicious big ass. They're just shittily made fake underwear that cost $40. Ug, so now I'm left having to buy yet ANOTHER bikini, which is about as much fun as killing then boiling your own pets.

God damn it.

A Walk Down Memory Pain

2008-07-11T16:23:00.002-05:00

How I missed this episode, I'll never know because this was my first two years of high school:

Not only did I totally sit in candle lit rooms, listening to Nine Inch Nails, and wearing torn fishnets, but I had that same god damn notebook full of angsty poetry. And the Denny's thing?! Oh my GOD. We LIVED in that hellhole! Drinking coffee and smoking cloves and ruining poor waitresses lives. Ahh, those were such good times!

And now, I go into Hot Topic because I wish I wasn't so old and decrepit that I could still wear pleather and skulls, and all these little clerk dicks look at me like what the hell are YOU doing in here? And I want to say, listen here, whipper snapper! I was Goth before there ever was even a thought of a national corporate conglomerate in every mall selling this awesome crap, so quit eying me in my Ann Taylor or I'll smear your adorable eyeliner! Bitches!

So, who wants to relive those moments with me and have a Goth party?! 'Cuz believe me when I tell you that I still own all of that shit... :)

Happy Fun Time Party

2008-07-07T13:46:00.001-05:00

I made you a pretty!

Nightmare on Blonde Street:

Now it's your turn. I hear if you play along, Megan Fox will appear and give you a happy ending...

What the Shit?!

2008-07-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

For some reason, this makes me feel hella carsick:

Maybe it’s something to do with me being unable to reconcile my own happy childhood memories of carrying around my favorite stuffed bunny until she was hideously deformed and missing an eye, with someone else’s desire to just like, bend their bunny’s legs over its head and fuck it. In every orifice. And put tits on it.

Like, how many times do you have to get finger-banged by your relatives as a child to make you want to jerk off in the soulless, tainted, fluffy guts of a hyper-sexualized rabbit as an adult? I mean, I guess at least these people are banging fake animals instead of real animals, but FUCK. How frickin' terrible is it when that's the best thing I can come up with to say about a person?

Grodie!!

Why T?

2008-06-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

I come from a long distinguished line of White Trash, so don’t think I’m knockin’ it all that hard, but like there comes a point that you need to look at yourself and say – hmm. Have I taken this just a little too far?

Case in point: camping last weekend. Now nothing should make us WT feel more comfortable than being in our native environment of the Ozarks, but that does absofuckinglutely not excuse us from waking up after a long night of binge drinking at 6:30AM and playing that goddamn ooooooooooh waaa aaaah aaah aaah song at full volume on repeat until the entire camp is awake and furiously hung over. Nor does it excuse you from deliberately and drunkenly splashing me while I’m sitting and likely peeing in a lawn chair that I’ve sat in the river, and drinking my fucking Natty Light. I do NOT want to get pisswater in my beer, so back the shit off, Junior. And yes, I have a blood relative named Junior. Not like, William Jr. Just Junior. So I feel that I am more forgiving than most on this subject and still would twist this guy’s head off like a buck-toothed Ken doll.

Just because we’re White Trash doesn’t mean we need to be intrusive dicks about it. This is about all of us White-T uniting in peace and harmony, and boobs, and mullets, and lake beer. I have a dream…

Interactive Fun Time and YES this is FUN, Damn it.

2008-06-17T16:09:00.000-05:00

This is so much frickin' friggity fun that if you don't feel compelled to participate, you are a pulseless playa hata! Srsly, like, it's so money that I couldn't even come up with it myself.

Just add a caption and post below, then a magical fairy will appear and grant you naps. Hoorays! Now, prepare to be amazed by...

Family Circus: Linda Blair Edition

Best Weekend EVAR!!!

2008-06-09T09:34:00.001-05:00

My weekend was a sea of bad hair, lukewarm beer, and badass shows.

I present to you:

Summie’s KickMore Ass than a Ninja Cage Fighter on Roids Weekend: The Vicarious Edition

Friday, Lizzard and I were The Only Adults Sans Children to attend Walking with Dinosaurs. And of course, we were half lit and cussing like whoa, so I’m sure we taught some chitlins a few new words. Hee hee.

Then we finished our night basking in the lounge glory that is Al Lotta and his unbelievable toupee.

Saturday, Nellorz and I got our faces rawked off by Scott “Oh My God, so Fricking HOT” Weiland at Rockfest. Even though, you know, he’s gonna die like any minute what with the heroin addiction and all. BUT, Stone Temple Pilots was absolutely amazing and we danced and screamed and jumped around, and I even peed myself a little (just a LITTLE) when they played Down. MONEY!

I couldn’t secure any video of the mullets and grotesque sunburns we saw everywhere, but I can assure you that you never ever want to see the tan lines of a white trash dude’s wife beater after he’s taken it off too late and thus overemphasized his man nips with their stank white contrast. So, uh. You’re welcome.

People are Stupid

2008-06-06T13:12:00.001-05:00

I’ve been meaning to blog about this for like evAR, but I’m entirely too busy and important to keep up with my offensive commentary on current events (read: playing World of Warcraft.) Anywho, let’s talk about this guy.

First of all, what do you MEAN nobody suspected that this asshat was a psychotic, incestuous, freak of a rapist? Every motherfucker that does creepy shit like that looks exactly like this guy:

Crazy pube hair? Check. Dead-terrifying-shark-eyes? Check. Child molester facial hair? Check! How the ass did you not see this coming?! Just looking at his picture makes me feel carsick because I can tell he’s a perv! Can you imagine living next to him, or worse…MARRYING him?!

Which leads me to my second incredulity; do you really expect me to believe that you had no idea that this sick asshole had a dungeon? What, he tells you not to go to the basement and so you just like, don’t? Dude, if my hubby told me to stay out of the basement, the first thing I’d do is to go straight downstairs and see what the hell he’s hiding. But then again, I would never marry a dude who has the whole Manson/bin Laden/Ramirez look in their eye because nothing good can come from that. Ever.

And I don’t want to be a huge dick here, but like if I were trapped in a dungeon for 24 years, and my dad was raping me, leaving me with his demon spawn, and threatening me with death if I try to escape…I’d rather go down in a blaze of glory. And yes, you’re right that she has had an entirely different experience than me and is probably fucked up beyond imagination, but I like to think that people have enough nature to overcome nurture and do what’s right. And sometimes that might mean killing the bastard that locks you in a dungeon and rapes you a lot.

And to cleanse the palate of such unpleasantness I bring you a fitting Craption:

Letters of Angst: Part Flour

2008-06-03T09:20:00.005-05:00

Dear Heinous Virtual Coworker,
I totally hate your ass face. Thanks a lot for doing a shitty job of communicating what it is that you need done, then publicly blaming me for fucking it up to everyone and their fricking mother's dog's gay boyfriend. Just seriously learn how to do your job, m'kay? Fill out the request like a big boy, print it off, roll it up, and then you can shove it up your ass.
Sincerely,
Summie
P.S. You suck ballz

Dear Aging,
Fuck you, dude. You are terrible! I used to be able to go out for happy hour and enjoy a cold beer or three without getting so shit-faced that I eat an entire frozen pizza then promptly barf it up. I also used to be able to walk up two flights of stairs without gasping for breath like the god damn fish from the Epic video. And wtf is this with the crows feet shit? God, I hate you.
Kisses,
Summie

Dear Knockout Boy,
You were truly every woman's dream at roller derby on Saturday. Shirtless, beautiful, supporting your kick ass team, and carrying a BABY. And not just any baby, but an adorable one who was dressed as a roller girl and had her own derby name: P-Nut. My uterus is screaming right now.
Love it,
Summie

Who Effing Knew?

2008-05-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

So like, I'm always jealous of peeps that share birthdays with awesome famous people. Namely, Lizzard. Not only is her birthday on 4/20, but she shares it with Hitler and gets to have cute shit like this from MySpace Awards Center:

Well, I just randomly came across a list of famous skanks that were born on March 31st, and I'm sorry to tell you, but it pwns. Guess who was a 3/31 baby...

Christopher Motherfucking Walken, bitches.

HAHA!! I'm so triumphant right now! I finally have a cool one! For like, 27 years, I thought the only pseudo-celeb b-day I had was Rhea Pearlman and like who the crap cares? But now. Now. I am SO stoked to share a birfday with Walken, and other badass shawtys like Ewan McGregor, Al Gore, Cesar Shavez, and Rene Descartes.

Care to share your birthday notables?

Too Many Superlatives for Me to Properly Title This!!!

2008-05-23T13:27:00.004-05:00

This is truly the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my LIFE! I want to DO this! Too bad I didn't stay in contortionist school...

Hooray for Corporate America!!

2008-05-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

God, this makes me happy!

more song chart memes

more song chart memes

more song chart memes

more song chart memes

more song chart memes

more song chart memes

I am...IRON MAN!!!

2008-05-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

I feel it is my duty as a contributing member of this society to tell you that you MUST see Iron Man in the theater. You owe it to yourself as well as the rest of humanity to go forth and enjoy the living shit out of this movie. It is so wheeeeeeee that I actually caught myself shrieking with glee at the movies. And like, nobody around me even cared because we were all so engrossed in the raging kick assery of Robert Downy Jr. and omg, yes…even Gwyneth. I have been kinda meh on her for a while, but she was actually funny! I didn't know this was possible!

I feel like there is something supernatural about this film because all the elements came together so well. I mean, even The Dude is in it! As we were walking out, I turned to Daniel and said, I don't want to sound crazy or anything, but I think this might be the new Mummy. And that, my babies, is a bold statement, because The Mummy is the most fun hokum-adventure movie of all time ever, and we watch it with an unhealthy frequency.

