Bacon Dress

Government-Run Health Care = Epic Fail

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:12:00 +0000

Congress is taking a recess in August. Obama wants the health care bill passed before then, because you know, the world will end as per usual if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it regardless of how terrible an idea it is (cough, cough, "stimulus"). Now is the time to write your legislators. Please do some homework on this and if you don't want this insanity forced on you and your family, contact your Congresspeople and Senators like, yesterday and tell them that you oppose government-run health care, a.k.a. H.R.3200.

BCBS has an excellent plan for health care reform that makes the government-run plan look exactly like it was cooked up just like this. So don't let any idiot alarmist fool you into thinking there's no other way, 'cuz there totally is - http://capwiz.com/helptheuninsured/issues/alert/?alertid=13632946&type=CO

The easy way to find out who the eff your legislators are is included below, as well as my own scathing letters for you to plagiarize, because I am awesome and nice like that.

Senators:
Look up - http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

House of Reps:
Look up - https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml
You'll need your 4-digit ZIP code extension for this - http://zip4.usps.com/zip4/welcome.jsp

Read Me:
"PRESIDENT Obama promises that "if you like your health plan, you can keep it," even after he reforms our health-care system. That's untrue. The bills now before Congress would force you to switch to a managed-care plan with limits on your access to specialists and tests.

Two main bills are being rushed through Congress with the goal of combining them into a finished product by August. Under either, a new government bureaucracy will select health plans that it considers in your best interest, and you will have to enroll in one of these "qualified plans." If you now get your plan through work, your employer has a five-year "grace period" to switch you into a qualified plan. If you buy your own insurance, you'll have less time.

And as soon as anything changes in your contract -- such as a change in copays or deductibles, which many insurers change every year -- you'll have to move into a qualified plan instead (House bill, p. 16-17).

When you file your taxes, if you can't prove to the IRS that you are in a qualified plan, you'll be fined thousands of dollars -- as much as the average cost of a health plan for your family size -- and then automatically enrolled in a randomly selected plan (House bill, p. 167-168).

It's one thing to require that people getting government assistance tolerate managed care, but the legislation limits you to a managed-care plan even if you and your employer are footing the bill (Senate bill, p. 57-58). The goal is to reduce everyone's consumption of health care and to ensure that people have the same health-care experience, regardless of ability to pay.

Nowhere does the legislation say how much health plans will cost, but a family of four is eligible for some government assistance until their household income reaches $88,000 (House bill, p. 137). If you earn more than that, you'll have to pay the cost no matter how high it goes.

The price tag for this legislation is a whopping $1.04 trillion to $1.6 trillion (Congressional Budget Office estimates). Half of the tab comes from tax increases on individuals earning $280,000 or more, and these new taxes will double in 2012 unless savings exceed predicted costs (House bill, p. 199). The rest of the cost is paid for by cutting seniors' health benefits under Medicare.

There's plenty of waste in Medicare, but the Congressional Budget Office estimates only 1 percent of the savings under the legislation will be from curbing waste, fraud and abuse. That means the rest will likely come from reducing what patients get.

One troubling provision of the House bill compels seniors to submit to a counseling session every five years (and more often if they become sick or go into a nursing home) about alternatives for end-of-life care (House bill, p. 425-430). The sessions cover highly sensitive matters such as whether to receive antibiotics and "the use of artificially administered nutrition and hydration."
This mandate invites abuse, and seniors could easily be pushed to refuse care. Do we really want government involved in such deeply personal issues?

Only a portion of the money accumulated from slashing senior benefits and raising taxes goes to pay for covering the uninsured. The Senate bill allocates huge sums to "community transformation grants," home visits for expectant families, services for migrant workers -- and the creation of dozens of new government councils, programs and advisory boards slipped into the last 500 pages.

The most recent ABC News/Washington Post poll (June 21) finds that 83 percent of Americans are very satisfied or somewhat satisfied with the quality of their health care, and 81 percent are similarly satisfied with their health insurance.

They have good reason to be. If you're diagnosed with cancer, you have a better chance of surviving it in the United States than anywhere else, according to the Concord Five Continent Study. And the World Health Organization ranked the United States No. 1 out of 191 countries for being responsive to patients' needs, including providing timely treatments and a choice of doctors.

Congress should pursue less radical ways to cover the uninsured. We have too much to lose with this legislation."

