Bacon Dress

Dear Corporate Properties Department,
Hi. So I know you’re all a bunch of dudes, and rarely have an occasion to come into the ladies’ room (except for those times that I’m sure y’all have to come in to like, change the camera angles) and so you don’t probably realize how motherfucking cold it is in there. Allow me to illuminate you. When I need to drop a deuce, the last thing I want to worry about is getting frostbite on my ass cheeks. It’s the middle of winter for clit’s sake! Turn the air conditioning off already!
Freezer burn,
Summie

Dear Dan,
You are so hot, it hurts me. That being said, you know how we have a dishwasher? Yeah, I know! Modern technology truly is amazing! However, there are still advances to be made in the field of automatic dishwasher engineering. For instance, there is currently no feature that levitates the gross dirty dish that you just set on the counter, like four inches above it, into the rack. So please, throw mama a frickin’ bone here and load the damn dishwasher, baby.
Domestic violence,
Summie

Dear Belly Button Piercing,
Screw you. You were a terrible idea and now I’m totally fucked on taking the ring out because you left such a disgusting scar. It for realz looks like I have two bellybuttons. You can suck my balls for being legal to do at the tender age of 18. Don’t you know that 18 year olds are retards and have no business making body-altering decisions.
Hole punches,
Summie