Now keep in mind that it's a Marvel movie, so I'm sure it's not as thought provoking or vagina strangling as the one about the exploration of complex global intersections between Islamic extremists and cat raping. I just know I go to the movies to have fun, not to cry so hard that I have to leave the theater for phear of hyperventilation.

Oh, and plus...Tony Stark is The Uber Hawtness:

Photoshop Phun Time

2008-05-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

What with my recent rage about all these repulsive, bad-receding-hairline-cover-up hair styles and all, that we should bring it back old school and bust out the mullet:

If you wanna play, just superimpose bitches into the picture of these unfortunate souls, or the mulleted ones into other hilarious situations and post it in the comments. If not, you are inferior and my spawn will consume your spawn one day. Bwa ha ha ha!

The Mellets. Large hair never looked so good!

The Hillet. I really feel that this look would help her in the polls.

Ah, I amuse me.

For Lizzard

2008-05-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

Lizzardo,

You have my deepest sympathies on this tragic and sucky day:

I'm sorry that you won't get to motorboat ScarJo's face-punching cleavage now that she's marrying Some Guy I've Never Heard of. You were clearly the better choice what with your superlative butt and superiorly brilliant accomplishments. It's really her loss, dear, and nobody will never forgive her. Unless she shows nipple. Then we'll think about it.

Encouraging (but slightly gropey) pats and condolences,

Summie

No. Oh Dear GOD, Nooooooo!

2008-05-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

It has spread. The plague known as Kylie's 1997 Haircut has reached from its tiny pool of fake-rockers to the vast ocean of legitimate artists! Everybody hide the scissors!

Why, Thom Yorke, why? Why have you done this to me? Here I am, bitching predjudicely about how shitty that haircut is, and like three days later, you do this to me:

Are you mad at me? Or is this because you're kinda balding? Is this the new look for masking the receding hair-line? Because I'm here to tell you that we can all still see it. We can ALWAYS see when you try to hide it.

Don't be ashamed of your hairline, Thom. Go with it! Just say fuck it and shave that shit off! Be proud of your head and display it with the confidence of those that have come before you. Those such as prime alpha male Bruce Willis. Because, dude...bald men are HOT. Like, ragingly-I-wanna-slap-your-head-around deliciously hot.

But whatever you do...don't allow yourself to look like David Cook. Go with Bruce, young one:

Cuddles,
Summie

Things I Don’t Understand: Part Quindici

2008-04-30T12:37:00.001-05:00

What the hell is up with kids these days? I have seriously retreated to my front porch with a cocktail, screaming at bitches to get off my lawn. I keep seeing all these "hot celeb guys" all over my gossip sites and it just sicks me out! Like, who thought over-razored hair and dick-tip-pink lipstick was bangin' on a dude? Who is the motherfucker that started this? How has metrosexualism actually gotten WORSE? Didn't anyone see South Park?!

Boys should be gross and dirty and pale and meaty. I am tits sure that if you tried to make a move on one of these pansies, they'd wig out that their queefstorm hair might get messed up.

I'm just sayin', every one of these dudes has the exact same haircut as this girl I used to work with this girl named Kylie in the late 1990's. Nothing good can come from this.

Apologies in advance for the evidence:

Photoshop Fun Time!

2008-04-27T12:33:00.000-05:00

I've got a bitchin' participatory game for us! If you wanna play, just superimpose bitches into the picture of the week, or the subject into other hilarious situations and post it in the comments.

This week, I give you the ever perfectly facial structured, even when she's making silly faces...

Jake: Tonsilitis

Now, feast your eyes on my Photoshops of Doom!!!

Lil' Jake keepin' it real, son!

The Grudjake. Oh my GOD, I scared the living shit out of myself making this one because we all know The Grudge is out to get me...

And finally, Sir Jake-a-Lot. You otha brothas can't deny!

Your turn!

God Bless Corporate America

2008-04-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

If you had any idea how many soul sucking PowerPoint graphs and Visios I have made, pleading for stakeholders to approve my proposal of how to change stupid and utterly pointless shit in my past, you, too, would throw your head back and cackle with glee at these:

Woooooooooooow

2008-04-08T12:29:00.000-05:00

I know. I know you didn't think it was possible for me to be ever hawter than ever before, but the moment has arrived, bitches.

Hooves, people. I have hooves! And backwards bendy legs! This seriously makes me so happy that I'm afraid I have to now undergo years of painful and expensive cosmetic surgery to achieve this look in daily life. Hooray!!

Any why is it that World of Warcraft so much more awesome than my own life? It’s like crack laced with niccotine and chocolate.

Seriously, y’all. I was having a delightful sketti and meatballs dinner with my fabulous parents, and I kept catching myself thinking, man. I can’t wait to log on and level up my Night Elf tonight.

I’m so getting ready to turn into a translucent, pimply, fat, un-washed uber gamer. I can’t wait!

Grodies Revealed

2008-04-06T12:28:00.002-05:00

My gansta ass balla took me to see the Bodies Revealed exhibit this weekend, and it was pretty cool. I’d give it a 5 on the entertainment scale, only because everyone says that Body Worlds is so much more artistically (and dignifiedly) done, that I think I would brave the mild barfies again to go and see that one instead.

The fetus display was surprisingly my fav, even though I was pretty sure it would sick me out the most. The only part that gave me the wig was all the sliced up shit. They had one dude cut up like a roll of Lifesavers, and I started to feel like I might need to heave up my lunch a little.

Of course it was at this precise moment that Dan decided to make a cheese joke. This would be a good time to note that the treated skin on the bodies looked remarkably like Asiago. And I totally gagged. Like LOUDLY. This only egged him on of course, and so we spent the remainder of our time at the exhibit alternating between making rude gagging noises and giggling.

God, maturity rocks!

Top Five!!!

2008-04-02T12:27:00.001-05:00

Top Five Reasons My New Job Kicks Ass:

5. My boss is fabulous. This chica seriously popped out a kid like 5 minutes ago and is hotter than doughnut grease. Plus, she hired me and actually came in on my first day to welcome me and take me to lunch even though she’s still on maternity. Do you want to bust your ass for this woman, or what?

4. The building is gorgeous and had oodles of exposed brick and crazy awesome skating rink floors. It’s like sunny loft in Power and Light District heaven!

3. My commute is ridiculous. It’s only 5 miles away, bitches. I can SO take the bus and have uncomfortable staring matches with the hair tokin’ hippies.

2. I sit right across from Cory. I can SO throw shit over the wall and have uncomfortable staring matches with everyone’s favorite hippie!

1. It’s not my old company. OMG, it’s so far from it, I feel like I’m having culture shock for cereal! The people are so laid back and genuinely happy, and my team is recognized and valued within the company. I did my first project today, and my teammate told me what a good job I did. I was so taken aback at being praised for my work that I felt like I fell into a bucket of tits and came out sucking my thumb. Positive reinforcement…Can you imagine??!? God, I’m so stoked!

I Made a Caturday

2008-03-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

Hunter Lather

2008-03-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

I often like to think about what it would be like if we were all suddenly transported back to hunter-gatherer times. You know, when people had to fight to survive, contribute to the greater good of the community, and generally be productive members of society.

I usually indulge in this daydream while trying to enjoy a movie at the theater, and some creephole is talking/eating/texting loudly during a film that I paid $12 freaking dollars to watch. Listen here, twat. You would have to pay ME to listen to your insipid teeny-bopper conversations, so shut. The hell. UP. Oh my God. I should kick the living crap out of you. Twice!

Gaah! And it’s so unfair to me that I would be the one to get in trouble for beating the sanchez out of these rude asses. Like, I am just trying to restore social order here. They are the ones that can’t function in public.

Throughout like every other time in humanity, some awesome alpha would have pwned a d-bag like that for being so disruptive. And as a result, everyone else would be able to continue enjoying themselves, applaud and possibly reward said alpha with gratuitous nookie, and other potential d-bags would watch this vicious beating take place and think, dang. I guess I better shut the eff up, huh?

Stupid modern laws.

Home Depot Dismemberment

2008-03-25T12:24:00.000-05:00

Nelle and I went to buy some gorgeous kitchen paint at Home Depot the other day, which should be a completely uneventful story, except for that I almost amputated my own fingers while carrying the stupid gallons of paint around by their poorly engineered handles. My paws seriously turned purple, y’all. PURPLE! I know, right?! That’s like the most embarrassing possible way lose a body part. In fact, I’m embarrassed that I even just told you.

The only way I’d want to have my fingers lopped is because I like, reached into the jaws of a bull shark to save a baby. Or better yet, became an amputee at the hands of another amputee. Which is impossible, you see.

Heh heh heh.

New Giggity

2008-03-22T12:23:00.000-05:00

So as you have probably heard by now, I have a new job!!! I’m so excited, I just sharted a little.

Of course, my former company helped to loosen my bowels during my exit interview when the HR partner morphed from unassuming and lispy into Samuel L. Jackson upon telling me that she knew I had been applying for other jobs. She even quoted a personal e-mail in which I said I was happy to job hunt on their dime…from memory. Can you say terrifying?!?!

Um, so wow, am I grateful as hell to be moving to a new company, not only to get back into writing and to work for a boss that’s so superfly, she hired me whilst home on maternity leave, but also because I’m pretty much over chillin’ in 1984. I did that once, and I was entirely too adorable to keep tabs on. Behold:

Wish me luck babies…I start on April 1st and can’t freaking wait!!!

Parasitic Pets

2008-03-17T12:22:00.000-05:00

My pets are repulsive. I present to you exhibit A:

I mean, what the hizzy?

They fricking opened the top cabinet, knocked down the bag of food, ripped it open and feasted. Had the carnage ended there, I might have just been impressed that Beast (most likely) is such a smarty that he Octagoned that shit outta there.