Article by Betsy McCaughey: Founder of the Committee to Reduce Infection Deaths and a former lieutenant governor of New York. betsy@hospitalinfection.org

Steal Me:
Below is my correspondance with Sen. Claire McASSkill. Feel free to use whatever you want our of it in your letters.

From: Summie Date: Fri, Jul 17, 2009 at 10:21 AMSubject: Re: From the Desk of Senator Claire McCaskillTo: Senator McCaskill senator_mccaskill@mccaskill.senate.gov

Senator,

Your response to my request is less than encouraging. First, how many more times do you think we're going to fall for legislators crying "crisis?" This is becoming old hat in a very short time for the house and senate to pass enormous spending bills that don't do a bit of good under the guise of impending doom.

Second, if you really wanted to conduct health care reform, you wouldn't entertain the idea of government health plans. It doesn't work. Anywhere. Ever. Not even here with Medicare and Medicaid. You want to prove to me that you can do this? Reform your existing government-run health plans. Show me that it works and I'll listen, but I'll never believe that my company will keep my health insurance plan when big government will offer a cheaper, sub-par one that will be run into the ground financially and structurally like every other private sector pie that government sticks its fingers into.

Finally, there are many alternative ways to provide coverages for the uninsured: start with tort reform to stop unnecessary CYA testing and lower the costs malpractice insurance. Try rewarding people who purchase their own health care by offering a tax credit. Give them a partial reimbursement, then apply that to employers who provide health care. If the government could so a single thing to benefit the uninsured, then you would simply deregulate the health insurance industry so competition increases then leave it alone. Deregulation alone would unequivocally promote the health and livelihood of every American. I'm sure this appeal falls on deaf ears, but please just note the emphasis on my request for you to oppose any government-run health plans.

Thank you,
Summer

On Thu, Jul 16, 2009 at 5:23 PM, Senator McCaskill <senator_mccaskill@mccaskill.senate.gov> wrote:

Thank you for contacting me regarding our health care system. I appreciate having your comments and welcome the opportunity to respond.

There is no denying that our health care system is in dire need of reform. The soaring cost of medical care is crippling our economy, bankrupting our nation’s families, and becoming an unsustainable financial burden for American employers. In the last eight years, health care premiums have grown four times faster than wages, and there are nearly 46 million uninsured Americans - the majority of whom are employed. It’s tragic that in a country of great wealth like ours so many of our fellow Americans don’t have access to care; and that the uninsured are suffering from avoidable illnesses and receiving expensive medical care too late the cost of which gets passed on to the rest of us.

I am pleased to see my colleagues on the Health, Education, Labor, and Pension Committee and on the Finance Committee leading the health reform effort in the Senate. There are still many tough issues to resolve in the health care debate, including insurance coverage mandates, whether a public program will compete with private insurers, and how to pay for it. While theses topics are still being deliberated in committee hearings and roundtable discussions, the highest priorities for Congress and health industry leaders are protecting patient choice of care, curbing skyrocketing health costs, and expanding coverage for the uninsured.

Although I am hopeful that significant reform will be enacted by the end of this year, you should know that Congress has already passed several measures that have improved access to care for children and struggling families. In January, I voted for Children's Health Insurance Program Reauthorization Act (H.R. 2), which will provide 4.1 million additional low-income children with quality health care coverage. I was also pleased that the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA), enacted in February, included extended unemployment health benefits coverage as well as funds for cost saving health care initiatives like health information technology (health IT).

Addressing our nation’s health care crisis will be no small feat for Congress; but it will only get worse the longer we ignore it. Our nation's long term financial health requires a balance between family coverage needs and viable financing from businesses and the government. The current tenuous situation necessitates action on healthcare reform now. I look forward to working with my colleagues in a bipartisan fashion to find a fiscally responsible solution for the health of Americans and our nation’s economy, and I am hopeful that we will have significant reform enacted by the end of this year.

All best,
Senator Claire McCaskill

On Wed, Jul 15, 2009 at 1:33 PM, Summer wrote:
Senator McCaskill,

I do not support the impending Health Care Reform proposal that is currently being developed. Please keep this in mind when representing me as these discussions turn into legislation and vote no.

