Bacon Dress

I often like to think about what it would be like if we were all suddenly transported back to hunter-gatherer times. You know, when people had to fight to survive, contribute to the greater good of the community, and generally be productive members of society.

I usually indulge in this daydream while trying to enjoy a movie at the theater, and some creephole is talking/eating/texting loudly during a film that I paid $12 freaking dollars to watch. Listen here, twat. You would have to pay ME to listen to your insipid teeny-bopper conversations, so shut. The hell. UP. Oh my God. I should kick the living crap out of you. Twice!

Gaah! And it’s so unfair to me that I would be the one to get in trouble for beating the sanchez out of these rude asses. Like, I am just trying to restore social order here. They are the ones that can’t function in public.

Throughout like every other time in humanity, some awesome alpha would have pwned a d-bag like that for being so disruptive. And as a result, everyone else would be able to continue enjoying themselves, applaud and possibly reward said alpha with gratuitous nookie, and other potential d-bags would watch this vicious beating take place and think, dang. I guess I better shut the eff up, huh?

Stupid modern laws.

Nelle and I went to buy some gorgeous kitchen paint at Home Depot the other day, which should be a completely uneventful story, except for that I almost amputated my own fingers while carrying the stupid gallons of paint around by their poorly engineered handles. My paws seriously turned purple, y’all. PURPLE! I know, right?! That’s like the most embarrassing possible way lose a body part. In fact, I’m embarrassed that I even just told you.

The only way I’d want to have my fingers lopped is because I like, reached into the jaws of a bull shark to save a baby. Or better yet, became an amputee at the hands of another amputee. Which is impossible, you see.

Heh heh heh.

So as you have probably heard by now, I have a new job!!! I’m so excited, I just sharted a little.

Of course, my former company helped to loosen my bowels during my exit interview when the HR partner morphed from unassuming and lispy into Samuel L. Jackson upon telling me that she knew I had been applying for other jobs. She even quoted a personal e-mail in which I said I was happy to job hunt on their dime…from memory. Can you say terrifying?!?!

Um, so wow, am I grateful as hell to be moving to a new company, not only to get back into writing and to work for a boss that’s so superfly, she hired me whilst home on maternity leave, but also because I’m pretty much over chillin’ in 1984. I did that once, and I was entirely too adorable to keep tabs on. Behold:




Wish me luck babies…I start on April 1st and can’t freaking wait!!!

My pets are repulsive. I present to you exhibit A:



I mean, what the hizzy?

They fricking opened the top cabinet, knocked down the bag of food, ripped it open and feasted. Had the carnage ended there, I might have just been impressed that Beast (most likely) is such a smarty that he Octagoned that shit outta there.

But of course, but it doesn’t end there. They totally GORGED themselves, vomited it all back up, and gorged themselves some more. Seriously, y’all, it was like a damn sorority house in here. There was a trail of orange cat spew all the way upstairs to the toilet, where some dumbass tried to drink water, then hacked up watery barf all over Dan’s shatter books.

I’m so getting a dog.

Why is it that you only think of something badass to say after someone gets in your face?! Today, my bastard neighbor confronted me in the driveway to ask if I was mad at them. You know, cuz we’re in sixth grade, evidently.

Then he proceeded to spin some bullshit story about how it wasn’t them that yelled at me, but the across the street neighbor. Right…like I can’t remember the douche that slammed a door in my face. I just wish so badly that I hadn’t dorked out and been all, "oh, hi, um hum hum hum!" And instead said something cool like:

Wow. It only took your fat ass three months to finally sac up and say something to me?

Dude, I’m blonde, not blind.

Oh, I’m not mad. I just mutilated your dogs out of neighborly love.

I’d rather get fucked up the ass with my own cat than have this conversation.

Hmm, I think I hear something. Is that…is that a dick dribbling I hear? Why yes! Yes, it is!

Hey, aren’t you that guy that made that Bowling for Columbine movie?

HELP! HELP!! *runs away*

Even if I believed the bold faced lie that it wasn’t you guys, why would I ever be cool with people that stood by and watched a man harass a couple of girls without intervening?

Have we met?

I once killed a man who looked exactly like you.

The real question here, bitch tits, is if my friend Ronald is mad at you...

Is that vagina mayonnaise I smell? You should really wash your cooch.

What wicked stuff would you bitches have said?

Dear Winter,
Shut the fuck up. You’re terrible and I wish you to go away and never come back. Until X-mas eve…then you can snow and be pretty, but come December 26th, begone!
Frozen tits,
Summie

Dear Job,
Oh my GOD I hate you so much. I often wish I could choose between being slowly tortured by Katan dolls and attending nine hours of useless boredom where I try not to gouge out my eyes just to have something to do. I can’t wait to give you the finger, you stupid skank!
Yawns,
Summie

Dear Jake,
Dude, you just seriously gave birth to the most adorable baby girl EVER. She’s fricking precious and beautiful and now I totally want one. Like,OMG BAD. But in a good way. Cuz I’m totally gonna get married first so I can get trashed at my future wedding someday. Anywho, I’m for realz stoked for you and just want to single-white-female you even more with the newest Preu addition.
Uterus aches,
Summie

God, I love superimposing people into pictures!