But of course, but it doesn’t end there. They totally GORGED themselves, vomited it all back up, and gorged themselves some more. Seriously, y’all, it was like a damn sorority house in here. There was a trail of orange cat spew all the way upstairs to the toilet, where some dumbass tried to drink water, then hacked up watery barf all over Dan’s shatter books.

I’m so getting a dog.

Bronze Tongued

2008-03-13T12:22:00.001-05:00

Why is it that you only think of something badass to say after someone gets in your face?! Today, my bastard neighbor confronted me in the driveway to ask if I was mad at them. You know, cuz we’re in sixth grade, evidently.

Then he proceeded to spin some bullshit story about how it wasn’t them that yelled at me, but the across the street neighbor. Right…like I can’t remember the douche that slammed a door in my face. I just wish so badly that I hadn’t dorked out and been all, "oh, hi, um hum hum hum!" And instead said something cool like:

Wow. It only took your fat ass three months to finally sac up and say something to me?

Dude, I’m blonde, not blind.

Oh, I’m not mad. I just mutilated your dogs out of neighborly love.

I’d rather get fucked up the ass with my own cat than have this conversation.

Hmm, I think I hear something. Is that…is that a dick dribbling I hear? Why yes! Yes, it is!

Hey, aren’t you that guy that made that Bowling for Columbine movie?

HELP! HELP!! *runs away*

Even if I believed the bold faced lie that it wasn’t you guys, why would I ever be cool with people that stood by and watched a man harass a couple of girls without intervening?

Have we met?

I once killed a man who looked exactly like you.

The real question here, bitch tits, is if my friend Ronald is mad at you...

Is that vagina mayonnaise I smell? You should really wash your cooch.

What wicked stuff would you bitches have said?

Letters of Gangst

2008-03-10T12:21:00.002-05:00

Dear Winter,
Shut the fuck up. You’re terrible and I wish you to go away and never come back. Until X-mas eve…then you can snow and be pretty, but come December 26th, begone!
Frozen tits,
Summie

Dear Job,
Oh my GOD I hate you so much. I often wish I could choose between being slowly tortured by Katan dolls and attending nine hours of useless boredom where I try not to gouge out my eyes just to have something to do. I can’t wait to give you the finger, you stupid skank!
Yawns,
Summie

Dear Jake,
Dude, you just seriously gave birth to the most adorable baby girl EVER. She’s fricking precious and beautiful and now I totally want one. Like,OMG BAD. But in a good way. Cuz I’m totally gonna get married first so I can get trashed at my future wedding someday. Anywho, I’m for realz stoked for you and just want to single-white-female you even more with the newest Preu addition.
Uterus aches,
Summie

I So Wish My Job Was Doing This All Day

2008-03-06T12:20:00.000-06:00

God, I love superimposing people into pictures!

Letters of Angst

2008-02-29T12:19:00.002-06:00

Dear Corporate Properties Department,
Hi. So I know you’re all a bunch of dudes, and rarely have an occasion to come into the ladies’ room (except for those times that I’m sure y’all have to come in to like, change the camera angles) and so you don’t probably realize how motherfucking cold it is in there. Allow me to illuminate you. When I need to drop a deuce, the last thing I want to worry about is getting frostbite on my ass cheeks. It’s the middle of winter for clit’s sake! Turn the air conditioning off already!
Freezer burn,
Summie

Dear Dan,
You are so hot, it hurts me. That being said, you know how we have a dishwasher? Yeah, I know! Modern technology truly is amazing! However, there are still advances to be made in the field of automatic dishwasher engineering. For instance, there is currently no feature that levitates the gross dirty dish that you just set on the counter, like four inches above it, into the rack. So please, throw mama a frickin’ bone here and load the damn dishwasher, baby.
Domestic violence,
Summie

Dear Belly Button Piercing,
Screw you. You were a terrible idea and now I’m totally fucked on taking the ring out because you left such a disgusting scar. It for realz looks like I have two bellybuttons. You can suck my balls for being legal to do at the tender age of 18. Don’t you know that 18 year olds are retards and have no business making body-altering decisions.
Hole punches,
Summie

Eugenix

2008-02-26T12:16:00.000-06:00

Genealogy rocks. Ok, well maybe it's totally lame, but I'm on this inexplicable kick to find all of my ancestors as humanly possible.

It's funny though because the process you have to use to find your gene pool bitches is to look by the daddy's last name. This seems pretty retarded to me because like, we all KNOW who the mama is…but daddy can be, how shall I put this delicately? Uh, the damn medicine man! So here I am pouring over this huge volume of information when maybe my bloodline doesn't really go all the way back to King James of Scotland (which clearly, it totally does) and maybe instead goes to Vlad the Impaler. Which would pwn, actually.

Which leads me to my most grotesque line of thinking; holy shit! What if I find out like, Dan and I are somehow related? I mean I'm just sayin, one time I accidentally went on a blind date with a dude who turned out to be my second cousin, which was largely hot, but, you know. Incestuous.

So on that disturbing note, I leave you with photos of the superior genes that produced such a magnificent specimen of humanity such as myself.

(And possibly my boyfriend. Mmmm oooooh yeaaaaah! )

Maternal great-great grandparents (and random mooch) chugging moonshine:
Note the fancy necklace with the easy-access hole in her dress combo. Now you see where I get my fashion sense and alcoholism. Tee hee!

Paternal great-uncle, Great-Grandpa and Grandpa being all great and pimp-like on 18th and Brookelyn in KC, MO. You know, before it was the ghetto:

Maternal great-grandparents working the super cereal serious faces:

Grandma Toni bringin' sexy back to tha chicken coop:

Ma with her adorable giant hair and Pa bustin' out the 5-0:

It's a wonder I haven't set my own face on fire with all this hawtness flowing through my veins.

Blechhh!!

2008-02-22T12:14:00.000-06:00

GROSS! Sick sick sick!

This makes me want to barf up a teaspoon of burning bile into my own mouth to scald out the shame. Seriously, y’all; why is it that only hideous celebrities make sex tapes?! Why can’t it ever be Scarlett Johansson or like, Johnny Depp? (Uh, both featuring ME, while we’re wishing in one hand and shitting in the other…)

Oh, and nice flip flops, skank. But I guess I, too, would have to leave on all possible rubber protection. Hell, I would require a HazMat® suit and a preemptive tracheal intubation to even think about French kissing Gene Simmons, cuz I’m pretty sure he’s the spawn of an unholy three-way with a proboscis, a wild boar, and a fringy leather jacket.

I think Jake expertly summed it up when she said:

"When I see him in interviews today, he repulses me like a blow pop found under the benches at a roller skating rink, covered in hair and lint from 1983."

I couldn’t agree more. :D

P.P.S.

2008-02-12T12:13:00.000-06:00

So I was on a conference call, right? And the call leader decided to give us five minutes to read over something lame, and so we were sitting in silence with our phones on speaker. We were all working from home because of the sucky roads, so I was on the couch festering in my blankies, when Dan chose this totally opportune time to bust downstairs from his office/lair. He snaked over to me and greeted me with one of my many bizarre nicknames, "Poo Poo Symptom!" Loudly. Oh my GOD it was louder than whale exploding.

I slapped at the phone, hit mute and shrieked, DUDE! I’m on mothereffing speaker! And we totally laughed like 3rd graders. I only wish the bitches on the phone would have shared in the giggle, but they just sat in uncomfortable silence. Hee hee!

Ahh, professionalism rocks socks.

Wheelchair Rebecca

2008-02-01T12:12:00.001-06:00

An oldie, but a goodie. I can’t ever decide which is my favorite, but I think today, I’m leaning towards the "horse" explanation. I can’t wait to do this shit to my kids!!

Wheelchair Rebecca

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Extreme Humor | Truly Shocking

Save Me

2008-01-27T12:11:00.001-06:00

Somebody, please, for the love of fuck, kidnap me. Call in and make a Cloverfield moster threat. Anything to get me outta here!

All day, I sit in classes I've already taken. I listen to self-important idiots fellate themselves on their drinking of the Kool-aid. Seriously, y'all. One of them is this freak of nature with the Hugest Man-Ass in North America, only with this face:

Are you with me yet on how much I want to stab out my eyes? So if you hear of anything open for a tech writer, please. Let the hiring manager know that I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose and pass along my resume.

I Got Laid…

2008-01-15T12:10:00.001-06:00

Laid off that is! ;)

It was a huge surprise to get shit canned yesterday, but you know, who cares, really. I have taken more impressive shits than the job I had, and plus, my boss was a pig of a man with bitch tits and peg-like teeth. *shudders* So no real loss anyway.

The good news is that even though they eliminated my position, I am one of the "lucky ones" who was offered another job in a different department in lieu of a severance package. I'm so gonna show up to this new job on Monday with a smile on my face and an buttload of other companies to contact. I'm more than happy to job-hunt on their dime!

PWNED

2008-01-11T12:09:00.000-06:00

I was minding my own business in the parking lot this morning, walking from my car to my work building, when I slipped on a patch of ice and FELL ON MY FUCKING FACE. Like, in front of an entire audience of people! I was skating around on my fat belly like a goddamn penguin and they were all, *gasp* are you ok? And I was all, shut the fuck up, you hags! Way to draw attention to me totally getting pwned by the ice! Can’t you just pretend like you didn’t just see me eat it?

So I had to bust out the Workman’s Comp and make sure I didn’t super-fuck up my wrist, and spent the better part of the morning with the dredges of society who were being drug tested and smelling of old bar and mullet. Oh well, at least it’s just a minor sprain, but it still hurts like a bitch, and I’m typing one-handed so it doesn’t explode. Hoo-fucking-ray. At least I still have my dignity. Kinda.