I agree that there should be reform to move the current bureaucracy driven, heavily regulated third-party payment system to a new patient-centered system of CONSUMER CHOICE and real FREE-MARKET COMPETITION; however, this plan to essentially turn health care into a larger scale government run system is not the answer.

I've sat in lines for entirely too many hours with my sickly grandma waiting for her to get in to see a doctor via her Medicare & Medicaid plan, only to have them make so many mistakes (once, resulting in having one of her toes amputated) to think that you guys can pull this off successfully.
Thanks so much,
Summer

Pass it on!
w/love,
Summie

Loretta Lynn Kicks Ass

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:36:00 +0000

I JUST discovered Loretta Lynn. I know, right?! Like 28 years later. Sarahjill hooked me up phat with the Coal Miner’s Daughter DVD as preparation for our Pink Cadillac Hearse debut, and I was sold, but then she sent me the following music video and it rocked my MIND so hard that springs were popping out of my head like a Femme Bot:

I highly recommend you check out the full album that Jack White and Loretta Lynn did together. I can’t remember the last time I was so inspired by music! I mean, this wails louder than getting a bj from Angeline Jolie. It stunned me so hard that I had to call Sarahjill right then and freak out like, THIS is what we’re doing. I want to make this kind of music! It’s like the rock has come full circle to its origins of classic country and it just makes me want to dress like Johnny Cash and sing again!

So, now it’s time to stalk her in Nashville. Can you imagine that she’s still playing live?! I mean, she’s only like 112 years old. Loretta = pwnage.

Pink Cadillac Hearse

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:39:00 +0000

Dewd. I have a new band. For cereal! It’s in the infancy stages, but I’m pretty sure we shall rise from our painfully humble beginnings like so much phoenix and pwn the faces of the masses! It all started when my sister narked me out to Grandma that I could sing. And Grandma was all, wtf, srsly? And I was all, duh, bitch! So I recruited one of my favorite musicians of all time ever, Sarahjill, to help me put together some old country songs to sing for Grandma’s old folks home.

Prior to preparing for this exclusive and prestigious venue, Sarahjill’s husband asked her if we were going to have a band name. They were driving to the grocery store and she said she hadn’t really thought about it. A minute went by; he glanced at the next lane of cars and asked, “Is that a pink Cadillac hearse?” To which Sarahjill replied, “THAT’S IT! That’s our band name!” Our t-shirts are going to be so cute!

For our debut show at the nursing home, we did a guitar/vocal duet and melted the faces off those old fuckers. It was righteous!!! Check out the enthusiastic zombie-like grunts of approval from our ancient first audience:

So awesome. Good thing none of them died from all the rawkage. Well, a couple of them might have already kicked the bucket before we started, but I'll let you be the judge:

Worst Celebrity News EvAR!

Fri, 22 May 2009 00:49:00 +0000

So yeah, I know this happened like weeks ago, but this is the first time I’ve been able to wrench myself away from the pile of blankets and Oreo crumbs that I've been festering in to address the terrible news.

Trent Reznor is engaged to someone that’s not me. /cry

I mean, what; did he not know how lucky he was to get to sit around being my backup plan?! What the fuckity fuck? Our children would have been so adorable and angsty with large nostrils! But alas, it’s clear to me that is, in fact, gay city for he is marrying a tranny. Behold:

I mean, the word queen is in her name. It’s like, sweetie, don‘t put your job title that far up 'cuz you ain’t even THAT good of a cross-dresser. I have seen prettier drag queens with 5 o’clock shadows. But I guess she’s ok if you’re into The (post-op) Grudge. None of which appears to be a very good influence on El Rezbo being as he is looks a bit like the demon spawn of Joey Buttafuco and Gene Simmons:

Oh well…And all that could have been, I suppose. Sans keloid scars, of course.

Mill the Tread

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:15:00 +0000

At work, we did this fun little project where we made slides with silly pictures and bullet points about ourselves so that the remote branches of our company can get to know us a bit. I was epically proud of mine:

However, in the process of making it, I had to scroll through like 50 pictures of myself (that were all totally work-inappropriate...typical) and came across this one from a few years ago when I was running every day and I was like, SHIT:

I need to get back on the motherfucking treadmill.

Now I realize that I was 24 and that it is, in fact, an exceptionally flattering pic, but crap! My calves look killer. So killer that one time, some ass-stain once posted a MySpace comment on it that really speaks for itself:

I mean what the shit, right?! You tryin' to say you think I don't look GOOD in person, cocksucker? JESUS FUCK. I've fucking seen YOU several times, tea bag, and I must say...you always look like a baby rapist!

