Bacon Dress

What the hell is up with kids these days? I have seriously retreated to my front porch with a cocktail, screaming at bitches to get off my lawn. I keep seeing all these "hot celeb guys" all over my gossip sites and it just sicks me out! Like, who thought over-razored hair and dick-tip-pink lipstick was bangin' on a dude? Who is the motherfucker that started this? How has metrosexualism actually gotten WORSE? Didn't anyone see South Park?!

Boys should be gross and dirty and pale and meaty. I am tits sure that if you tried to make a move on one of these pansies, they'd wig out that their queefstorm hair might get messed up.

I'm just sayin', every one of these dudes has the exact same haircut as this girl I used to work with this girl named Kylie in the late 1990's. Nothing good can come from this.

Apologies in advance for the evidence:

I've got a bitchin' participatory game for us! If you wanna play, just superimpose bitches into the picture of the week, or the subject into other hilarious situations and post it in the comments.

This week, I give you the ever perfectly facial structured, even when she's making silly faces...

Jake: Tonsilitis


Now, feast your eyes on my Photoshops of Doom!!!

Lil' Jake keepin' it real, son!



The Grudjake. Oh my GOD, I scared the living shit out of myself making this one because we all know The Grudge is out to get me...



And finally, Sir Jake-a-Lot. You otha brothas can't deny!




Your turn!

If you had any idea how many soul sucking PowerPoint graphs and Visios I have made, pleading for stakeholders to approve my proposal of how to change stupid and utterly pointless shit in my past, you, too, would throw your head back and cackle with glee at these:



 

I know. I know you didn't think it was possible for me to be ever hawter than ever before, but the moment has arrived, bitches.



Hooves, people. I have hooves! And backwards bendy legs! This seriously makes me so happy that I'm afraid I have to now undergo years of painful and expensive cosmetic surgery to achieve this look in daily life. Hooray!!

Any why is it that World of Warcraft so much more awesome than my own life? It’s like crack laced with niccotine and chocolate.

Seriously, y’all. I was having a delightful sketti and meatballs dinner with my fabulous parents, and I kept catching myself thinking, man. I can’t wait to log on and level up my Night Elf tonight.

I’m so getting ready to turn into a translucent, pimply, fat, un-washed uber gamer. I can’t wait!

My gansta ass balla took me to see the Bodies Revealed exhibit this weekend, and it was pretty cool. I’d give it a 5 on the entertainment scale, only because everyone says that Body Worlds is so much more artistically (and dignifiedly) done, that I think I would brave the mild barfies again to go and see that one instead.

The fetus display was surprisingly my fav, even though I was pretty sure it would sick me out the most. The only part that gave me the wig was all the sliced up shit. They had one dude cut up like a roll of Lifesavers, and I started to feel like I might need to heave up my lunch a little.

Of course it was at this precise moment that Dan decided to make a cheese joke. This would be a good time to note that the treated skin on the bodies looked remarkably like Asiago. And I totally gagged. Like LOUDLY. This only egged him on of course, and so we spent the remainder of our time at the exhibit alternating between making rude gagging noises and giggling.

God, maturity rocks!

Top Five Reasons My New Job Kicks Ass:

5. My boss is fabulous. This chica seriously popped out a kid like 5 minutes ago and is hotter than doughnut grease. Plus, she hired me and actually came in on my first day to welcome me and take me to lunch even though she’s still on maternity. Do you want to bust your ass for this woman, or what?

4. The building is gorgeous and had oodles of exposed brick and crazy awesome skating rink floors. It’s like sunny loft in Power and Light District heaven!

3. My commute is ridiculous. It’s only 5 miles away, bitches. I can SO take the bus and have uncomfortable staring matches with the hair tokin’ hippies.

2. I sit right across from Cory. I can SO throw shit over the wall and have uncomfortable staring matches with everyone’s favorite hippie!

1. It’s not my old company. OMG, it’s so far from it, I feel like I’m having culture shock for cereal! The people are so laid back and genuinely happy, and my team is recognized and valued within the company. I did my first project today, and my teammate told me what a good job I did. I was so taken aback at being praised for my work that I felt like I fell into a bucket of tits and came out sucking my thumb. Positive reinforcement…Can you imagine??!? God, I’m so stoked!