Letters from the Airport

2007-12-29T12:08:00.000-06:00

Letters from the Airport

Dear Passenger "Tits,"
Wow. Your rack is amazing. I mean, I haven’t even bothered to look at the monitor to watch the progression of my flight’s perpetual delays because you keep leaning forward and gesturing. While I covet your huge, buoyant cleavage, I’m mostly happy for you that you know how fucking kick ass your tits are.
Thanks for the pleasant airport distraction, G!
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade

Dear Passenger "Drop Out,"
Are you serious? You actually dropped out of high school?! Who the fuck does that in this day and age? Don’t you have enough access to modern communication to realize what a retard move that is? And you actually told the girl with the giant jubblies this, like it’s going to impress her? Oh my GOD. There is no amount of telling a chick "I’ll so be snowboarding tomorrow" that is ever gonna redeem you if you can’t even hold it together to get through fricking high school.
Best of luck being a dirty, uneducated drain upon society,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade

Dear Passengers "Ma and Pa Spears,"
Your kid is cute. She is a tiny and adorable little sponge desperately seeking your guidance and instruction on how to behave on an airplane. While you two were busy plugging in your iPods and computers to ignore your child, she spent the better part of an hour kicking the living shit out of the back of my chair. You guys are dicks and need to quit neglecting your spawn. And while you’re at it, please stop baby talking her in that gay wavering voice that’s ten times too loud. She’s like four and way too old for that shit.
Hope your kid doesn’t turn out worse than Lindsay Lohan,
Your Disgruntled Airplane Comrade

Dear Passenger "BlueTooth,"
What the fuck?! Did you really just growl? Like, out loud? Oh my GOD, you just did it again! You straight up just yelled out loud about how much you hate AirTran and then bared your teeth to growl at the rest of us in line behind you! This is amazing. You don’t even look like a growler. You look like a fat, balding college professor type!
Wow. That was pretty cool, dude; the way you just hollered about how much you loathe Chicago and everyone from there. That’s a sure way to make some friends and have people think you’re super awesome. And telling the huge Jason-Bourne-lookin’ guy next to me that he "better not screw with you" is probably the best idea you’ve had today. Aww, hey! Wait! Why did you stop bellowing and growling like a lunatic? Was it because the police just showed up and are staring at you with their hands on their weapons? Gee, whatever could have caused them to react to you in such a way in a motherfucking airport? Hmm.
Try some Xanax sometime or better yet, some Cyanide you freak,
Your Disgruntled Airport Comrade

I Just Can’t Get You Out of My Head

2007-12-09T12:07:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know I should just let this neighbor thing go, but Jesus crap, I’m still so wigged out by how evil that dick was that I can’t stop plotting revenge! So, being as I might as well just get this out of my system, I invite you all to help me come up with ways to out-crazy the crazies next door. (Don’t worry, there’s a slim chance I’d actually do anything to them except for deny them the awesomeness of my company, but it makes me feel better to think about pwning them for being so cruel.) Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Put empty cans of rat poisoning all over the side of the house closest to theirs as a warning that their yappy ass dogs are not welcome on my lawn.

Make really good friends with all the other neighbors so that they like me best and invite me to all the fun parties and not them.

Find out how much of the shared drive we really own, then put up a fence on our side so that NOBODY can use it. Mwa ha ha!

Plant nothing but invasive weeds in my side of the garden, thereby destroying their side and totally infuriating the horticulturalist of the pair.

Plant drugs all over their house and call the cops. JoeRogie, I’m pretty sure you have a flawless idea how to make this happen, but can’t remember how it goes…

Bake lovely muffins and doggie treats laced with extra strength laxatives and deliver with an apologetic note saying, "So sorry we got off on the wrong foot!"

But what I really want to do is have them witness me do something so fucking creepy that they are too scared to ever say shit to me ever again. The best thing I can think of is to bring out my inner Voodoo priestess and slaughter a chicken in front of them whilst chanting "Damballah, Damballah, Damballah wedo" and dousing myself and the new house in fowl blood. Then, I’d make sure to periodically sprinkle feathers in their lawn as a terrifying reminder of what I’m capable of.

What else could I do in front of them to freak them the fuck out?

Wow. That Sure Ended Fast.

2007-12-06T12:06:00.000-06:00

I can’t believe I’m saying this so soon, but today was such a hideous icky, suck butt day. I know! After all the glory that was last week, someone flung poo at the record player and made the music skip.

I spent the entire day freezing my labes off in the fabulous new house. This would have been much more tits if the heat had been on, but long story short, I had to wait around for nine effing cold ass hours for the gas and water bitches to turn shit on. So not only that, but I didn’t have food, and could hit the hizz because no water means no flushies.

As if that suckiness weren’t enough, my sister and I were completely brutalized by my new neighbor. She stopped by to drop off some lunch for me and pulled into the shared drive. It’s the first time she’d been there, and it was snowing, so it wasn’t easy to tell what the driveway situation was. Regardless, the neighbor comes home, pulls his car over in the middle of the street and gets out to come bang on the door to tell me how rude I am to park there. We were so shocked at the way he attacked me, my sister and I just began to apologize and hurry to move her car, when he says, "I don’t want even want to hear about it, honey." And slams my door in my face. Then, he screams at my sister the entire way to her car saying "Yeah, of course you didn’t realize. Welcome to the fucking neighborhood."

What. The. Fuck.

How is that someone’s first reaction? How does someone reach the conclusion that that kind of behavior is acceptable? If this were the tenth time I’d blocked his driveway, I could understand a polite knock on the door to ask me to move, but to yell at us like we had just slit his stupid yappy Shitzu’s throat over such a small incident?! Man, makes me wish I’d done something awesome enough to merit being screamed at. Maybe I should kill his dog. And boil it. You know, just to see what happens.

Best Week Evarrr

2007-12-04T12:06:00.000-06:00

This last week has been so righteous that I’m kind of exhausted from all the kick-assery. I put up Christmas lights, took a lazy vacation day, found a real home for the rescue kitty, sent off one of my best drinkin’ buddies into the wild yonder of a new company, met some new friends, AND let’s not forget that I fucking sang with Poradova, which to date is The Coolest Thing That’s Ever Happened to Me.

But today. Today is the day that my gorgeous beast of a man gave me my key to the NEW TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS HOWSE! Oh my good GAWD, y’all. I am beside myself. I would post a picture of it, but then you’d all probably stalk me and mutilate my body whilst raping it, so I’ll have to let you imagine how fricking gorgeous and amazing it is. I’m gonna have a real porch, bitches! Ok, I’m hyperventilating and must go lie down now, but please, marinate in my good chi!! I’m happy to share.

Pitch + Poradova = LOVE!!!

2007-11-23T12:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, so this may not give y’all Osco Syndrome like it does me, but I’m here to say that Poradova is number one on my Best Discoveries of the Year list.

What’s more exciting, is that The Pitch totally knows how much ass they kick!! Plus, they all but took a crap on the chests of other bands that were reviewed in the same article. Hooray!

I’ve posted the highlights below, but you can hook yourself up phat with the full article here:

Ladies’ Night: A local showcase at the Hurricane brings out four female-fronted bands.
By Crystal K. Wiebe, November 22, 2007
The problem with a lot of events and magazine spreads devoted to Women Who Rock! is the underlying prejudice that a woman rocking is somehow novel.

There’s no question that the music industry remains male-dominated, from the guys in suits to the guys at the mic. And that’s reflected on the radio, on TV and in print. But don’t let the legions of dude rockers fool you. Women everywhere shred, scream, beat drums, pound keyboards and sing in the name of rock and roll.

Talented, attractive and authoritative, Poradova frontwoman Sarahjill Bricker is the kind of singer who can make everything else disappear. She had the crowd’s full attention with her soundcheck: a rapid-fire bark of "Check! Check! Check!" followed by a strum-along to a Pixies song that happened to be playing through the PA.

Whereas other performers just stared in helpless frustration at the entry through which the offending hip-hop streamed all night, Bricker shouted, "Shut the door!" and someone scrambled to do it.

Backed by a rotating cast of two guitarists and a couple of drummers, Bricker played keyboard and acoustic guitar. Her blues-tinged notes slid all over the scale in a way that evoked Tori Amos. The end of the set included a rocked-out rendition of Dolly Parton’s "Jolene" and the Pixies song that Bricker teased us with earlier, "Where Is My Mind."

Having to follow that would intimidate any self-respecting musician, and next-in-line Abigail Murphy did appear tense during her band’s prolonged setup...

Things I Don’t Understand: Part 441

2007-11-20T12:01:00.000-06:00

Child actors make me want to vomit. All over myself. Like Saturday Night Live kind of barf. They are always smiling overzealously, then fucking shit up. Gaah! Exhibit A: The spooky ass kid on Heroes.

I mean, if this kid isn’t getting ready to unhinge her jaw and eat me whole, then I’m your mom. So in searching for video on You Tube to show you bitches just how truly terrifying she is, I found this:

What. The. FUCK? Is it just me, or is it extremely creepy that someone sat down, edited this clip, and put a douchey song to it? And oh my god, there are like 50 of these. All to the same weird little kid and her man pals. Why? Why do they do this?

I have to go lie down and feel dirty now.

Whoops.

2007-11-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gotten kinda drunk and like, forgotten your audience? Say, for instance, you’re playing a friendly round of "I Never" and pose the following truth: I’ve never banged three or more people at this table. In front of your sig other. And they DRINK.

Evidently, I did something similar during a particularly rowdy night out. Somebody brought up this girl that I just can’t stand and I completely went off on a melodramatic rant. Viciously. Like, "Oh my god, I hate her ass, she is such a troll. I mean, seriously, she has sick cankles and most closely resembles Teddy Ruxpin. I want to rip off her face and eat it with salsa!" All of this and more...in front of her best friend.