Ah, but I digress! I'm back to running, bitches, so look for my hawt calves again soon, in photo and irl, for they are germinating!

Shut the Fuck Up

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:30:00 +0000

So I’m never going to the movie theater again. EvAR! Or at least not without the following things:

A.) A taser
B.) Learning some Vulcan death grip move that immobilizes loud bitches
C.) My big, scary ass boyfriend

I say this because some cereal shat went down while we were minding our own business, watching Taken, and I finally got tired of listening to the fugly couple next to me TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. So, I politely turned to them and said, “Excuse me, but could you please be quiet?” The guy asked, “Are you serious?” And I was all, “Um. Yes.” To which he replied, “Shut the fuck up.” And I went,

“!!!”

“DAN! That guy just told me to shut the fuck up!” And faster than a man his size should be able to move, all 6’5 of Dan uncoiled from his seat and sprang forward, putting one arm as a shield in front of me and the other stabbing an enormous accusatory finger in the asshole’s face, to unleash a quietly threatening diatribe that would have scared the living cornhole out of even Pennywise the Clown. The assbag got one look at Dan and shrank back in his seat like the tiny little penis he was, apologizing profusely.

Neither the psychotic dickhole or his hag girlfriend (who he clearly beats, talking to women that way, right?) got up and leave like they should have after bring pwned so hard in public, but believe me when I say that they were silent little lambs during the rest of the movie. I; however, was so impressed by the swift protectiveness of my giant bear of a man that my uterus fell out on the floor as I stared at him in wanton, growling, teeth gnashing desire. THAT is some hot shit right there. That is so hot, it’s breedable.

Summie likey.

Loltallica

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:48:00 +0000

Love and Shooshting in an Elevator

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:59:00 +0000

Wow. I’m clearly all pent up. Some terrible elevator love scene totally just got me all percolated on the couch. And dude, it was on the most inappropriate tv show to get worked up about possible. I don’t even want to tell you because it’s too mortifying.

...

It was CSI!

I am shamed.

But hear me out!! It was some scorchingly hot, rich ass silver fox in an elevator with a younger chica, and he looks at her for a minute, then grabs her and totally kisses her, which she’s like wtf at first, then gets into it because he’s smokin’. Then the elevator door opens and he gets shot.

It’s so unfair! Why doesn’t random shit like that ever happen to me? Not the shooting part. Just the hot accidental sexual encounter part. I guess it’s because that’s probably a good way to get The HIV and/or mutilated by a stranger, but it sure looks like fun when you’re on day four of the flu and watching bad tv!

Oh, shitcicles, I’m turning into the little old lady who gets all juiced up on Harlequin Romance novels already!

RezNOr

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:11:00 +0000

I had a date with Mr. Reznor. Who wants to touch me? No, but really Lizzard, Nelle, and I went to see NIN in Columbia (Mizzou, whewt!) and we had killer seats right by the stage and danced like whore bags. He totally looked right at me and I was all, “Psssshhht! WhatevAR! You WISH you could have this!” And I’m sure he does, because shit, bitch! He legitimately can’t have this!

What’s funny is that ten years ago, I would have likely punched myself in the uterus in an effort to abort any hypothetical fetuses that might have been growing there to clear the way to bear Reznor’s child. And had you told me that I’d ever think otherwise, I would have laughed in your face and been a huge asshole about it. Lol, cuz I’ve always been such a nice person and all.

So, I guess Trent is still technically on My Freebie List, but seriously, do you know how many skanks he’s put the naughty on over the years? I think Ronald put it best when he said, “I bet his girlfriend has to fuck him up the ass with a strap-on to get him off because there’s so much shit growing on his dick, he can’t get it up anymore.” Indeed.

And dude, let’s not forget that he’s short. And has inferior genes due to his depressos/addiction/small nostrils. And he’s in PETA. OMG, and AA! I can’t roll with a guy who can’t hold his booze! It’s so not hawt.

It’s amazing how clear this shit becomes when you get older, wiser, and find a brilliant, hilarious, and fanfuckingtastic man, ain't it?

Meso Old!