What’s even more awesome, is that I totally forgot that this even happened and had to be told later what a huge dick I was. Tee hee! Oops. But whatever. I wish I had been more subtle in front of the bitch’s friend, but lemme just tell you something. If someone said even a fraction of what I let loose about my best friend, I would have smeared their ass all over the bar. So I stand by it and say fuck it! Hooray!

News Grodies

2007-11-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

So yeah, I’m a sick fuck, we all know this. But like, even I disturbed myself yesterday. You know when you see like, roadkill or something hideous, but you can’t look away? Yeah, it was way worse than that.

It started innocently enough when I found a fascinating article about a little girl in India, who is the most adorable child ever, and was unfortunately born with a parasitic conjoined twin. Um, so like, she had four arms and four legs, which is cool, but even COOLER is that she was freaking born on the day of celebration of Hindu goddess of the same name, Lakshmi. Anywho, she just had surgery to remove the twin and is doing fabulously.

This is not the sick part. That shit went down as soon as I continued to read more about the story and inadvertently stumbled across The Most Fucked Up Thing I’ve Ever Heard. It was on a related site, though how this crap could possibly be associated is beyond balls deep. Evidently, some fucked up German dude put out a personals ad seeking a masochist to let him kill, then eat them. And holy sausage tits, somebody answered. And they both ate his penis.

!!!

The worst part? I couldn’t stop reading about it. I was like one of those a-holes that slows down to stare at a car wreck. It was horrible!!!

I have never wanted to be a vegetarian more in my whole life. Swear to God, I was eating a meatball sub and couldn’t finish it because I kept thinking about fried dong. And dude, the picture of the creep! All I can focus on are his dickteeth! Gahhhhhhuuugh!

So I hope you enjoyed that little morsel and that it made you want to hurl in your mouth a little bit too.

Best Cartoon EVAR!

2007-11-05T20:47:00.000-06:00

Lawd, what’s wrong with me for thinking this is so DAMN funny?!!!

UPDATEHalloween!

2007-10-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

***UPDATE***Halloween!
Current mood: depressed

Shit, piss, damn, fuck, y’all. I had an even weirder dream!

In this one, I took off my gorgeous diamond ring that my gorgeous man gave to me on our anniversary and hid it somewhere. From what? Fuck knows. But, dude, when I woke up, I was like, what a gay dream! Ha ha...

Oh, shit.

It wasn’t on my finger. So evidently, I hid it from myself in my sleep. My worst fear is that I "hid" it in the trash, or like, swallowed it. Nothing good can come from that, yo. :o(

Halloween!

2007-10-29T20:24:00.000-05:00

God damn it, I love Halloween. I love the weather, the ghosties, black cats, and slutty costumes everywhere. We went out last Friday to celebrate my favorite holiday, and oh my GOD, there was more pancake ass and camel toe than Road House. It was outstanding!

Another awesome thing about Halloween is the spookies. This is considered the time of year when the veil between the material world and the spirit world is at its thinnest. Supposedly, this causes us to have some pretty wicked dreams and Grudge-like encounters. I'm inclined to believe it, because I've been having crazy ass dreams out the wazz. Last night, I dreamed that I was being swarmed by Asians, and the night before, I had a surreal rape dream in which I decided mid-attack, to totally gross out the rapist so that he'd never rape again. So, I snowballed him. Graphically. Dude, I know. My subconscious is a sick bitch, right?

Ahem. So. Aybody else been having weird dreams?

Unimpacted Anus = BAD

2007-09-24T20:23:00.000-05:00

One of my most favorite hobbies is superimposing people into pictures. I'm sure you've noticed…

This usually involves a Google search for some hilariously funny context picture and then a quick cut and paste in Paint because you know, I do things classy up in here.

The other day, I thought it would be roaringly fun to stick a couple of my bitches into a picture with Borat. So I do my little Google image search and enter Borat, Kazakhstan and scroll through the results. It was the usual four pages of Sexy Time in his neon thong, singing at the rodeo, and OH MY GOD some dude's gaping asshole. Like, a random pornographic butt shot tagged with my search criteria for some reason.

Oh my GOD it was so shocking. Here I am looking for some friendly pictures of Borat, for shit's sake, and I suddenly I'm staring at some dude's large intestine. Like, you could put a can of paint in there. No joke. I was so sicked out, I couldn't even finish my fun photoshop.

But this got me to thinking, wouldn't it be a fun hobby to deliberately label sick pictures with benign and popular text? Like, some poor douche searches for Heroes, Claire and gets a surprise result pic thrown in that's some passed out dude getting tea bagged. Ha ha ha! I'm so doing this! Ideas of fun things to tag?

Return from My Native Homeland

2007-09-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

Wheee! I had SO much freaking fun in southern Oregon! It was sunny, breezy, warm, mountainy, and delightful. Seriously, y'all. If you ever need outstanding booze, check out Oregon's wineries. The Very Best Thing I've Ever Had to Drink in My Entire Life Ever was the Accolade sparkling Chardonnay from LongSword Vinyard.

I drank an entire bottle by myself. And I'm so not the kind of homo that likes to brag about how much I can drink. In fact, I'm a loser lightweight and can get wasted off three beers, and I've totally come to terms with this. I'm telling you about how I cashed a bottle of vino like a squid suckering itself onto a delicious bass to illustrate how fucking kick ass this wine is.

Anywho, I totally thought I'd find my Native American bretheren still in the area. I had all these fantasies about how I'd go volunteer on the reservation and find my long lost cousins. I told my mom this and she snorted and said, "yeah right, like they would ever believe it by looking at you." You know, 'cuz mein kampf. Or whatever. Too bad my tribe turned to casinos long ago and are no longer in the area...evidently.

But rock balls to Oregon! And to outstanding friends! And to wine you totally want to inhale!!!

Things I Don’t Understand: Part 18

2007-09-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

I can never tell which is more gay; dudes that peel out in their hoopdies, or dudes that excessively rev their motorcycles. Every fucking weekend, I hear losers do this shit over and over and over and OVER. It's always about 2AM outside of a bar, which leads me to draw the following conclusions:

a.) They are drunk

b.) I should mutilate them

c.) They are trying to impress chicks

Operating under this assumption, how is it possible that these douche bags ever score? It's the end of the god damn night, they've clearly already struck out, so NOW they're going to broadcast their social value system to any vaginas that might be within earshot? And what exactly are they trying to say? Hi, my penis is tiny and I have to prove this by making a lot of noise with the motorized extension of my microscopic manhood? I'm rude and have no consideration of those around me? I'm dangerous and you would probably die if I could get you drunk enough to ride with me? I can't use my words like a big boy, clone? I know, HOT, right?! Who wouldn't want to reproduce with THAT?!

Jesus ass, people! Grow up! Or at least shut up so I don't have to be punished as a result of your inadequacies as a human being!

Moving is Worse than Leprosy

2007-08-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

Christ, everything hurts. I have discovered muscles I didn't even know existed because they hurt like a mother. I pretty much feel like a pack of wild dogs suddenly grew opposable thumbs and learned to wield baseball bats by beating me like Amy Winehouse. I have ankle splints, for tit's sake!

But at least I'm moved now, thanks to the help of my hoss friends. And lucky us, we got to meet one of my new neighbors, Gladiola. We bumped into her in the hallway that bears an uncanny resemblance to the ones in Stephen King's The Shining as we were hauling all of my crap in. Yeah, she's about 85 and smells like a potpourri basket, but she kicks serious ass and is totally bangin'.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm gonna see a ton of wrinkled old ass at the pool being as I'm one of the three people I've seen so far younger than the Crypt Keeper. But fuck it, right? Because who really wants to sit around in the midst of a bunch of bikinied hard bodies when you could sip mint juleps with catty old bitches whilst wearing enormous sunglasses and turbans? WAY more fun, in my opinion!

Creeptastic

2007-08-22T20:20:00.000-05:00

We've all been the subject of inappropriate flirtation in the workplace at one point or another. Occasionally, it's kind of fun…Especially when it's YOU that's being the lascivious one. Not that I would know anything about that. Mwa ha ha!

What is super not fun is when it's REAL sexual harassment. I used to work with this dude who was SO creepy, that he was clearly not only a rapist, but in fact, was Rape incarnate. He seriously has to cruise in like a big, white van with no windows that he drives around parks and stuff.

One morning, I was minding my own business and getting some gross freeze-dried coffee in the break room, when Pervy McMolester busted in and invaded my personal space per usual to get himself a cup. Swear to god, y'all. He poured the coffee, stuck in a stirry thing, and proceeded to lean down and put his face three inches from my tits and stare back and forth between them as if they were dangling cat toys and he, a fucked up perverted cat.

I wanted to be like, DUDE. It's not that impressive. Fuck off already! But instead, I stood there going UUUuuhhh? as it was happening. It was so shocking, I couldn't even respond to beat him bloody.

The good news is that later, I heard about how he totally pulled his pants all the way down to the floor to take a piss at the urinal. I'm pretty sure that this is for easy raping access so he can turn and stick it up a nearby butt if the moment strikes him, but still, it makes me happy to think that he's totally making an ass out of himself in public bathrooms every day. He deserves it like a mofo.

Things I Don’t Understand: Part 133

2007-08-20T20:19:00.000-05:00

We all know I'm pro homo. I don't discriminate against love of any kind (with the violent exception of nookie that hurts anyone, e.g. child molesters. Clearly, that is not love, but fucked-upness that should be permanently removed from modern society.) (I also hate it that I had to clarify that point right there as if I were somehow linking homosexuality with baby raping, because I am so NOT.) (Heh, have you ever been SO ok with something that you begin to worry about how you are acting, thereby convincing others that you aren't ok with it because you're trying so hard? That totally just happened to me here.)

WOW. Digression. Anywho, something I don't understand is butch lesbians. I know some butchies, and they are fantastic human beings, but when one of these pals joked that she was going to dress up all fem one day, it got me to thinking about why she doesn't do it anyway.

I mean, chicks doll up to attract mates, right? So I think well, damn, bitches. Clearly the objective would be to deck out even more than usual because ladies have a more scrutinizing eye for fashion. Isn't the point to put the naughty on a chica? And if so, shouldn't said girl be…girly?

What is the attraction to a masculinely dressed woman? Isn't the femininity supposed to be the attractive part? Or is it like a Hostess© Cupcake, where there's a surprise in the middle?

I sofa king we tawt Ted.

Chunders

2007-08-13T20:18:00.000-05:00

We were at Record Bar last night, preparing to have our minds rocked by my new favorite band, Poradova, when the delightful Miss Lizzard invited me to go shopping for locally designed lingerie. This sounds like a blast because what kind of ineffectual sloth doesn't want bangin' one-of-a-kind panties and trashy hot bras, all while supporting local business? I mean, who would want to wear giant, cotton underpants that could be tucked under one's armpits, right?

Heh. Well, you know. What are you gonna do? I LOVE them! I love the ones that come in a package of six and have disco paisley patterns! I love being free from even the threat of a wedgie because they come down to your mid-thighs! I love it that in the event of being flung from an airplane, I am totally packing a parachute over my buns. They're just so AWESOME!

I know they're fugly, but I refuse to conform to undergarment fashion that isn't spectacularly comfortable. My ass is too superb to suffer for style.

Can You Charge a Ghost for Half the Utilities?

2007-08-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

I think I've finally found an apartment, which is clearly sub-par to my current place, but it's kind of like comparing Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie. Both are nice, but dude.

I'm still pretty freaked out, though. Mostly just because moving blows, but also because I'm pretty sure that the new place is haunted. We went in to look at it with the manager, and she kept making this fuss about how the lady that lived there before had been there for eight years . This got me thinking:

Me: So, why did the [skank] that lived here for so long move out?

Manager: Hmm. I don't know.

Me: *pause* Well, she didn't die in here, did she?

Manager: *even longer pause* Um. I don't...know. It's happened before. We have a lot of elderly people here.

Me: *shits pants*

So great. I get to be roomies with the ghost of an old biddy. I hope she like, clips coupons for me and knits cute stuff instead of scaring the ass out of me. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to have a super sweet excorcism party in lieu of a housewarming shindig.

Pooty Peeker

2007-08-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

I'm so traumatized, dude. I got potty peeked today! How grotesque!

I was in the can, minding my own business and doing my business an aerodynamic manner, when some bitches came in. I recognized their voices as two of my pals, which made me damn near miss my poo window. By the time they get to washing their hands, I can hear them whispering. Something about "think someone's in here", "can't see feet." So one of them busts over to my stall, and peeks in at me through the crack. HOLY EFFING WEIRD, Batman!

Oh. My. GOD. It was terrible. And then, to top it all off, they made it out like I was the freak for taking my brown eye sightseeing with my feet up. I maintain that in fact, they are the creeps for perving out and peering into a bathroom stall.

I will never shat again.

Night of the Living Shithole

2007-08-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

I'm apartment hunting, and we all know what a party that is. Well, I made an appointment to see one at 10th and Holmes…A cool little section of downtown with lots of rockin' old federal buildings and fun bars close by. So when I dragged Nellorz with me to go see it, we were kind of excited, right?

FALSE.

It was a fucking crack den. Like, people stretched out on the sidewalk outside, wandering around the lobby with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, and like…skankville apartments. I could have kicked down one of the doors to break in and mutilate someone if I so chose. And judging from our delightful little experience in the "laundry room," which is better described as a "gross butt crack," that's exactly what would happen to me if I lived there.

Seriously, there was this chick loitering by the washing machine, wearing a shower cap just on the very top of her head as if it were a yamaka with the rest of her hair dangling below. She looked like a god damn jelly fish. So she saw us and said, "Hmmmwhatr yuu doon herre?" Um. Right. So we told her. And she said, "Hhhmmmwhered yuu come frum?" And Nelle and I looked at each other in what-the-fuck-ness and told her. And she goes, "Didjoo say Bannister Mall?" And we go, um, NO. Then she looks at us with narrowed eyes and informs us that, "Bannister Mall izz clozzzedahumm."

Oh. Dear. God. If this is any indication oh how this hunt will pan out, I'm totally just gonna put my shit in storage and go to Europe indefinitely!

Cars Suck Bull Rhino Balls

2007-07-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

Car accidents are super gay. I've had two in my life, and both were hideously hideous experiences. The first was not my fault. I was 17 years old and driving home from a high school play rehearsal. I was minding my own business and rocking out to STP in my hawt little Civic, when BOOM. This senile old skank turned left from the right-hand lane and smashed into my car. The engine dropped out, saving my legs from being crushed, and I sat there looking at the hood of my car peeled up over my windshield. My car was totaled, but we both were fine, thanks to Honda's solid engineering.

The next accident was my fault. It was a very minor, but irritating fender bender. And you know what? That bitch was SO FUCKING HATEFUL to me that you'd think I'd murdered her entire family at Christmas time, and fucked their corpses under the damn tree instead of pulling too far out into an intersection. It's not like I thought, you know what would be fun? To hit some whore, fuck up my car, and raise my car insurance. Especially, THAT whore right there. Just to ruin her stupid day. 'Cuz you know, I did it on purpose. It's not like it's called an accident for a reason.

To this day, I still hate senior citizen drivers who are too smacked out on Parkinson's meds to drive properly. Why we don't make people take the driver's test every 10 years is beyond me. And also, I sincerely hope that tvile martyr cunt is responsible for a car accident in which she kills someone someday. Only that someone is a child molester, but nobody knows, so she feels like ASS for ALL ETERNITY.

Moral of the story: Be cool when you get into a car accident, bitches. It's inevitable, so have some damn insurance, quit driving when you're too ancient to function, and go kill yourself if you can't be gracious when somebody accidentally hits you.

The World is Stupid.

2007-07-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

I hate the world. I HATE it!!!

I hate people that read blogs and don't take the 30 whole seconds it takes post a comment to let that blogger know that yes, they did enjoy the post enough to encourage them to keep up the good work. For fuck's sake!

I hate people that pick the bathroom stall next to yours when you were there first, minding your own biznazz, and trying to take a crap even though there are fucking four other stalls open. Seriously.

I hate people that are too into ass play. It's gross. What the fuck? Clearly, they are banging skanks up the butt all the time because they have weak genes and nature has wired them to stop procreating.

I hate this stupid bitch on What Not to Wear who is fat and gross and is acting like an ass basket, all crying and being rude to the peeps trying to fix her hideous troll wardrobe.

I hate everyone that has a tattoo because I wish I had the balls to get one too. You bitches.

And I HATE everyone that doesn't have to move out in four weeks (um, the hottest time of the year, whorebags) even though they don't know where the hell they're going to live.

Ok, ok, fine. I don't hate everyone. I love you guys, but I do want to light someone on fire to satiate my irrational rage. I'm thinking Tom Cruise. I despise his stupid, short, dyslexic, fucked-up-teeth ass.

Any nominations?

Superhero Beyonce

2007-07-18T20:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when life kinda sucks, I wish that I could trade places with like, Beyonce. You know, just to escape from my stupid gay problems for a while.

Wouldn't that be so tits though? Like, you get to loll about in her cush world and go around booty popping in her fabulous body all day, while she steps in and takes over your suck life and pasty bod to right all your wrongs with her complete and total kick assness. I just feel like she would totally know what to do and all the right things to say so that when we trade back, everything would be even more money than before. Ha ha! Because Beyonce Knowles best! Ah ha. Ha? Oh, whatever.

Who would you bitches want to trade places with when shit hits the fan?

New Girl Crush!

2007-07-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

Last night, Nellorz, Ronald and I went to see a show. This was no ordinary local band playing in a tiny beerless venue that smells like my gramma's basement, but a FACE MELTINGLY, KICK ASS, Oh my GOD amazing local band in a tiny beerless venue that smells like my gramma's basement. You guys, seriously. Seriously, you guys.

You know what a hideous snob I am about exposing myself (*insert juvenile snicker here) to new music. I have my five bands I really like and I feel very safe and comfortable hiding in my little 1999 cave with them, so when peeps try to make me listen to stuff, I deliberately don't, largely because they press the issue and then I have to refuse based on irrational principle.

However, this band was a delightful surprise, and is unquestionably one of The Best Finds of the Year. The lead vocalist is captivating and intense, and she totally bent this cover of "No Quarter" over and fucked it so hard, it won't be able to walk for weeks. THAT is how good this show was.

She's added a drummer, bongoist, bassist, guitarist, cellist, and yes, xylophonist to her lineup since the recordings on MySpace, so to get the full experience, I suggest you join me at aby of their shows because I will BE THERE, screaming like a groupie in the front row and throwing my chunders at the stage!

The Stache

2007-07-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

I think mustaches are funny. Like, not funny ha ha, but funny who wants a mustache ride. Anyway, I made The Boy shave his beard into a mustache, thinking I was going to get a good hearty giggle out of it and drive him to shave it right off.

Only…

I kind of like it. Like, a lot! Call me crazy, but smooching him is like what Tom Tucker says about his mustache tickling the ladies when he kisses them. Only a little, bitches. Only a little.

I'm so ashamed!

But I mean, come on! Who doesn't think Wyatt Earp is a little hot? Hmm? Tom Sellick? Burt Reynolds?! Gaaaaahhh!

I'm Hawt.