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:52:00 +0000

Why is it that every time someone gets engaged I kind of want to barf in their mouth a little? Most of it is the expectant look people give you after their announcement, like they’re waiting for you to justify your own engagement status. Part of it, even after all this time, is just the weirdness of someone getting MARRIED. Especially when it’s someone you used to get so drunk with that you once physically restrained them from beating some bitch over the head with a phone. Ahh, memories!

Embarrassingly not that long ago, I would run away from married people like they had Ebola because I totally thought they underwent a marriage metamorphosis where they suddenly sucked balls and blew you off for hubby all the time. It took my best friend from college getting hitched for me to realize that you’re still YOU when you get married. But that’s a revelation of an extremely stupid and slutty single person, if that tell you anything.

These days, I’m just excited that some of my married bitches are having adorable babies for me to play with, then promptly hand back when they give me a Hot Carl. Whoot!

Caffeine Conspiracy

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:09:00 +0000

Dood I swear the waiter dumped a 5 Hour Energy drink or three in my pop at lunch because I’m about to blast off here from the caffeine. I’m like full on chair dancing at my desk to Pitbull. Maybe vibrating in my chair is a more accurate description of what nastiness is going on up in here.

Shit, bitch, I don’t even know where I was going with this except that I’ve clearly had an accidental overdose and need to flee across the street to the titty bar and make some cash doing this then get some fricking ice cream. You know, because the pervy ice cream truck driver pulls up every day, twice a day, to the aptly named Bazooka’s back door *insert juvenile snicker here* and the strippers run out to buy popsicles. And I do mean run. They don’t just walk out like normal humans and get a fucking ice cream; they hop-run in slow motion in their little outfits and ankle-breaking heels and teeter around handing money to the dude. I know this because watch it take place from my fatty window cube which overlooks the back of their building.

Downtown pwns!

OWW WEE Baby, You Make Me Wanna Walk Like a...

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:59:00 +0000

Despite my revulsion for the toe variety, I actually love camels. A lot. They are the cutest, smiliest, eyelashiest things you can ride around on through the desert. This is something I really want to do, actually. I am foaming at the mouth to go on a camel safari in Egypt, and yes I am just as excited about trotting around on a belching, spitting, adorable fluffy critter as I am to see Giza. I mean, come on:

The only reason I haven’t done this yet is because the safety section of the U.S. Department of State page is bigger than Lindsay Lohan’s freakish labes. In fact, I don’t know which would be more dangerous: moseying into a terrorist mud pit or banging LiLo. Yeesh. It doesn’t exactly say not to go, but it does kinda say to be effing careful as hell.

Whatever, I guess what I want to know is, do you think it’s cool to go to Cairo, or should I wait out the drama? I mean, Dan is six and a half feet tall and I’m fricking blonde city, so we won’t exactly blend in. I’m worried either way that I’m gonna miss out, which is NOT an option. Do you think shit will get better or worse if I wait? Or should I just say fuck it and not subscribe to terrorism and go anyway?

God DAMN it, I hate terrorists.

SNTYAL

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:39:00 +0000

Word, bitches. So I did it. I finally got LASIK. And you know what? It sucked major cornhole. It was scary, hideous, and totally shatastic. The only reason I’m so crabby about it is that I asked a solid 20 people about their LASIK surgery, and they all said the same damn thing:

“Omg, it was SO awesome! It was over in like 4 seconds and I could see everything clearly when I sat up! I could even read my alarm clock for the first time in years. Also, my sex life is better than yours, and my hairstyle makes yours look like rat shit on a plate!”
Right, so thus I’m here to tell you what it’s really like in a brief piece called…
Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK:

1. It hurts like a mofo.
Yeah, yeah, they give you a Valium, and yeah they drop shit in your eyes to numb them, but first, they use some instrument to pressurize your fucking eye. YES. And it HURTS. And your vision fades to black. Then, panic ensues. It was at this point in which I completely wigged out and tried to run away. They held me down though, so at least I got it finished.

2. Everyone can watch your procedure.
Uh huh. Like when you shriek and thrash and attempt to flee, your mom is standing out there trying to take video of it and laughing.

3. You totally can’t see for like, evAR.
I’m not bitching tooooo much because I went from 20/800 to 20/40, but as far as being miraculously able to see everything right away? Not so much. I’m still farsighted at the moment, which makes working at a computer all day oodles of fun. It’s better every day and supposedly will continue to imporve, but still wicked on the headache factor.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Shit that Nobody Tells You About LASIK. Stay tuned as I heal up and find out more exciting heinousness.