2007-06-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

I have a boil. On my ASS. Yes, I know it's grodie, but I bring my babies good stories, even at my own expense.

So, this boil. I noticed it last night and wanted to scream and throw myself on the floor and flip around in angst, but I slapped some vitamin E on it and hoped for the best. Well, any of you that sit at a desk all day know how well that plan worked out. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the butt cheek with a corn cob skewer, so I decided to go to a docta.

So there I was chillin' when the doctor came in. And he was HOT. Like, offensively good looking and a DOCTOR, oh my God. So he was like, what are we seeing you for today? And I was like, um. I think I have a boil. And he went, where is it? And I went, oh, you know…on my butt. And then I died inside.

Dude, I just hate going to male doctors. Ever since the Kevin Spacey-look-a-like gyno nightmare, I've sworn them off. It's bad enough when they're creepy and gross, but it's almost worse if they're attractive and nice because I mean, who the eff wants to drop trowel in front of a hottie unless it's for recreational purposes, right?!

Picnic Nip Slip

2007-06-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

So word, I was wolfing down pizza at a kick ass birthday picnic when the super hot birthday girl leaned over to me and said," See the girl talking to my dad? That's my future sister-in-law. Isn't she cute?" To which I replied, "Well, uh. Yes. But she's about to put your dad's eye out with her nipples, yo. Bizshoiiing!" Then made rude finger-antennae finger gestures over my boobs.

We had a good giggle, but pretty soon, she came over to give birthday hugs and to introduce herself to me and my darling boy. After she wandered away, The Boy turns to me and says, "DUDE. When she leaned over to shake my hand, I saw her entire left tit."

Hahahahaaa! Awesome!

But seriously, people. How is she not aware of her nibbies being highly visible through her top? Didn't she notice? I know I notice! I'm just telling you, I don't even have ta tas and I ALWAYS wear a bra. Especially if I'm going to be around my significant other's parents. Oh my GOD. I'd rather die than nip out in front of sweet old Papa Octagon!

I mean, wouldn't you be cognizant enough of your bodily...stuff...to know to put that shit away?! Gross!

Furious Fish Rant

2007-06-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

You know I try to support local biznazz. My folks owned one for 20 years, for snatch's sake! So instead of going to a more convenient chain to get a pet fish, I chose a neighborhood pet shop in Waldo. I did this fully expecting that I would trade saving a few bucks for the superb customer service one can expect from a mom and pop shop.

Unfortunately, this pet store missed the bus on that notion. I bought a boring ass fish bowl and supplies for $21.00 bones. They should have given me a damn hand job for that!! And even though they were out of Bettas at the time, they promised that the shipment would arrive on Monday. I've been to that mother effing store three times, and they are still out.

And you know what? It might have been fine if the staff had been anything but absent. Check it out. Jake and I bust into the shop, and after looking for an employee for like, six years, I finally find a ho to ask if the fish have arrived. And she looks at me and says,"Well, obviously not, or they'd be on the shelf." Well, obviously I don't work here, bitch, because I've brushed my hair sometime in the last two weeks, so how the hell am I supposed to know where the shit goes on the shelf?

I know WalMart is a soul sucking corporate bully, but you know what? They always have the shit you're after for 40% of the cost. At 3:27AM. With ammo you can buy at the same time as shit sheets. Yeah, they don't answer your questions, treat their suppliers well, or play fair with the community, but they're all androids and you know what you're getting when you go in there. Namely, what you came for.

Local businesses should really take note if they want to compete, because at the bare minimum, they need to provide good customer service to give me incentive to come spend extra dough on their product.

Why I Hate the World: Reason Number 728

2007-05-28T19:42:00.000-05:00

Oh my GOD. I had the most hideous trip to the mall today. I'm minding my own business, flipping through a clearance rack, when the sales girl busts right in front of me to put away something. This totally pisses me off. I mean, can you wait the six seconds it would take for me to move on before you invade my bubble? And as if this weren't enough, she says to me, "These are the smalls. The medium and large racks are over there."

…

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, BITCH?! You like my FAT ASS? I will DESTROY YOU, CONSUME YOU, AND SHIT OUT YOUR SOUL. Jesus ass! So I tell myself that she has a depth perception problem, and I decide to go ahead and try on a couple of jackets, but the dressing rooms are full. Rather than wait ten hours, or get all up in people's faces to stand in front of the dressing room mirror, I ask a sales lady where another mirror is. She looks at me all slack-jawed and vacant and points to the exact same dressing room mirror that I told her I was trying to avoid.

…

I've had about enough at this point, so I furiously clutch my purchases and take them to the counter, when this ugly, leather skinned hag and her demon spawn cut in front of me. This trip has been such a fucking nightmare, that I just take it as an opportunity to put back a shirt that I've changed my mind about. The scary child devil springs over to the rack and points to the shirt that I've just discarded and says, "This is so cute, mom!" And mom retorts, "Not really," then turns her creaky, handbag peg neck, and gives me the evil eye.

…

So I cut in front of her, pay, and get the hell out. Unfuckingreal, y'all! I will never leave my house again!

Today, I Didn't Even Have to Use My A.K. I Gotta Say, It Was a Good Day.

2007-05-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

Dude, I had three hideous things to do today:

1. Take my car to the dealer service shop because it was making a funny noise.
2. Transfer my plates from The Green Machine to The Dove.
3. Go to a hideous laser appointment in which they murder the hair follicles of my bikini line.

Any ocassion in which I have to deal with mechanics, the DMV, or voluntary pain pretty much guarantees I'm gonna get pissed off and cry like a bitch, so I was sure that trying to take on all three was going to make my head implode.

Fortunately, each encounter was like a delicious buttery piece of French toast and went deliciously! I was so skurred that my new car was a secret piece of shit and I'd have to spend a lot of $$ to fix it, BUT, not only do I get a free new radio for my car, but the noise is just the antennae! (Duh, on my part.) And at the DMV, there wasn't even a line! I just walked up and handed her some shizzy and went on my merry way. Then, the laser thing was super easy and they had installed televisions in the rooms, so while my hoo ha was being electrocuted, I got to distract myself by ironically watching Geraldo's mustache.

Clearly, something is up with the cosmos and my luck is as close to superluck as it's ever going to be. So I bought a Powerball ticket. Keep your fingers, toes, and butts crossed in the hopes that I become a hot rich sugar mama! Ow ow!

Top Five

2007-05-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

Sooo, you know when you go to a concert or rock out really hard in your car and later, you notice your ears are ringing, then you wig out because you realize that your hearing is permanently damaged?

Top five songs for which you would willingly damage your hearing:

5. Ike and Tina Turner - Sing the Blues - "I've Been Loving You Too Long"

The Tina I grew up with had giant hair and sang "What's Love Got to Do With It" so I about wrecked my car the day I first heard this song on NPR. I literally had to pull over and weep. I had no idea she was so fabulous!

4. Rage Against the Machine - Battle of LA - "Testify"

Quite possibly The Best Song to Scream Along With In Your Car. I'd kill someone's mother to have them play in KC.

3. Deftones - White Pony - "Passenger"

Only Chino and Maynard could make a song about roadhead this hot. In the alternate universe where I'm a stripper, this is my signature song.

2. Nine Inch Nails - Things Falling Apart - "Metal"

You know I had a hard time narrowing this lost down to two NIN songs, but this one is so groovy and Gary Numan that I want to gyrate when I hear it, regardless of location.

1. Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been Live - "The Day the World Went Away"

I geek out so hard for this song. It moves me beyond reason. Reznor has outdone himself here.

Happy Dance

2007-05-19T11:39:00.000-05:00

I got the most pee-your-pants pleasant surprise yesterday! I was in my fancy car, jamming to the new NIN album, when a song I'd never heard before came on that MELTED MY FACE WITH KICK ASSNESS! See, I thought I'd heard the whole thing because I'm a stalker and listened to every song I could get my grubby little hands on, but word, bitches! I dropped the balls on "God Given" somehow!

I'm just screamin', I haven't car danced in about three years, and babies…I boogied like whoa. Any man that can make me do boobie shakes while driving, deserves absolution for getting engaged, underestimating how little the world cares about his political opinions, and being a member of not only AA, but PETA. But in all seriousness, it's really nice to remember why I have always loved Reznor so much. He really is amazing.

So go out to NIN's MySpace profile, unmute your computer, and do the cabbage patch in front of the mirror. I promise it will make you feel like you just banged a team of Sexual Olympics gold medalists.

I Sick Myself Out

2007-05-19T11:35:00.002-05:00

First, I'd like to point you here for the best analysis of the new Marilyn Manson video:

http://wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=2275

Ok, now that being said…What the fuck is wrong with me? Because somehow, that kind of did it for me. I KNOW! I know. I'm disgusting. They're disgusting! She's a homewrecking skank and he's a nasty, pasty, soulless synthesizer! GRODIE!

Ok, but…I saw him in concert one time and he did this thing with a mic stand that made me make that gross tongue gesture I do whenever I want to gnaw on a hot guy's face. AND…Antichrist Superstar. It rocked!!! Ok, I'm done poorly justifying my total heinousness. I realize that need to be mutilated with a Garden Weasel® and buried in the backyard stat, and will get right on that.

Superstar!!!

2007-05-19T11:35:00.001-05:00

It blows my mind that celebrities are so...uh...celebrated. I'm just sayin', what the hell did Britney Spears ever do besides be cute and wiggle, like, 10 years ago? And Lohan?! Since when is snorting blow and smoking more pole than a hippie making bongs out of strip club furniture admirable activity?

I'm not saying I don't enjoy voyeuristically reading up on the gossip, but dude. Shouldn't we be holding the actually valuable members of society up on high? Like what about garbage men? Or peeps in sanitary waste management? Can you imagine what things would be like if we didn't have those cats around? Yeesh!