Eye Socket to Me!

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 18:44:00 +0000

Well, I had the LASIK consultation. I busted in, took out my contacts, and stumbled around trying not to run screaming out of there while they probed me and scared the living tits out of me (a difficult feat, being as I have none) by telling me all the gory details about the surgery. Then they showed me a video. Cuz you know, nothing makes you want to sign up to have your eyes sliced open than a graphic documentary of someone else’s gooey, sick, gelatinous cornea being zapped.

I sat there in a tightly coiled ball, ready to spring from the chair, straight out the window until I met The Coolest Nurse EvAR who totally talked me off the ledge. She told me about how I would feel during the procedure, which is what I needed to know, because the hideous part for me is not the minimal chance of a complication, but having my eyelids propped open with like, toothpicks and staying conscious while bitches are cutting on my eyes.

Anyway, she helped me picture what how it was gonna go down, and kindly informed me that I would be given a Valium. From what I hear, after I pop that bad boy, I won’t give a flying shit through a rolling doughnut about what they do to my eyeballs. Whee!

Hooray for Elective Surgery!

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 18:45:00 +0000

My eyeballs are ruining my life. I'm so tired of dicking around with correcting my shitty vision. I've worn glasses since I was in 2nd grade and contacts since I was in 6th. I think I deserve a fricking break here.

The catalyst was taking my glasses to the eye docta to have them bent back into shape after a drunken smashing accident, and of course, the minute I got home and put them on, they snapped right in fucking half. (Um, and what's up with things exploding upon my person as soon as I try to wear them? I'm secretly concerned that it could be my hawtness that causes items that would normally cover my beauteous features to burst…)

I don't know. Maybe this is my sign to throw my nuts onto the table and go get LASIK. I'm just scared because while contacts suck more balls than Sienna Miller, they sure beat being completely blind or having gross halos everywhere. And plus, there is still the whole apocalypse thing. When that shit goes down, I'm hosed and essentially blind. Even in the short-term, if someone broke into my house to mutilate me, I couldn't see to kill them in the face/run away. And I guess if I did go completely blind, it wouldn't be all bad 'cuz I could just drape myself in velvet and not give a shit.

What do you think?

When the Annihilatrix Booshes the World

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:20:00 +0000

I have recently found myself thinking about the apocalypse…with eager glee. Like, wouldn't it be great for humanity to be thinned out a little? Just the idiots who rape babies, act like ignorant dickholes in movie theaters, and otherwise fail to function in civilized society. I blame Max Brooks for my current obsession with this subject, but I also terrorist fist bump him for bringing it up because it's always good to be prepared, right?

Prior to the day of reckoning (provided that the planet is still inhabitable etc. etc.), I've decided that I need to get the following shit together:

1.) Learn how to use a gun without accidentally killing Dan in the face

2.) Learn to make my own beer

3.) Get a cat carrier like the ones you strap to your chest and put babies in (cuz NO, I'm not leaving Burtie behind)

4.) Get Lasik, or else like I'm really toast

5.) Learn to make/collect clean water

6.) Memorize the local terrain so I can get to safety (i.e. Ronald and DaNelle's cuz you know those bitches will pwn Judgment Day, then produce beautiful spawn which will lead collective humanity back to some semblance of order someday)

7.) Get a serious survival kit

8.) Cultivate a useful trade for post-apocalyptic society, cuz while I am indeed a brilliant tech writer, I don't foresee the need for software manuals so much as like food and shelter

What kinds of end-of-the-world-trade are you hos going to pursue?

Letters of Angst: Part Murder Was the Cayse That They Gayve Me

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:19:00 +0000

Dear Lurkey Co-workers,
Why? Why you gotta camp RIGHT outside the World’s Best Shittin’ Bathroom to eat your lunch? Then stare at me like I had just crapped out your whole family when I give up trying to wait you out like 20 min later? Dude, it’s hard enough for me to poo in public without you chatting right outside the goddamn door at Organ of Corti-shattering volumes, but then you make me do the walk of shit shame and you don’t even bother to act like you’re not horrified. Don’t you know it’s common courtesy to pretend like you don’t KNOW what was going on in there? God.
Disgruntles viscera,
Summie

Dear You Tube D-Bags,
You grossly underestimate how much I DO NOT want to hear you sing along with any given song. Like, what do you think is gonna happen from this? That Beck will be Googling himself and see your stupid gay video that you made of yourself sitting at your computer and shrieking “Debra” and think, dang. That girl is amazing. I should bone her? Or maybe you think someone will see it and think you’re amazing and want to bone you as you sign a record deal? Gross! Gross, gross, gross! Like, be productive and go do Karaoke! Or kill yourself! Just stop that stupid shit.
Disdainfully,
Summie

Dear Beast Master,
You pussy. Seriously. One time, the other cat Piper accidentally got shut in a closet for four days and did she piss herself? No. I got home from the trip, heard her yowl, let her out and she furiously bee-lined it for the litter box. But you. YOU. You wander your skinny ass into the closet and get locked in for four HOURS and piss on EVERYTHING in site. Like, dude, I had no idea you could hold that kind of volume in your tiny mass. So I kind of hate you right now and am so tired of drowning in a sea of cat urine that I’m about to skin all of you bitches and wear you as adorable hats/earmuffs.
Febreeze,
Mommy

Bathing Suits are Stupid, Lame

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:42:00 +0000

I'm pissed. PISSED! I bought a brand new bikini for this summer, and it was all cute and red and like straight out of my mom's bathing suit selection circa 1986. A-fricking-dorable. I wear the thing twice, and the piece of shit breaks. Like I'm sitting there shoveling a perfectly grilled hot dog into my face and I hear a POP as the bra clasp snapped. Fortunately, I had a tank top on, so at least there was no Girls Gone Wild.

So I'm like fuck, but oh well because I have a backup bathing suit. I go put that fucker on, spend 3 whole seconds in it, and one of the plastic rings on the bottoms exploded. It was like Hiroshima in my pants. Thank god there were no innocent bystanders to A.) get blinded by my pale ass and/or B.) get killed in the face by bikini shrapnel.

And what really pisses me off is that like I'm not even gloriously fat and destroying bathing suits with my delicious big ass. They're just shittily made fake underwear that cost $40. Ug, so now I'm left having to buy yet ANOTHER bikini, which is about as much fun as killing then boiling your own pets.

God damn it.

A Walk Down Memory Pain

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 21:23:00 +0000

How I missed this episode, I'll never know because this was my first two years of high school:

Not only did I totally sit in candle lit rooms, listening to Nine Inch Nails, and wearing torn fishnets, but I had that same god damn notebook full of angsty poetry. And the Denny's thing?! Oh my GOD. We LIVED in that hellhole! Drinking coffee and smoking cloves and ruining poor waitresses lives. Ahh, those were such good times!

And now, I go into Hot Topic because I wish I wasn't so old and decrepit that I could still wear pleather and skulls, and all these little clerk dicks look at me like what the hell are YOU doing in here? And I want to say, listen here, whipper snapper! I was Goth before there ever was even a thought of a national corporate conglomerate in every mall selling this awesome crap, so quit eying me in my Ann Taylor or I'll smear your adorable eyeliner! Bitches!

So, who wants to relive those moments with me and have a Goth party?! 'Cuz believe me when I tell you that I still own all of that shit... :)

Happy Fun Time Party

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 18:46:00 +0000

I made you a pretty!

Nightmare on Blonde Street:

Now it's your turn. I hear if you play along, Megan Fox will appear and give you a happy ending...

What the Shit?!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:52:00 +0000

For some reason, this makes me feel hella carsick:

Maybe it’s something to do with me being unable to reconcile my own happy childhood memories of carrying around my favorite stuffed bunny until she was hideously deformed and missing an eye, with someone else’s desire to just like, bend their bunny’s legs over its head and fuck it. In every orifice. And put tits on it.

Like, how many times do you have to get finger-banged by your relatives as a child to make you want to jerk off in the soulless, tainted, fluffy guts of a hyper-sexualized rabbit as an adult? I mean, I guess at least these people are banging fake animals instead of real animals, but FUCK. How frickin' terrible is it when that's the best thing I can come up with to say about a person?

Grodie!!

Why T?