Some celebs seem much more ok than others, like Alyssa Milano. She's totally the type of chica I could drink beer and talk about boys with. And Joss Stone too. I'd make her do karaoke with me every week at DB's. I would also be friends with Conan O'Brien because don't you know he and his wife are super funny and chill? Also, I'd love to be friends with Justin Timberlake, but only so we could all go dancing with him. Hooray!

Dawn and Dirty

2007-05-19T11:34:00.001-05:00

I had a crazy eventful commute this morning. In addition to almost being run off the road by a stupid church bus, I got stuck behind this tool in a hooptie who was driving like, 10 miles under the speed limit and drifting onto the shoulder. I was thinking, dude. It's 8:30 in the goddamn morning! Are you wasted already? (Jealous!!)

Then, I saw an arm magically appear from the depths of the passenger seat to caress his big gross bald head and I went, Then threw rock fingers in appreciation of pre-work road head.

Man, if that's how I rolled, I'd be so much more pleasant and productive. I feel like it should be mandatory, really! Employers really should get on board with this idea...

The Few. The Proud. The Shortcake.

2007-05-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

God damn, the military is hardcore. If I weren't such a sick pussy, I would have totally joined the Navy, but I guess all of us secretly would have signed up for some part of the armed forces if we had to.

My dad and I have been watching the Military Channel (I know, we're losers!) and freaking out over this amazing show about Marine recruitment. Lemme tell you somethin'. I would never, ever, want to have a trained Marine after my ass. Sexually or otherwise. Those mother fuckers could gut you like a wide mouth bass before you even realized they were on you, and you know what? That rocks. Loudly.

I wish I was a badass sometimes, but I'm pretty sure it's way more fun to stuff my face with strawberry shortcake and watch other people hammer it out on tv.

Take a Freaking Picture!

2007-05-19T11:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been just hanging out and minding your own business, when suddenly, you notice that someone is staring at you?

This totally happened to me today as I was strolling along after a super giant lunch, feeling all happy and pleasantly full, though perhaps not agreeable enough to suck in my gut whilst walking. So I'm tra la la-ing when I notice that the lady walking towards me is staring at my midsection. Like, as if I had a horse rapist growing out of my belly button. And I was all, WHAT, bitch?! What the fuck are you looking at? You like my goddamn pooch?! I will SMOTHER you with it! But instead of saying this out loud, I just stared right back at her stupid face. I damn near had to walk backwards to keep looking at her fug mug when she finally realized that she is not, in fact, invisible, and that I had seen her staring at my flab like a creepy doll.

I hope she was embarrassed for getting busted. She so should be! What kind of grown woman stares at people, let along isn't savvy enough to be subtle about it? Blechh.

I should eat her soul.

I Said Lady, Step Inside My Hyundai...

2007-05-19T11:28:00.001-05:00

I'm officially a big girl! Check it:

That, my babies, my new pimp ride! I have air conditioning!!! And a radio that gets an actual signal! And side airbags that actually might work if I get pissed off and smash into some jerk-off that won't let me merge! My road rage is SO much cuter now!

Homeless Jumping

2007-05-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

This is totally how I feel when I'm driving to work:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=82516

I know I'm sitting just a tad too far to the right to possible get any of the hippies on board with my hatred of the homeless, but dude. They are SO useless! They can't get their shit together, can't exist normally, and can't follow basic social norms! I mean, a man approaching a lone woman on the street is totally unacceptable and way skurry to me, but begging for my hard earned money?! Shut the fuck up! Balls, it offends me on so many levels.

I just don't agree that they're just folks who have lost their way. I don't believe that the homeless sleep outside because they like to live under the stars. I think the people that do that shit do it because they're effing crazy in the head. Ok?!So, no y'all, I don't think it's a good idear to go rolling down your car windows to give them change/enable them, and nay, I don't think it's a good idear to go trying to help them out unless you want them to kidnap your babies/rape you.

I'm not saying your intentions aren't good in wanting to see the best in them, but the homeless are about three steps above Paris Hilton, insofar as their contribution to civilized society (and the rampant spreading of disease,) so let's not encourage them. Or Paris either for that matter.

Take a Freaking Picture!

2007-05-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

Lay Off Me!!!

2007-04-24T21:51:00.000-05:00

You know those people that you just can't communicate with, no matter how hard you try? Like you say, open the left drawer, reach into the last tray, and grab a big purple dildo with which to SLAP YOUR STUPID FACE, and they go, tray? Tray?! Those are not trays, they're cubbies. And you go, that's not the point, you douche!!!!

I have one of those. No matter what I say to this ogre, she comes back at me with 17 nitpicky arguments about every word out of my mouth. For example, I can ask her to please pass me a beer, and she's all, "Why didn't you ask Nick to do it? He's closer. It's not even beer anyway, it's actually malt liquor, which is stupid." And I'm all, shut the fuck up and pass me the goddamn bottle before I stab out my own eyes with fury.

It drives me insane with ick. She's so hideous that she reminds me of Chris Farley in drag. If only she were this funny…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-H_e7sMyhI

My Guitar Hero

2007-04-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

Guitar of plastic hoisted as a weapon,
Clicking like sticky keys.
The scarlet of his hoodie blinds him,
Obscuring the scrolling primary notes,
While his boxers billow with the force of his rock.

Bottle green reaper writhes with the rhythm,
As he caresses the whammy bar.
Dominating the Sabbath,
He smirks at me in triumph,
And I lift my shirt in amazement.

The star power is ready,
The star power is ready,The star power is ready, oh.

Chicken & Beer

2007-04-19T19:49:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I must be nesting or something but I've decided to do the most hokey, dorky, and totally fabulous thing as soon as I have a real backyard. I'm going to get laying hens. Hooray!

I'm going to build a coop and raise two chicks into fantabulous egg-laying skanks. I'm SO excited!!! I even know what I'm going to name them already: Shikaka and Wehrenberg.

Wehrenberg, for those of you unacquainted with St. Louis moviegoing, is a set of theaters that has this awesome theme song in which they whisper the theatre name in terrifying tone about 13 times. That doesn't sound like a long time, but dude. Try it. Right now. Whisper "Wehrenberg" 13 times to yourself. See?! Creepy, but money.

Anywho, I'm very happy about my plans to have fresh eggs all the time from chickens that are spoiled rotten. I would secretly love to have a goat, but I just don't drink a lot of goat milk. Or, any at all. And cows are too big to really keep in your backyard. They need to make mini cows just for people like me who are closet wanna-be farmers. Oooh! And tiny elephants. How sick would that be?

I can't wait, y'all. Just thinking about this makes me squeal with delight and wiggle in happiness!

M(e) Theory

2007-04-16T19:47:00.000-05:00

So, evidentially, there are parallel universes. (Yes. I watch a lot of Science Channel. Eat it.) This is good, because in current reality, I'm entirely too lazy to get off my fat/hawt ass and do ambitious things. Things like not rotting on the couch whilst watching Dancing with the Stars. Sooo, news of the multiverse means that I'm actually accomplishing all of the bad ass stuff I should be doing elsewhere that I'm too lame to bang out here.

I'm so excited about this news that I felt the need to share with you all the superfly things that I am in an alternate universe:

A professional ballroom dancer named Pansy Piper.

Elementary school mashed potatoes with the kick ass yellow gravy on top.

A butch singer in a rock band who exclusively wears leather.

A soap opera actress who plays Olivia St. James-Cockfield-Applebottom-Bacon- Pujols-Pickles-Butkus-Drewpeacock-Fach-Shagger-Jezvahted-Beaver-Butts-Seaman-Shafts-Wang-Woodcock-Wong-Peters-Kuntz-Weiner-Scrodanus-Cox, the most widowed woman on day time television.

An exotic dancer with a pole routine entitled: The Stapler.

A giant squid. Squid RULE!

Head cheerleader for local basketball team, the Wet Wedgies.

Archaeologist and discoverer of the lost library of Alexandria, Cindy Anna Scones.

A marine biologist who leaves behind the perils of the world of men to live with the manatees.

Someone who has Bad Motherfucker written on her wallet.

Disgustingly wealthy.

In possession of a giant rack.

Why Does Everyone Hate the French?!

2007-04-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

Why is everybody always hater totting on the French? Are we really not over this whole WWII thing yet? Do we really still resent their lack of support for Bush's war on terror? (Is anyone in America even still doing a happy dance over this?) I just don't get it! I freaking love France like it was a Reznor-headed chocolate old fashioned doughnut!

The reason I ask about this is because a lot of peeps I work with have been going to Paris to work on a project, and I don't know if they're just canker sore sucking morons or what, but they all come home bitching about France.For instance, this one stupid skank was complaining about how "rude" the French are and as an example of such, cited being shushed during a symphony. Um, hello! It's considered bad ettiquete to applaud during a symphony, let alone have a retarded convo about your greasy ass hair! Back me up here, Nick!

So, then they whine about how "mean" the French are when people don't speak the language in their country. This really asses my chaps because I'd freaking LOVE to know the last time these hosers were cool to a non-English speaker in America. I have seen people abuse taxi drivers here for not understanding complex English words, but when they go to Paris and yell, "Hey! HEY! Where's the Eiffel Tower at?" to strangers on the street, and a Parasian rolls their eyes, they act like they've been morally assaulted.WTF, people?!

It all sounds like a super gay double standard to me. I've been to France, I have very good French friends, and you know what? They kick ass. All I've ever had to do is know how to say s'il vous plait, merci, and excusez-moi and the French been absolute peaches to me. I'm sure if everybody just did some homework on the countries they visit (and recognize that all big cities are just a little less touchy-feely), they'd get to France and want to make sweet love to them all like I do.