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:25:00 +0000

I come from a long distinguished line of White Trash, so don’t think I’m knockin’ it all that hard, but like there comes a point that you need to look at yourself and say – hmm. Have I taken this just a little too far?

Case in point: camping last weekend. Now nothing should make us WT feel more comfortable than being in our native environment of the Ozarks, but that does absofuckinglutely not excuse us from waking up after a long night of binge drinking at 6:30AM and playing that goddamn ooooooooooh waaa aaaah aaah aaah song at full volume on repeat until the entire camp is awake and furiously hung over. Nor does it excuse you from deliberately and drunkenly splashing me while I’m sitting and likely peeing in a lawn chair that I’ve sat in the river, and drinking my fucking Natty Light. I do NOT want to get pisswater in my beer, so back the shit off, Junior. And yes, I have a blood relative named Junior. Not like, William Jr. Just Junior. So I feel that I am more forgiving than most on this subject and still would twist this guy’s head off like a buck-toothed Ken doll.

Just because we’re White Trash doesn’t mean we need to be intrusive dicks about it. This is about all of us White-T uniting in peace and harmony, and boobs, and mullets, and lake beer. I have a dream…

Interactive Fun Time and YES this is FUN, Damn it.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:09:00 +0000

This is so much frickin' friggity fun that if you don't feel compelled to participate, you are a pulseless playa hata! Srsly, like, it's so money that I couldn't even come up with it myself.

Just add a caption and post below, then a magical fairy will appear and grant you naps. Hoorays! Now, prepare to be amazed by...

Family Circus: Linda Blair Edition

Best Weekend EVAR!!!

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:34:00 +0000

My weekend was a sea of bad hair, lukewarm beer, and badass shows.

I present to you:

Summie’s KickMore Ass than a Ninja Cage Fighter on Roids Weekend: The Vicarious Edition

Friday, Lizzard and I were The Only Adults Sans Children to attend Walking with Dinosaurs. And of course, we were half lit and cussing like whoa, so I’m sure we taught some chitlins a few new words. Hee hee.

Then we finished our night basking in the lounge glory that is Al Lotta and his unbelievable toupee.

Saturday, Nellorz and I got our faces rawked off by Scott “Oh My God, so Fricking HOT” Weiland at Rockfest. Even though, you know, he’s gonna die like any minute what with the heroin addiction and all. BUT, Stone Temple Pilots was absolutely amazing and we danced and screamed and jumped around, and I even peed myself a little (just a LITTLE) when they played Down. MONEY!

I couldn’t secure any video of the mullets and grotesque sunburns we saw everywhere, but I can assure you that you never ever want to see the tan lines of a white trash dude’s wife beater after he’s taken it off too late and thus overemphasized his man nips with their stank white contrast. So, uh. You’re welcome.

People are Stupid

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:12:00 +0000

I’ve been meaning to blog about this for like evAR, but I’m entirely too busy and important to keep up with my offensive commentary on current events (read: playing World of Warcraft.) Anywho, let’s talk about this guy.

First of all, what do you MEAN nobody suspected that this asshat was a psychotic, incestuous, freak of a rapist? Every motherfucker that does creepy shit like that looks exactly like this guy:

Crazy pube hair? Check. Dead-terrifying-shark-eyes? Check. Child molester facial hair? Check! How the ass did you not see this coming?! Just looking at his picture makes me feel carsick because I can tell he’s a perv! Can you imagine living next to him, or worse…MARRYING him?!

Which leads me to my second incredulity; do you really expect me to believe that you had no idea that this sick asshole had a dungeon? What, he tells you not to go to the basement and so you just like, don’t? Dude, if my hubby told me to stay out of the basement, the first thing I’d do is to go straight downstairs and see what the hell he’s hiding. But then again, I would never marry a dude who has the whole Manson/bin Laden/Ramirez look in their eye because nothing good can come from that. Ever.

And I don’t want to be a huge dick here, but like if I were trapped in a dungeon for 24 years, and my dad was raping me, leaving me with his demon spawn, and threatening me with death if I try to escape…I’d rather go down in a blaze of glory. And yes, you’re right that she has had an entirely different experience than me and is probably fucked up beyond imagination, but I like to think that people have enough nature to overcome nurture and do what’s right. And sometimes that might mean killing the bastard that locks you in a dungeon and rapes you a lot.

And to cleanse the palate of such unpleasantness I bring you a fitting Craption: